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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about DH's easter plans

119 replies

thinkfast · 27/03/2018 23:06

For background DH works 12 shifts (days and nights) and I work very full time in a high pressure senior role. I've been working several 14 hour plus days over the last month plus DH's shifts have fallen over the last 3 weekends so I'm exhausted, emotional, haven't had a break and haven't spent enough quality time with the DC. DH's shifts mean that he often has time off in their week when we have childcare. I accept that when he works he works hard too, but he has time off when we have childcare during the week and he gets time to himself, which I don't/can't get without sacrificing family time. I feel like I never get any time to rest and am totally exhausted.

DH is off work good Friday - East Sunday (inclusive) then on a set of night shifts starting Easter Monday, meaning he will sleep all day easter Monday. I am off for the 4 day easter break. He has arranged he is going out with his friends to play snooker all day on the Saturday (meeting at midday) and then to a colleague's birthday party on the Saturday night, and that on Easter Sunday we will be at his mums for lunch and all afternoon (which from my perspective is more of a duty than a treat).

This means that the only chance we get to spend all together over easter is good Friday, my only chance for a lie in is a short lie in on the Saturday, and I feel hard done by. Plus I want to ensure we have some time to do some fun easter stuff as a family.

I tried to discuss it with him this evening and he got defensive and I got upset so I stopped the conversation.

AIBU to be upset about the plans he's made? Should I just accept it, plan something for the 4 of us for good Friday and essentially suck it up? He doesn't often go out with friends but when he does he gets steaming drunk and I hate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thinkfast · 27/03/2018 23:40

Nickynacky - he couldn't afford it (nhs worker). He generally has them one day during the week, his mum has them one day and we have a nanny (which I pay for) the other 3 days. If his shifts mean we need the nanny for an extra day one week I pay for that too.

His mum his widowed and alone and it would be massively held against me if I didn't go on Sunday. She s well meaning but very hard work.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 27/03/2018 23:42

Your child care costs are a different issue. It should be 50/50. I'm the lower earner and we split it

AnnieAnoniMouser · 27/03/2018 23:43

Held against you by him or her?

If it’s him then you need to get him told. He doesn’t get to make plans for you then act all pissy when you don’t want to go.

If it’s her either tell her ^ or get him to tell her you’re not well.

Original poster
thinkfast · 27/03/2018 23:43

He does help out on his days off during the week too. He contributes to childcare/ shopping/ laundry and other chores, but he generally has time to himself too.

There is a big imbalance which when I discussed with him Last he suggested I treat myself to a weekend in a hotel - which from my perspective would be lonely as working full time means I do want to spend weekends with them - I just need a break sometimes too

OP posts:
buttonhead101 · 27/03/2018 23:44

Nick my DC are a joy but so is time to myself, I'm happy to admit to liking time on my own, with my family, with my partner or with my child. Don't misinterpret my words to justify your argument. Everyone is different.

Nicknacky · 27/03/2018 23:45

But that imbalance can't be helped when one is a shift worker. I have more time without the kids but that's down to my working hours

Weezol · 27/03/2018 23:45

To expand on my original post, I said he'd made plans like a single man with no children, because he's decided what he wants to and everyone else is just supposed to fit in around that with no consulation whatsoever.

No 'What do you think about going to Mum's on Sunday?', or 'You ok if I play snooker Saturday aft? I know there's that do later, but I'm not planning on snooker until after I make lunch, so I can sort the kids and let you have a lazy morning.'

Original poster
thinkfast · 27/03/2018 23:45

She would be upset as she thinks she 's doing something nice for us (and she's lonely). He would take it as a snub to his mother (which basically it would be as if it were a nice family lunch anywhere else it wouldn't feel like a chore to me)

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 27/03/2018 23:46

button I'm not misinterpreting your words at all. They are your words

AnnieAnoniMouser · 27/03/2018 23:50

Exactly weezol.

think. Honestly, just catch yourself on. She’ll cope if he tells her you’re not well. He can pull his head in because he should have bloody well asked you what you wanted to do over Easter and not just gone ahead and planned what suited him. It’s not a snub against his mother, it’s needing a bit of time out, which he gets plenty of while you’re working and paying for childcare.

puglife15 · 27/03/2018 23:54

Could you take some annual leave to get a break without sacrificing your weekends?

I'd be miffed with that arrangement too, he's lucky to get me-time during the week so when you are all off he should prioritise you and your children and at least ask before he makes arrangements for 2/3 of his days off.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/03/2018 23:56

Why do you have childcare when he’s not at work though? That just doesn’t make sense. Get rid of it for the days he’s off? Or are his shift patterns unpredictable?

