How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

[PeppersTheCat]

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

Depressing thread.

Never attracted attention of the male variety when I was younger and better looking. Less so now I am 42 and divorcing.

I can't relate to having people interested in me. I'm not working at the minute due to some budget cuts and I feel horribly invisible and out of place.

So, in theory I've been diminished or of lesser value for all of my adult life.

Uni/jobs/relationships. All wrong turns. I'm the common denominator. I can only see it worsening.

TalkinPeece
I am not in a good place at the moment. I am struggling to see the point of anything. I don't enjoy anything. I have lost the ability to have any kind of joy.

I enjoy being older in many ways but can't say I enjoy being ignored at the bar trying to get a drink.

flock

I hear you & you're not alone.

I'm so so tired of things going wrong, of feeling very outside of life.

I don't know how to make it better tbh. Years of counseling and abuse have taken their toll and I fear it's too late.

I'm just too damaged. Yes I am a great mum and friend. That doesn't pay the bills or hold me at night.

What a mess. And yes, I know I'm being negative. It's so difficult to have to fight all the bloody time

Sosog00d
I can't offer much apart from an unmumsnetty hug. Thanks for sharing that, we aren't alone

Don't agree at all, I'm 45, much more confident in myself and my looks than I ever was when younger. Experience is very worthwhile.

I exercise, keep slim (ish) and feel I'm still quite attractive. Definitely still get male attention. Some people really let themselves go physically and thats no big deal if they have other priorities, its not important to them.

I didn’t realise I was meant to feel I was of “diminished value”

Sorry not to post anything helpful, but what is this "own the crown" reference? I've never heard that expression ever. Thanks!

Sorry, didn't read the whole thread, was responding to the OP, sorry if the placing of my post was unsympathetic Flock and Soso

what is this "own the crown" reference

It's own the crone.

Camilla, I'm with you. I don't think I have a diminished value. I'm still fit, healthy, fully employed, absorbed with life. Plus age means my mortgage is almost paid, my dcs can clean & dress themselves & I can run 10k on a Saturday morning without having to worry if they've set the house on fire.

I stopped worrying about what men think of me a long time ago. To be honest, most of them are a bit shabby so their views really don't count for much.

I haven't felt any lessening of "value" at all.

If anything I feel that I'm more valued now I'm middle aged. I'm more appreciated as a friend, partner, colleague and professional now I'm done with reproduction!

Doesn't this only happen when you're value is tied up with your looks rather than your achievements?

I don't think being middle aged is cronehood though. i intend to embrace that nearer 80.

Atm im a very happy 40 year old with no intention of 'growing up.'

How can you say women age worse than men? Surely that is all down to lifestyle and maybe inheriting good cheekbones! Granted I have not yet reached middle age (30s) but if I look at some of the 'boys' I used to attend high school with, some look far more aged than I do, the females have fared better in looking after their appearances.

I'm 49. I look better than ever- according to me and that's who matters. I am a hoot. My bestie is a 28 year old man who hangs about with me because I am a laugh and don't give two fucks generally. Men look at me now when they didn't before. I'm sure it's a confidence thing. Or maybe I have dinner on my face.

Rather than the misogynistic and stupid term, diminishing mate value, I find I have a problem with diminishing male value which means I no longer buy into the surrendered woman fairy tale and no longer take the bullshit or believe the mansplaining. I see the good in decent men regardless of looks or jobs and hope they can manage the same but if not I don't give a shit!

@flockoftreegulls and @sosog00d
There is no right or wrong
and your posts are a good reminder for everybody on the thread that middle age does not "click" for some people
my only admittedly facile suggestions are

• join a gym and make a new set of middle aged friends who do not know your family
• join a language / art / activity class ; ditto
• stop dyeing your hair and trying to look young - revel in your wrinkles

and mainly, talk to people - for the moment I'd suggest each other as that is a starting point the two of you share

dance like nobody's watching and give less shits really helps I find

We lower in reproductive value.

I'm glad I'm lowering in reproductive value as I certainly don't want anymore kids.

Aging in women is seen as worse than in men.

Only in the media.

It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman.

Is it? I have a younger husband, as do 3 out of my closest 4 friends.

Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

Again, by the media. Not anyone I know in real life. It's just so shallow.

How do you cope with this?

By ignoring it because it's bollocks.

I quite like it tbh, being 53, moving from being a not very good looking younger woman, to being a good looking older one..:)
There is a troop of men chasing me.

It is naive to say that women are not judged on looks, I am fat and mid 50s, certainly not conventionally attractive, and am not going to waste energy worrying about this. But lets not be naive about this.

Being with women friends at this age is brilliant. I really enjoy spending time with them.

But we also spend a lot of time visiting a dying relative, I earn less than I used to, and I am not looking forward to working till 67.

I give less of a shit about looks the older I get so I've managed to cope just fine. My kids are just about grown up and I'm concentrating totally on my career and trying to save as much money as possible so I can enjoy requirement. I also value the other stuff you mention less as I get older. I'm not that bothered about what other people think, but if I felt my DH cared about these things I would LTB.

I'm early 50s and I'm amazing! I don't feel at all diminished. I'm tall, size 12, run 2-3 times per week, my boobs are still perky, my hair has a few grey strands, my skin is in pretty good condition and I'm low maintenance. I have a well-paid job, friends, my parents, my own house, car and a partner 9 years older than me who is equally amazing and adores me. I don't give many fucks any more and I am respected at work for what I know and my experience. Never had kids (and never wanted any) so I don't feel that I have served my "purpose" and now feel useless. Maybe that's what makes the difference. Embrace the positives every age brings!

So you are still conventionally attractive with 'perky' boobs and only a few strands of grey hair. Well you haven't a fucking clue what the OP is talking about then.

crunchymint
As the OP has not come back to clarify or respond to anybody
I think we can safely assume that the OP is a DailyHeil journalist whose question did not go to plan