How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

[PeppersTheCat]

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

Your value as a person doesn’t decrease. Your personal values might change, and you become more experienced.
In fact, I’ve found as I reached 40, my couldn’t care less what others think has become part of my core being.

@tempusfugitive
Have a look at what I posted earlier about my sister.

We lower in reproductive value

But who wants to go on reproducing forever?!

What nonsense ! All people are valued what ever their age. Some people don't make it to old age due to illness or accident. It's a privilege to grow old. Be strong, be brave, celebrate your life and enjoy it !!!

I am in my mid 40s. I don't see myself as having diminished value.
I don't agonise over my ageing looks. I fucking earned every wrinkle. I have a good daily hygiene, clean teeth, don't smell and wear fresh smelling clean clothes.
My colleagues treat me with respect, probably because I prefer using my brains instead of building my professional reputation on my sexy looks and never had, even when I was younger.
In terms of relationship, we appreciate and respect each other for what we are, not how we look like.

@Mydoghatesthebath I can honestly say that I wasn't a plain girl, I was a very good looking petite blond girl with long hair and attracted male attention. I just never thought of making this a foundation for my life.

Im a man and I feel less valued in my middle age.
My jobs before I had lots of responsibilities and was a valued member of staff but now feel like another bum on a seat.
On the plus side I earn 50% more in this job work a great shift pattern and go on loads of holidays.

As for ladies in there middle age I value them a lot more than youngsters as they are more beautiful loving caring and less scatterbrained self important and just yuck.

Big up middle age but keep some of the teenager in your heart

the title makes this sound like research grounds for a cheap newspaper article...but i'll bite.
I've successfully reproduced, in my case i have three sensible young adults in the world carrying my genetic code.
my looks are fine for a woman my age, i'm proud of my grey hairs and wrinkles which are a testament to my well earned experience.
i actually enjoy being mature and sensible.
i actually find youth to be immature inexperienced and an annoying phase.
OP you actually sound like you have a mental health condition. i have not rtft....

Your 'value' doesn't depend on your looks but what is going on inside your head and what you have to give to the world.

So if you have been a mannequin all of your life, just living life as a token gf/wife then maybe your world does start to fall apart at the seems with age, but if you are doing something meaningful with your life, if you are contributing properly and sharing your intelligence, wisdom and educating others / following a career then I would argue that age is a positive, you are taken far more seriously in many careers.

For me I feel that advancing age has been a benefit, being young and pretty can sometimes hold you back. I can command attention in a different way now and have far more self respect and confidence than I did when I was seventeen.

Transform yourself into someone that is listened to, and respected and you will no longer feel a loss of value.

WTAF? I'm more valuable than I ever have been at 42. Stop swallowing patriarchal bullshit would be my tip.

I'm 59. My awesomeness is undiminished.
(blush)

Seriously though, what choice do we really have? There's no turning the tide back, so we just have to make the most of it. As they say, it's a privelege to grow old, as some don't.

What diminished value? Who says?

I’m 52, more confident and less caring of other people’s opinions than ever

Diminished? My arse!

...female aging seems to be the elephant in the room, and men know it.
No - male shallowness is the elephant in the room.

MyMorningHasBroken - I have had a similar trajectory. I have not looked back. Wishing you and your children the best of everything.

Diminished value my arse. I'm mid 50s and life is the best it's ever been.

I think I get what the OP means. I certainly feel diminished, though probably more because of circumstance than aging. I’m in my 40s, and would say I was probably at my best in my mid-20s. I was moderately pretty, though have never once been hit on in my life. I have an okay marriage, no kids. There are a lot of outside stressors. My career was ruined a number of years ago by a psycho boss, and then I moved abroad, where I cannot work. I have no friends within an 80 mile radius, and absolutely no one I could turn to in a crisis. My husband works a very demanding job and the mental load all falls on me. I volunteer, go to the gym, and attend hobby classes etc but the loneliness is heavy and I look and feel a lot older than I am. Friends from the UK have mostly fallen away, there are a few I see whenever I get back but once I’ve left again no one makes an effort to keep in touch. To some, my life probably seems great, but there is more I would change than keep the same if I could. Husband has talked about staying here indefinitely and seemed surprised that I don’t want that. I’ve never been the most confident person, but I have less now than I did in my early 20s. I admire all you women who find life is better in middle age.

