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Original poster

How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

478 replies

PeppersTheCat · 27/03/2018 20:49

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

OP posts:
PasstheStarmix · 27/03/2018 22:09

There has to be more to someone than looks alone as we all grow old whether we like it or not. Relationships based on looks alone won’t last.

Pleasebeafleabite · 27/03/2018 22:12

Yes we may have all the wisdom at work but when they are cutting staff it’s not the lower paid youngsters who are getting let go

The last three in our organisation were all early/mid fifties plus another who kept his job as he knew where the bodies are buried

If the OP had phrased her question differently this would be a whole other thread

UnRavellingFast · 27/03/2018 22:12

I have to say, when I saw the thread title, I thought, that sounds quite Daily Fail-ish.

Oh, I just meant, perhaps you should change your reading habits?

Bluelady · 27/03/2018 22:12

Of course there's more to us than looks. Having said that, I bet we look pretty damned good.

tigercub50 · 27/03/2018 22:12

Very interesting thread. I definitely feel more valuable as I get older (I’m 52). Need to change my username! I’m Mum to a complex, sometimes unbelievably challenging, hilariously funny, kind, caring, brilliant 9 year old. I never thought I’d be a Mum. I have a job I really enjoy & I make people happy doing it. My parents are heading towards their 80s - Dad is amazingly fit but Mum needs a lot of support so I help out there as well as looking after my own family. I must admit, it does sting a little when people no longer knock 10 years off my age but since going back to work I have lost a shedload of weight & am slimmer than I’ve been in years. Still get male attention which is great. And I am definitely valued a lot more by DH. It took us almost splitting up but he realises just what he could have lost.

Hassled · 27/03/2018 22:13

To be honest I think I've coped quite badly. I was very pretty in my youth - I guess I always relied on the fact I was pretty. I've aged badly, but the vanity hasn't disappeared and it's been hard to deal with the fact that the thing that made me "special" has gone. But that's contrasted with the fact I have way more faith in my abilities than the pretty young me ever did, I have a more successful career and am generally a lot more confident and happy. So - swings and roundabouts.

Balearica · 27/03/2018 22:14

Well I am not in a relationship by choice. Mid fifties and still get invitations, but I am just not interested. I value my time and I lead a fun and interesting life - I don't have room for some bloke dragging on my coat tails.

I value myself WAY more than I ever did in my twenties and thirties. I have better boundaries, I have better judgement, I am bloody good at a number of things, in or out of work and I get respect for that. No-one can take that away from me.

I am a damn good single parent to three teenagers (exH having fucked off with a much younger Russian pregnant by someone else some years ago - risible but true). I have great and genuine friends who I can absolutely rely on, I contribute to my community and I do not give two flying fucks about the opinion of others.

I would not swap myself in my twenties and thirties for where I am now and certainly not for some perceived bollocks "mate value".

Belindabauer · 27/03/2018 22:14

Who wants to keep on having childten?
Nobody i know.
Who wants children with an old man? Nobody I know.
From what I see women age better than men.
I don't feel less valuable as i grow older i win i had been this confident when i was younger.

DaisyDrip · 27/03/2018 22:18

Since my husband died my confidence has soared. Not because my DH held me back - he didn't. However he did a lot of the heavier work around the house and I had no clue. Now I run my house as efficiently as he did. While I don't think (not 100% sure) I want another relationship I have been asked out (refused). I look after myself, eat well, lots of sleep, exercise etc. Hubby liked all the traditional heavy stodge, I eat about 95% clean now. My skin is great, hair shiny, eyes bright under the wrinkles and I feel good about life. I have half a dozen grandchildren whom I adore and spend as much time with as possible. I miss my DH dreadfully but that sad part of me is not dragging me down, life is great.

No, I don't look like I used to, my looks have faded but to be honest it really isn't something I spend time thinking about, I'm far to busy with hobbies, interests and generally making the most of every day.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/03/2018 22:20

I think it can be the case that women who were treated as special and valuable, because they had a particular look, get a shock when they age. If you were a pretty kid who grew into a pretty teenager/young adult (generally white, thin-but-busty, sufficiently interested in fashion and makeup to conform to a mainstream ideal and generally healthy) you may never have fully understood that the good treatment you got depended almost solely on your youth and would be finite. You may have had to make less effort to be liked, to be employable, to be treated kindly and welcomed everywhere.
(There have been quite a lot of studies done which show people who are percieved as good looking simply do have an easier life, when young).
It can be upsetting when that 'power' leaves you. People, particularly women, who were less pretty in their younger days and/or were in an environment that valued different qualities, may find aging easier.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2018 22:23

What diminished value?

Gwenhwyfar · 27/03/2018 22:23

"Can I add I am being blunt here. If you were a plain teenager and a plain woman then it’s far easier to become older. If you were pretty you take for granted the general attention you got and it’s fsr harder to feel that slipping away."

Not quite true, I think. I was an ugly teen and the boys only showed an interest in me as a bet. But then in my twenties I got attention from older men just for being young, even if I still wasn't very popular with men my own age. So basically youth is all I've ever had and now that's going...

