How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

[PeppersTheCat]

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

Ah see, I was desperate to be loved growing up and into adulthood. I never knew my value then.

Not having men stare at my boobs is actually quite freeing! Not sure my tiny boobs every got much attention to be honest. I think I am noticed for the right reasons now, for who I am.

I think it is naive to say to somebody that their mate value will rise when they value themself. Plenty of women who are convinced their Hs would never cheat end up posting on this board every year. Valuing yourself as a person is one thing but invalidating women who observe their value as a woman declining is naive and obtuse. I think if yr luck enough to be in a longterm relationship it feels like you're ageing together (which u r) but without the history men would value a younger version of you

I guess it depends who "you" are. If you have based your life and your image of self on how you look, I guess it would be difficult. But I don't think most women do, despite what those dull magazines tell us. We've spent our lives building a family, building a career, developing interests, learning new things, having a network of friends, having new experiences or maybe just having a laugh. My life feels richer than ever and I am looking forward to that continuing for a good few years . And if someone thinks I'm worth less because I can't pop out another baby or I don't look so good in a bikini, frankly, I am indifferent. I'll define myself thank you very much.

I love being around my friends these days, many of whom are my age - mid-50s or older. They’re brilliant to be around - funny, interesting, vibrant. No longer looking after small children or trying to attract a mate, they’ve got time to develop their own interests and hobbies. Ok I’m the same age so I may be biased but I think they’re more attractive than ever: funnier, more interesting, better sense of style. Of course young women are glorious; they have that freshness, lack of cynicism and energy that is obviously very attractive. But I don’t feel threatened by it as I don’t envy them their insecurities, uncertainties about the future, the hassle they get from men... I don’t miss the urge I used to have to please everyone else all the time. These days I’m much better at pleasing myself.

OP it doesn’t need to be depressing getting older. There are many areas in which your value grows and develops in your forties and fifties. And any man who leaves his wife and runs off with a twenty year old in his fifties was probably always a bit of a cock; he just used to hide it better.

"I think it is naive to say to somebody that their mate value will rise when they value themself. "

Is that to me? @TempusFugitive. "invalidating women who observe their value as a woman declining is naive and obtuse." I am not invalidating women. I thin confidence is helpful, not a hindrance but I cannot claim to be able to stop men having affairs. Yes, men can have affairs with younger women, but younger men also have affairs. I just don't believe my value as a person or a woman is limited to my fertility or age.

I am speaking for myself but I do think women have immense value and I think realising it may be helpful.

" but without the history men would value a younger version of you" so if I were not in a long term relationship my husband would prefer a younger woman? Maybe so. That does not diminish my value in my eyes. Anyway, must go to bed.

Beg pardon?

Can't say I even understand what you're asking.

Interesting. Reading the thread such a large number of the posters who poo poo the op refer without realising the irony to their dh.

Society views married women v differently to how it views si gle women.

I dare to suggest that being one half of a couple is giving you poopoo-ers an amount of your value that you think is all self worth alone.

When you have been single for as i have been you see this.

When I hit 50 I stopped giving a fuck what others thought!

I fucking love being older. Given me confidence to not buy int the bullshiit beauty myth.

Shaved my hair short, wear jeans and hiking boots all day. I’m respected in my profession for my knowledge and experience.

I look at the younger women I work with worrying about their looks, fretting over eyebrows and their ‚‘imperfect nose‘ and i feel,so sad for them, they are all beautiful people and have so much ‚‘worth‘ as human beings, compassion knowledge, skills empathy. but that was me once too. Worryingly over inconsequentials. What a waste.

Now im old and short and never been beautiful and iDgaf.

I worry that not buying in to the beauty myth would reduce my chances of finding companionship. Chances zero anyway but wanting men to notice u just so that speak to you and to know you and like you, that is not shallow. The inference on thread is that if you so much as acknowledge this you dont love yrslf.
I love myself. But i want to be invited, considered and included by all ages and sexes.

