To be annoyed about DH's easter plans

[thinkfast]

For background DH works 12 shifts (days and nights) and I work very full time in a high pressure senior role. I've been working several 14 hour plus days over the last month plus DH's shifts have fallen over the last 3 weekends so I'm exhausted, emotional, haven't had a break and haven't spent enough quality time with the DC. DH's shifts mean that he often has time off in their week when we have childcare. I accept that when he works he works hard too, but he has time off when we have childcare during the week and he gets time to himself, which I don't/can't get without sacrificing family time. I feel like I never get any time to rest and am totally exhausted.

DH is off work good Friday - East Sunday (inclusive) then on a set of night shifts starting Easter Monday, meaning he will sleep all day easter Monday. I am off for the 4 day easter break. He has arranged he is going out with his friends to play snooker all day on the Saturday (meeting at midday) and then to a colleague's birthday party on the Saturday night, and that on Easter Sunday we will be at his mums for lunch and all afternoon (which from my perspective is more of a duty than a treat).

This means that the only chance we get to spend all together over easter is good Friday, my only chance for a lie in is a short lie in on the Saturday, and I feel hard done by. Plus I want to ensure we have some time to do some fun easter stuff as a family.

I tried to discuss it with him this evening and he got defensive and I got upset so I stopped the conversation.

AIBU to be upset about the plans he's made? Should I just accept it, plan something for the 4 of us for good Friday and essentially suck it up? He doesn't often go out with friends but when he does he gets steaming drunk and I hate it.

I do shift work similar to your husband but maybe a few more hours. And I hugely resent working at the weekend when they're at home and being off from work during the week when they are at school. I think part of the problem is that your husband can take time for himself guilt free. I NEVER sent my children to childcare on a single day I wasn't working. I just wouldn't enjoy it. But I am very happy to spend a day on my own with my children. It's easier with DH but it doesn't bother me to go alone. You are sad you miss out on time with them, but your husband is happy to go to the cinema just to relax and to specifically miss out on time with them. You would never enjoy that but you can't be mad at him for that either.

"He says he wouldn't begrudge me taking time if it was the other way around (which I believe) - but it's not the other way around"

This ^ is what he needs to understand, him saying he wouldn't begrudge you the same means nothing because as it stands the situation isn't in your favour and will likely never be because of his shift work.

He needs to accept things or see it from your POV and try to accommodate a fairer approach, this means he should be using Bank holidays and weekends off as a way to even up the unbalanced free time between you two, not seeing it as extra time off for himself to use as he sees fit without talking to you first.

Show him a calendar blocked with his days off and his free time against yours, sometimes a visual reminder is more effective.

"Last night he suggested I treat myself to a weekend in a hotel - which from my perspective would be lonely as working full time means I do want to spend weekends with them - I just need a break sometimes too"

So he's coming up with solutions to you needing a break and rest, but you won't take them?

It sounds as though you want him as stressed out as you. You've got to lose your guilt over the amount of quality time you think the DC are missing out on.

I agree that he needs to go alone to his Mum's and you say that you are ill. Then arrange something for in the future and work on coming to terms that you can't give the DC the time that you would like.

He's got life arranged very well for himself - nothing impacts on his leisure time, and if the price of that is you being exhausted and miserable, he doesn't think that matters. Because he is contented.

Wow i cant believe your DH is letting you pay for all the child care and majority of things - is this because you are earning a lot more than he is? Actually that is beside the point. Expenses need to be distributed evenly.

It seems you don't like confrontation but at this point you seriously need to put your foot down and start expressing yourself. You are running yourself to the ground OP. Obviously discuss these things away from the DC. Maybe over a bottle wine after dinner and after the kids are asleep.

Discussions don't have to be loud and aggressive, explain things to him the way you think he will understand and of course expect him to be defensive but stand your ground and continue to explain to him you need a break to. As a couple you need to be supportive of each other but its sounding to me, he is milking his alone time. I think this whole situation is unfair but you are letting it happen to yourself, and its time to start letting these built up resentment pour out slowly.

As for the Easter plans, Take the Sunday off for yourself. He can take the kids to his mums place. I'm sure she'll understand you need a break, seeings that you are the main provider.

