How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

[PeppersTheCat]

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

Most of us are must more than our reproductive organs. If you feel you are not:

work on your self esteem
educate yourself
see a therapist if needed.
see people as more than reproductive organs and "mate value"

So I guess op if you're really not a troll what's causing you to feel this way?. As you can see many of us feel the complete opposite.

Is this something to do with your relationship? Why do you feel your value has declined to your partner? Do you want more kids? Does he? Does he judge you on your looks? Does he find you lacking? Do you find you lacking ? What's causing this? Is someone commenting to uou?

whatever is causing you to feel this way is not generic. It's because of something very specific to your circumstances and most likely your relationship based on what you've written.

At 41 I am the happiest and most confident I have ever been. I'm senior and experienced enough at work to command respect, got a settled family life, I take care of my health and am looking forward to a long and interesting life.

I don't feel my value is diminished one little bit

OP is getting a hard time, what with everyone pretending to not know what she's talking about.

Of course, we aren't less valuable. We know that and we may feel that our value has increased, wisdom, confidence and all that.

But other people see us as less valuable, well not so much see us, as don't see us. We're more invisible.

Less likely to be sought after on dating websites, where men's preferred partner age stays around 20. Less likely to be served in shops, more likely to be laid off, and more likely to be poor.

And yes, of course the answer is to crack on anyway, to swear a lot, dye our hair purple and not give a fuck about what people think.
But that doesn't change the fact that it happens.

Yes, I think @Bluntness100 is very insightful. for you OP, you're obviously going through a tough time and I hope it gets better. I hope you take comfort from the responses in the thread that it's not an inevitable result of ageing.

At 51 I am into my third year of my counselling qualification, I have a reasonable managerial job that pays my bills , a growing family (youngest 13), have joined a dance group and I am busy all the time. I am looking to starting a new career when I qualify. I have never worn make up or been beautiful but have always valued myself it never occurred to me (until now!) that I devalue with age. What a depressing thought.

But other people see us as less valuable, well not so much see us, as don't see us. We're more invisible

But that's the point. Many of us are not seen as less valuable, we are seen as more valuable, we have not become invisible, we are more noticeable because we are confident with it, many of us even look better than we did in our 20s. Being seen as less valuable or invisible is is about the individual, not our whole gender.

And as such, something is causing that for those individuals be they you or the op.

Less likely to be served in shops, more likely to be laid off, and more likely to be poor.

None of those things are happening to me. Sorry, I know that sounds like a boast and it's truly not meant to but I just can't agree with this. My friends and I have been chatted up (is that today's terminology)? One friend was sitting at a table with myself and two others and a coffee appeared, it was from some guy on another table, we ribbed her for weeks. Shopping, all I can say is I've always been treated very well, not pushed aside due to age. I'm a baby boomer, maybe it's due to my age and perceived wealth I'm treated well, who knows.

I've never been on a dating site so can't answer for that one.

Immediately interesting thread. I find the 40s very tricky. I was a spectacularly gorgeous/desirable 20 yo, and of course didn't realise it. Now in a tricky relationship with a 66 yo who thinks I am pretty gourgeous. Etc. Though he is clearly deluded (I can live with this delusion).

Oh, FFS. Gorgeous, not gourgeous.
!

If this wasn't just written as some goady bollocks for some trashy article, and you actually seriously feel your title, and your op to be 'a thing', then you need some serious counselling, IMO.

I am middle aged, but don't recognise anything of what you talk about. I feel very valued- by society, by my family, by those I manage at work and by those I manage in my voluntary capacity, and by my friends. I am loved by my husband. Yes, both of us are heavier than when we met, and there are grey hairs, but there is also the confidence of knowing who we are which is incredibly empowering.

Yes, YAB incredibly U. what a really odd thing to say - and as for your 2nd post

Work on the inside over feeling good and look at who surrounds you. I've a (gay male) work supervisor who indicated I was no longer attractive in my 40s as I was telling a story indicating something happened in my 30s attraction wise, I think he just assumed like him I considered things are different in my 40s. I look different yes, but I still like how I look. I need to get rid of some of the people who are quick to point out the realities of ageing to me.

I have chronic health problems so my looks are quite down on the list which I thinks helps with ageing as you realise good health is what matters most. And value in oneself as everyone has said. Finally finding a voice!

I'm 46 and well into the peri-menopause (months go by without periods).

It's occurring to me that the reason widows-of-a-certain-age were persecuted as witches was because the patriarchy saw these independent non-male owned women as a threat to them. Sometimes they were wise, sometimes they owned stuff, sometimes they had opinions about being told what to do by men who were not their fathers or husbands owners

So middle-aged women had a threatening value in the middle-ages. I don't think we've ever been diminished in value, except where we've been bullied to accept it. And I don't and will laugh in the face of people who tell me I have lost value.

Mid 50s. I feel sorry for any women dating at this age, it is harder. The secret though is to be with a partner who loves and values you and is not going to leave you as you get older.

There are better things about being older, but women in their 50s who are unemployed do find it harder to get jobs.

I need to go against the grain here. I'm 45 but feeling lost in this decade. I was more confident in my 30s about my career, decision-making, social life, looks, personality, weight, energy - everything.

I don't feel any wiser just because I'm older and I feel less confident in general. In fact, I'd say I made better judgements years ago.

I've always relied on personality more in life and have always been a bit quirky or the funny one.

I don't feel my value has diminished though as I don't even know what that means anyway. What value? Benchmarked against what? My family value me and they are a joy, but I never based my value on how others perceived me, but in how I felt. Right now I feel out of kilt and not because I'm getting older though. I don't know what it is, but I think it's OK to admit that isn't it? That not every woman over 40 is feeling empowered - the same way not every 20, 30 something might feel fantastic.

It doesn't mean I had any special powers that 'diminished' because I hit 40 it just means that right now I feel a bit alien in many areas.

.

@PeppersTheCat

"We lower in reproductive value." I am quite pleased about that since my reproducing days are behind me!

"Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc." Yes, but only usually by people who do not count.

"I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes." I think your value will increase as you realise your true value.

Women do not go off like a pint of milk, we age like a fine wine.

I don't consider myself diminished in any way. Quite the opposite. I've lived through so much. I'm proud of myself. It's a pity you feel this way about yourself, you only get one shot at life.

I'm also very pleased my reproductive years are behind me.

You can't deny though that people treat you differently as you get older.

I agree Expat. I don’t feel any less ‘valuable’ quite the opposite in fact.

Others might value us less superficially, but internally at 48 I know i’m firmer in my beliefs, I have more to say and am more confident to speak out. My DCs may be blossoming and I may be deteriorating physically but my self-worth is at an all time high.

Excellent question op.

I struggle with this as even tho i am single i hoped / assumed that wouldnt always be the case.

The solution if there is one even in small part, might lie in creating a life that needs as little (male) approval as possible.. i will probably become more introverted as i age further and end up spending my time on artistic but solitary hobbies. I want to save now and do up my house so that i get pleasure from that.
i like men's company but not enough to run after it if it is not easy. It is a tough thing to work through.

You can't deny though that people treat you differently as you get older.

Yes. Many of us find the change has as many, if not more, positives as negatives.