Original poster
thinkfast · 27/03/2018 23:57

Thanks for all your comments. Have decided as follows:-

Friday - family day out
Saturday - I'm going to try to get a haircut in the morning then take kids somewhere myself in the afternoon
Sunday - I'm having half a day lie in/to myself. DH can choose if I have that time to myself in the morning and we go to his mums together in the afternoon, or if he takes the dc by himself in the afternoon.

Will let him know tomorrow....

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 27/03/2018 23:58

OP come on mate, just say no to the Sunday lunch and have a day to yourself then
You can’t moan about no time to yourself then martyr your Sunday for no good reason
Self care is important

timeisnotaline · 27/03/2018 23:58

I think it’s more that the op needs a break. Can you take a day off the week after and sleep/ me time? A day he’s working and you have childcare. I would have to be Ill to miss an Easter lunch and his plans aren’t unreasonable, but overall the balance benefits the dh and you need him to be aware of this and occasional adjustments, like you taking a day off.

Original poster
thinkfast · 28/03/2018 00:01

His shift patterns vary hugely. We luckily have a wonderfully flexible nanny who is happy to do any 3 days a week for us and does an extra day when we need it. In theory he should be using his time at home when we have childcare to do washing chores etc , but he takes time for himself too. He says he wouldn't begrudge me taking time if it was the other way around (which I believe) - but it's not the other way around

OP posts:
SpringNowPlease2018 · 28/03/2018 00:02

I dont understand why you have childcare on his days off. Is it because it's not possible to book it any other way?

In that case the fairer thing woukd be to get childcare at weekends too.

gluteustothemaximus · 28/03/2018 00:03

Good for you OP.

I'd be pissed off too.

DH doesn't plan anything without talking first. Not because I'm a ball breaker, but because we are a family, we have commitments and it's respectful.

Especially if one of us is in massive need of a break/lie in.

Takfujuimoto · 28/03/2018 00:09

I love my MIL, she's great! I however need, NEED time to myself, I do not function well without it.

So sometimes often I don't attend family visits to the ILS because it is 9/10 times the only time I can get alone.

I am an adult and quite frankly do not feel the need to explain myself to anyone when I decide not to do something, if people get offended then really its their problem not mine.

I don't do this to be rude and I send a cake or flowers along occasionally but if I have a choice of a day to myself or sitting in an overcrowded room that's already overheated and has an overpowering airspray/plug in scent that leaves me with a blinding headache then the choice is obvious.

If you don't feel able to just say ' hey DH I'm gonna hang back and stay at home today, say hi to MIL for me.' Then fake a migraine or something the morning off and hunker down in bed.
It sounds like you're almost at breaking point so put yourself first for once because he obviously isn't about to do it for you.
His mother will get over it eventually.

Its not really his fault about his time off in the week unless he asks for those shifts, however he shouldn't be just making plans without passing comment to you to check if you haven't got plans you were thinking off.
He should also take into consideration that he does have time in the week to himself and that you do not, even if it isn't by his design he should be open to make things fairer on you.

The current situation isn't fair on you and that's not right.

Original poster
thinkfast · 28/03/2018 00:09

Springnowplease- we ha e childcare on his days off as it's impossible to arrange childcare any other way for shift workers as no childcare providers are 100% flexible. For example if we had a nursery or childminder for DD we would have to book it for a full 4 days per week. We are lucky to have a flexible nanny - but she still needs to know what her income will he hence the 3 day per week arrangement and rising to 4 when needed

OP posts:
Original poster
thinkfast · 28/03/2018 00:12

Takfujimoto thanks for your post. Very insightful. Unfortunately DH gets no choice over his shifts and I do fully appreciate that they are long and tiring - especially night shifts. It's just hard for me too.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 28/03/2018 00:12

Why is it you pay or he pays? Just get a joint account.

GreenTulips · 28/03/2018 00:13

Can you suggest he pays the nanny on the occasional weekend? Even an afternoon?

mellicauli · 28/03/2018 00:16

Problem 1: you need sleep
Solution: go to bed early, really early - Thursday night, Saturday night, Sunday night

Problem 2: you need to spend time with the kids
Solution: you have loads of time with the kids - all day Friday and Saturday

Problem 3: exhausted
Solution: give yourself at least 1 clear day (Friday) where you do no cooking or cleaning or laundry

Problem 4: don't want to go to Mother in Law's for lunch
Solution: feign illness, go off to a spa and get the relaxing in you need. Tell your husband it's that or give up the snooker. Sounds like you need to be a bit selfish right now.

Problem 5: Drunk husband
Tell him you hate it but you realise he's going to do it. Ask him if he can stay at a mate's or sleep downstairs or at least not wake you when he comes in.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 28/03/2018 00:19

So there's no way the nanny can have one of her days set as Saturday or Sunday?

This arrangement seems hugely unfair.

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