It is super important you get some alone time to focus on yourself and catch your breath.

You are a strong and independent loving mum - he is very lucky to have you.

Are you happy being the breadwinner? I ask because I am the smaller earner in our family and therefore do not pay for as much into anything. We don't keep track of who pays what. I wondered if you felt a bit put upon in your current set up. Have you got the money you need to do what you want to ? If you don't, why not?
Your DH can only earn within the constraints of his job. You can choose to have the stress and constraints of your salary or take a lower salary with different constraints. This is your choice to make. What do you most want out of your life? You don't have to stay in your job if you don't want to, this is your choice to make. You need to get your work life balance working for you, no one else can do this.

Yeh I have to say I agree with @birdsgottafly he has made a great suggestion of the hotel for time to yourself, you’ve said no
People here have said take Sunday for yourself, you’ve said no
People have said take a day off in the week, you’ve said no
It does sound like you’re being a bit of a martyr and instead of making your own life a bit easier, you want his to be harder instead. It’s not a race to the bottom. Just take a break as per one of the many suggestions

OP. If your exhausted as you say you are, why are you posting online at 23.06 instead of being in bed asleep?
Your husband is having lunch with his mum, whether you see that as a duty or a treat is irrelevant, he has a right to see and dine with his own mother.
You could do something as a family on Friday.
If its getting too much for you then either get to sleep at a reasonable time or cut your hours back.

If you want time to yourself, you need to make that happen. Get the nanny to work on a weekend occasionally while your husband is working, or use some annual leave for a day off in the week.

It's not your husbands fault that you won't take the solutions he's offered - a break in a hotel, for example. Don't be a martyr. If you're tired and need a break - take one. He's an adult and their parent, he can cope without you!

DH would always discuss with me first. What if the OP had made plans too for the Saturday?

I agree though, just say you want a day to yourself and let him take the kids to his parents.

Take a breath. You are heading for burnout. A really good in-depth talk (and listen) with DH is long overdue as it sounds like you are ships in the night and need to re-set how you operate as a family and a couple.

With such hectic lives and pressure it's more important than ever that you work as a team and support each other. it's easy for each of you to get entrenched and to focus on your own feelings and needs because you are too knackered and time-poor to do anything else.

Start small and with the basics:
Plan something family and lovely for Friday, and a decent grown up evening (pref out of the house if you can get a sitter) on Fri night. make the effort, have fun, talk and be honest about how you are feeling, and ask him to do the same.

Re-agree some ground rules that work for you both. set a date for reviewing how it's all going, don't let it drift. Make it a mini-project if you like, but take it seriously. If you had a serious problem at work, how would you manage that? use those skills and that objectivity to help you both solve this problem.

You sound like two really dedicated, nice people. Build on that and find the way to look after each other and your kids. You can do this.

Teutonic if you actually bothered to read the OP’s posts instead of rushing in to defend her selfish DH you’d know she was awake because I'm currently dealing with 2 year old as she's had a nightmare while DH is asleep and We rely on my salary and I don't want DH to drop his hours as then even more stuff falls on my shoulders.

he has a right to see and dine with his own mother. No one has said otherwise. However, he is married with a family and plans that either involve others or mean others doing your share of the parenting should be discussed, not dictated. He has decided what the entire family are doing 3 out of 4 days of the long weekend. If you find that acceptable, then great, the vast majority of us do not.

orangesmarties. Their nanny is already being ultra fabulous not to mind which 3/5 days she works. This comment Get the nanny to work on a weekend occasionally ...how happy would you be if your employer decided to get you to work on days you’re not currently contacted to? She could ask as a favour, but that’s what it would be. Just because she’s ‘a nanny’ doesn’t mean she’s on call 24/7.

Easter plans I would go with a family outing on the Friday and insist on a decent lie in on the Saturday, then you take kids for a fun outing. Insist on coming home after lunch at MiL and don't let him hold it against you. Tell him you will hold it against HIM if he tries to tie up the whole of your precious day off on a visit to MiL. I'm not saying you shouldn't have lunch with her but you need a restful evening during which he can do most of the child care and you can have . Monday my Dh does nights and he needs a nap he sleeps about 4-5 hours so we would do something in the morning like go for a nice breakfast.