"No - male shallowness is the elephant in the room"

Yes, this with bells on!!!

It was depressing to see the title of this thread appearing in Active - as if 'diminishment' was indeed a thing.

There is far too much casual ageism on MN, and the constant popping up of titles such as the one on this thread is rather unpleasant.

Agree. How is it ok for men to age naturally.

I expect the op is long gone.

I Find It an absolute relief to no longer be under the male gaze. I hated it when I was a pretty teenager, I hated it when I was in my twenties, started to wane in my thirties as I put on weight and had my babies, and now mid forties don’t notice it at all. It was oppressive and uncomfortable and I can observe the way some men look at women and it makes my flesh crawl.

I work in a heavily female environment, and I find it to be very focussed on uplifting and empowering - both colleagues and clients. The men that I do work with are respectful of my experience and skills. If I do come across men men (or women) who want to diminish my value because I a man no longer fertile or fresh, we’ll then I treat them with the contempt they deserve. They are the ones that miss out. I am fucking hilarious.

I find I catch many people's eyes not I am in my 50s- men and women

Not so much a sexual thing- more of a lightbulb " knowing look".
More people smile at me than in previous decades, just that acknowledgement, or maybe my self confidence is apparent.

I'm not well groomed, but I am pretty fit and slim, I have my own style. I don't hunch, I walk at a fixed pace. I rarely dither except if I am walking in the woods or walking for pleasure.

In a day I usually have 6 strangers smile at me for no reason, and not shopkeepers or people I am interacting with- just randomers.

That was not always the case.

@TempusFugitive I understand what you are saying about bring single, to some extent (I married and has kids layer in life).I really do not want to tell other women what to think but can only speak for me.

I really hope of something happened to dh 'divorce etc) I would retain my value as a person in my own right.

I find it mad the people that, kind of dent this happens
It would be the same as people coming in and saying oh no I think woman are treated completely equally in the workplace ebentlwhen they take years off on maternity leave and woman are definitely paid the same as men in all areas all be time

It’s a simple fact

"It’s a simple fact" which but is a simple fact @LardLizard ?

That older men find younger women more attractive than older women in general? I would agree.

That society values women on their looks? I would agree.

That society values youth? I would agree.

That men's aging is accepted more than women's? I would agree.

However, what many of us are saying is we do not feel more devalued as women aging, nor do we feel we are somehow missing out by being older and non-fertile.

We are challenging thus stereotype that older women disappear into the wallpaper because our lives do it tell us that is necessarily so - although I will not deny it may well be a reality for some.

I suppose the question of where we get our sense of value from is complicated.

So I guess it's true that if going on on a dating site, one's value would decrease markedly. Though people also post on MN with very sad stories sometimes about how their partner no longer finds them attractive if they've put on a few pounds/not shed their pregnancy weight. So there are pitfalls about being in a relationship where one's 'value' is conditional on looking as young and thin as possible.

Yes, there is ageism in the workplace. But I do think it varies a lot according to the kind of work. (A lot of older jobseekers - regardless of gender - may be regarded as less flexible or able to fit into a corporate culture. And career breaks for maternity do disadvantage women. But then younger women are likely to be seen as a risk in terms of going off and taking maternity leave. Arguable when you're older that isn't seen as something that's going to happen!)

I have found that as I've got older being valued more by children who are now young adults is a really positive thing. They might love you when they are small, but they really cannot see you in their own right.

I think I value the greater freedom that comes with not having the main responsibility for the care of small, dependent children. There's an odd way in which it's like being young again - but without some of the anxieties and insecurities that are part of youth. (I'm in my late-ish fifties.)

I'm 50, post menopause and don't feel any sense of diminished value. I'm not aware that any of my friends of similar age feel this either.

I love being older.

Apart from my close friends and family, I do not give a shit about what anyone else thinks of me. I could not have said that when I was younger.

I say “fuck” a lot more too.