Gide · 27/03/2018 22:24

Mate value? What the actual fuck?! I’ve been feeling very low about my job recently and given how long I spend there, I think that’s more of a valid value. Having got off my arse (as a middle aged woman) and got a flashy new job, I feel very valued.

ChristmasLightLover · 27/03/2018 22:25

I am feeling all of this right now! I'm 40 - turning 30 was empowering and affirming. Turning 40 is ??? I don't know what to think to it. Not impressed so far.

I found some t shirts over the weekend have ordered them - I'm fighting back. They're from twistedtwee.co.uk/ - I'm not on commission ;) I just love them all and the story behind them.

How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?
How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?
How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?
backinthebox · 27/03/2018 22:29

I don't feel my value has diminished. In the next couple of years I will gain a promotion that will see me doing a job that comes with a huge amount of respect, and I have recently got involved with an endurance sport that seems dominated by older women, and hope to get to the top of it in the next couple of years.

I'm aware I am not going to win anything in the looks/speed/strength/youth stakes, but when it comes to prestige and stamina - age and experience win the day here. If you are prepared to fight for it.

pigeondujour · 27/03/2018 22:31

This conversation has been had before and gone a completely different way many times, so don't feel totally invalidated by how absolutely amazing and wonderful and valued everyone else is feeling in your situation, OP.

Hassled · 27/03/2018 22:32

SGB - you're spot on. I did have to make less effort to be liked and popular because I was pretty. At some point that changed, and it took time to get my head around it - but it was good for me, and I'm probably a nicer, happier person because of it.

TheVanguardSix · 27/03/2018 22:34

Didn't know my value diminished!

I feel like I'm just coming into my own.

DaisyDrip · 27/03/2018 22:35

I think women do worry about ageing and our place in society but in truth now I am older it's nowhere near as bad as I had feared. Like backinthebox said with age comes experience and just having lived, it really does mean something.

defineme · 27/03/2018 22:35

I love it, just been away with old friends and we were saying we have a much better time out on the razzle in our 40s/50s than we did in our 20s. We have so much more confidence, we know what we want, we know we are valuable, we couldn't care less what others think- very different to my neurotic unsure 20s.

boboismylove · 27/03/2018 22:38

Even with regards to the unattractive aging thing. It's only men telling us that women lose their looks faster when they age because it's what they want to believe.

I actually think this is bullshit. Most of the women I know in their 50s are much more attractive and in better shape than the men the same age IMO.

But anyway, like people have said its really not the point.

Also men seem to actually take older women seriously - I'm in my twenties and treated like an eternal intern, so I'm looking forward to that.

TheVanguardSix · 27/03/2018 22:41

We lower in reproductive value.

No, no, no.

We don't lost ANY value. We lose eggs, our fertility, etc. But Jesus, value? No.
And by the time you're at this stage, the last thing you want is to be pregnant and having babies. That ship has sailed. I've been there, done the baby thing, I'm trying my best to raise good human beings. But now it's time for other birthing processes of the creative kind. Just because you're done reproducing doesn't mean YOU are done and no longer of any use.
I think you are shelving yourself, OP. Who's this guy your with? You feel so low about yourself as a woman, I can't help but wonder about how healthy this relationship is. You really shouldn't feel so worthless. Sad

raisedbyguineapigs · 27/03/2018 22:41

I dont think my value has diminished at all. I'm 44. I feel I know much more about myself and what I want than I did when I was younger. I dont really care about my value as a sexual being to others though. I have had children. My DH is the same age as me. He's just as middle aged as me and a bit more grey. Maybe if we split he'd put more effort into his apprearance, go down the gym and have less trouble attracting a younger woman than I would attracting a younger man, but he doesn't want any more children, so would be less attractive to a younger woman, and I don't want another man- I'd rather be single, but I exercise for me. Our 'agency', I think is the same. Your value only diminishes if you see your only value as as a sex object for men, rather than a valuable human being in your own right.

Mayday01 · 27/03/2018 22:41

I'm much happier now than when I was in my 20's and 30's.
Some of my personality traits which caused me some trouble when I was younger, now are seen as a positive.
Being outspoken etc.
The looks are holding so far, but I don't crave male attention and good opinion as I did in my youth, so put less of my 'worth' in them so to speak.
For me it's been the best age so far.

AntiGrinch · 27/03/2018 22:42

It's not all about sexual attraction, most importantly, as loads of people have said on this thread.

However, I'm 46 and sexier than ever. I get a lot of attention and I feel free to enjoy it (I am single, or single with dalliances). I think I was quite good looking when I was young but I had no idea and certainly no idea how to enjoy it. I worried a lot about my looks and had poor mental health and literally took time off work sometimes because of bad hair / skin days - I know that's so stupid - but I felt unable to be seen except when perfect. I worried a lot about what everyone thought of me and had long miserable relationships with not-great men.

then I put on a lot of weight and totally lost my mojo in my last and longest relationship.

THEN I lost it again in the past year, got some clothes that suit me and a twinkle in my eye and I fucking rule. I look my age and I act my age but I am sexy as all hell.