You're running yourself into the ground and no-one is going to stop that happening except you. You need to take time for yourself.
Presumably your DCs' Easter holidays are more than the Easter weekend so you don't have to try to force family time into those four days which is actually only two days because your DH isn't available on the Sat or Mon Your 2-yr-old won't care about a family day out on Fri and tbh neither will your 6-yr-old. It's much more important they have a mum who isn't exhausted.
Plan a schedule for the month ahead. In the time it takes to post on MN, you could plan a stay at a hotel (go with a friend or a relative if you're worried about being lonely or just focus on the joy of being alone). I know a PP suggested a date night and that would be nice but I really think you need to carve out some time for you away from the family. Your DH manages to do it. You need to put as much effort into it as he does and as much effort into it as you do planning family time. Make it a priority.

It generally sounds quite imbalanced, but I specifically want to ask why he needs to be in bed all day on Monday before his night shift?
I used to do nights and even if I’d had the chance, I wouldn’t have actually been able to sleep all day before my first shift because I’d have slept the night before.
I would try and get a couple of hours kip in the early evening before I went to work, but that was it...and it was fine!
The day after a night shift, obviously, was different.

...how happy would you be if your employer decided to get you to work on days you’re not currently contacted to?

I don't work contracted days, and neither do lots of other people (OP's husband for one). Retail workers, carers, shift workers, nurses, doctors, factory workers, night workers - all those industries involve working around the needs of the business. My days off are different every week depending on who's on holiday, what events we have on and how busy we are. Next week I'm off Tuesday/Wednesday, the week after Monday and Friday. Unless the nanny's contract specifically states weekdays only, OP is well within her rights to ask her to do the occasional weekend if she needs/requires her to. It's not such an outlandish suggestion!

Making a suggestion about what OP could do to relax doesn't earn him a medal. She doesn't want to do his suggestion and has explained why - are you all suggesting that she dies something she doesn't particularly want to do just because he suggested it? Madness.

She doesn't want to do his suggestion and has explained why - are you all suggesting that she dies something she doesn't particularly want to do just because he suggested it? Madness.

If I was as exhausted as OP says she is, I would be taking any bit of help offered to me! A night in a hotel sounds amazing - a hot bath, a good night's sleep, a lie in, a good breakfast, and then if she wanted, she could always go back home and spend time with her family after getting a good night's sleep and a well-deserved rest.

Unfortunately with small kids and a partner that works shifts/nights, you don't necessarily get a lot of family time/time alone - which is why I think OP needs to take whatever break she can get. He's offered her a weekend away in a hotel - what else do you realistically want him to do?

This week my dh worked 7am-5pm Monday and Tuesday, is off today, will work 7am-9pm Thurs, Fri and Saturday and 7am-4pm on Sunday. He went out to watch football last night, is currently at the gym and will be going out again tonight. So basically this week we will only spend Monday evening, this afternoon and Sunday evening together. I'd love to have 2 full days of the bank holiday weekend together.
However that does not mean I think yabu. I do think that Sunday lunch at his mum's sounds quite nice though IMO.

what else do you realistically want him to do?

Oh, let's see, take up some more of the care over this weekend, not pretend he needs to sleep the whole Monday to start a nightshift, not bugger off with his friends the whole day on Saturday perhaps?

I don't know, I see loads of options that would give the OP a bit of respite.

Dealing with a 2 year olds nightmare and posting on here at the same time? One or the other Ann. Don’t be daft. It’s perfectly possible to calm then down then post on your phone while they’re going back to sleep. Plus it doesn’t change my post any, you hadn’t bothered to read the OP’s post before jumping in to defend her DH.

I'd have a headache on the Sunday, let him and the kids see his parents and have a nice quiet afternoon. I'd have a nice long lie in, on my sick bed, while he gets the kids ready to go. Do something fun on the Friday.

what else do you realistically want him to do?

For starters, to discuss their plans for their joint time off and not unilaterally decide he’s pissing off out for the Saturday and then they're all going to his Mum’s on the Sunday. You know, show a little thought and consideration for his wife’s needs and desires and not just his own!?