Excellent posts by ItalianGreyhound, ExPat , OhFor, Jassy, and others, and especially MelliCauli.

I am almost 60 (eek - that feels weird to type!) - but am not diminished in any way. Yes, I can no longer reproduce, but I've given two amazing people to the world. I am at the top of my game career wise, and my earnings reflect that. I am given respect and listened to at work, because they tell me I have gravitas. They know I have been around (almost all of) the block enough to know how to handle most of what can arise. I am a mentor to many younger women. I feel like my life's work (career wise) has been of worth.

DH looks younger, has held up very well. We are very much in love and still in lust, and he thinks I am beautiful. I am most decidedly not. Any more. I am, however, okay(ish) with that. Do I sometimes mourn the loss of my looks? Yes. That's natural. I now get to be a grandmother, look forward to retirement in the not too distant future, and to be healthy and able to enjoy this, and that. I mostly do not give a fig what others think. I'm okay with me. In fact, I'm proud of me. I am very fortunate.

I don't think that my value is diminishing at all. And I am very glad that I will be unattractive to anyone shallow enough to judge me on my looks or reproductive value as it means I will not be bothered by them

I am definitely worth more than when I was 20 years ago. I don't think I ever had the confidence to trade on my looks - and would never have been described as a looker. What I am worth is down to relationship/communication skills and what I know/ can do. I can simply do more and get more done now than I could 20 years ago. I also have more professional poise / gravitas.

I have a DP and we are in love so that is fine.

BUT I know if I was trying to meet someone, it would be way harder now, no doubt about it. That is real and an issue for some women.

Women in their fifties who are made redundant, find it harder to get back into work than any other group. So you may personally feel respected at work, but for many women it is tough job wise. I personally know a number of women who have had to take jobs much lower paid than previous jobs and below their levels of skills and experience.

But the worst disadvantage is at this age the chances of having elderly relatives who need lots of help or who are dying, is high.

Yes, I fear you are right crunchy - I think it is quite tough for men at that age if they are made redundant as well - there is an unspoken suspicion that maybe they lost their job because they were 'past it' /stuck in their ways etc.

middle class women are of diminished value? WTAF?

This has been an interesting read.

I’m someone who was an ugly young woman and remain so. I find it easier now as there isn’t really an expectation on me to be attractive. Plus I’m senior at work so get some sense of worth from that I suppose.

I’m still quite insecure about my appearance though. I just don’t seem to be able to quite make peace with it all.

Actually what you say is very interesting Crunchy - I've googled it and this comes up: [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2210386/Women-50-hardest-hit-austerity-measures-unemployment-rises-faster-group.html] wonder what happened to the 'older women's commission'...

I care much less what people think of me. I could not stand the angst of being 20 again. But there is much less opportunities and that is reality. I also think there is an enormous difference between being mid 40s and mid 50s.

I wouldn't mind losing my looks so much (and I look ok for my age) but I hate being reminded how old I am because I'm not secure, financially or emotionally, or wiser or stronger or any of the other things that are supposed to make middle age better.

I'm just sadder and lonelier and more and more conscious of the things I've missed out on and will never have now, and it gets harder and harder to hope that anything is going to change or that I'll be able to change it.

I had lunch today with six friends all in their 70s, three of them will be 80 next year. We had the best time, so much laughter and the confidence they radiate just being free to be themselves and say what they think is an inspiration.

I'm the baby of the group at 61 but these friends just make getting older look like a great place to be heading.

c75 Yes interesting and sad. I suspect because so many older women work for Local Authorities, and they have made many redundancies. Also voluntary sector has made a lot of redundancies and that sector is full of women.

You also have to remember that many older women were highly impacted by sexism in their early careers and that affects what they are now earning. When I first started work on leaving school, women were automatically put into jobs in that firm that paid less than the young men of the same age entering the firm. And the men's jobs had more opportunity for promotion.

Oh I enjoy very much spending time with my woman friends. They are witty and wise and we have great fun.
But I do think some on here are failing to acknowledge the downsides that do affect lots of women.