Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

478 replies

PeppersTheCat · 27/03/2018 20:49

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

OP posts:
AnotherMIL · 28/03/2018 10:05

I’m mid 30s and really struggled with the idea of aging around the time I turned 30.

Now IDGAF. I’m totally at peace with being irrelevant in popular society. I increasingly find myself looking at certain elements of popular culture and thinking to myself ‘what the fuck?’

Who are we trying to please? So long as it is only ourselves then that is fine.

joystir59 · 28/03/2018 10:14

I suffered as an young attractive blond woman, so much from the fucking male gaze, never being taken seriously, being resented by old male buffoons for being so good at my job that despite being 'a pretty girl' I rose to manage a team and be responsible for advising on EU procurement regulations for an entire utility company and reported on £700m of spend. All through that role I struggled with men in suits trying to put me down and trying it on with me (even though I was an out lesbian- and there's a whole other story of 'can I watch' -abuse- hilarity). Men fucked me literally and metaphorically until I got much older when I became mercifully invisible. I'm 60 now, short grey/white crinkly gorgeous hair, no make up, dirt under my nails, not as slim as I was but loving every inch of myself, still a kid playing on the beach with my OH and the dog, FREE FROM PERIODS!!!!! FREE OF THE MALE GAZE!!!! Very respected by both sexes as the wise old crone I'm becoming, Life was never better!!!!

TalkinPeece · 28/03/2018 10:15

I see that OP ( @peppersthecat ) has not been back

has she printed her article in the tax dodging, racist, sexist, ageist, anti semitic Daily Mail yet ?

Mishappening · 28/03/2018 10:15

I think the pressure to try and stay looking young is just rubbish. It implies that youthful is the way to look and young is the way to be; and nothing else has any value.

At 69 I have youthful skin (a family trait) but I have drooping mouth, as befits my age and I really do not care one jot about it - it is simply how folk look at my age - fine by me, no problem.

Elendon · 28/03/2018 10:16

I cope very well thank you.

I couldn't give two shits if I honest. I take care of my 'appearance' but my general demeanour is happy. I will never share my bed with someone again on a regular basis. I'm more than content in my ageing, saggy, old crone skin.

maxthemartian · 28/03/2018 10:20

What an inspiring thread this has turned out to be.

Italiangreyhound · 28/03/2018 10:29

Yes, it is inspiring, we need to challenge these ideas.

I saw a picture of myself on Monday that really upset me, I did not look as good' as I did 10 years ago. No shit Sherlock, I should have said to myself. Still I felt a bit sad, that was Monday. Yesterday I read this thread, or parts of it, and realized, I don't really care how I look a bit older, so fucking what! Yes, I swear a lot more than I used to! I don;t care if random young men are not attracted to me, or random older me. If dh left I am not sure I'd be in a hurry to find a new partner.

But the people in my life, the peopel who matter, respect and love me for who I am. Not for a younger, slimmer version of myself.

Aging is shit, I hate having less energy than I once had. But it is a normal part of life, I can take steps (like joining a gym, which I have done), and I really don;t think middle aged men naturally look or feel better than middle aged women.

We must celebrate who we are and not who others would have us be.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 28/03/2018 10:33

Italiangreyhound - that’s the beauty of aging isn’t it? Less shits given.

I got divorced four years ago. No interest in meeting anyone, as have many children, job etc. Happened to meet a man who is the best man I have ever met. He is a older than me, so maybe I have retained my value somewhat? 🤣

Italiangreyhound · 28/03/2018 10:35

@Ohforfoxsakereturns I recon you are full of value. Grin

Bluelady · 28/03/2018 10:38

I played aging bingo with your list of stuff we face as we get older, Callmeval. I scored six out of seven, out the other side by f all of them now. The thing that strikes me when I look at pictures taken when life was really hard is how old I looked, much more so than now. Stress is aging but it seems it's reversible. Who knew?

PositivelyPERF · 28/03/2018 10:50

YoucancallmeVal

Menopause, divorce, empty nest syndrome, job insecurity, teenagers and elderly parents, health issues. It is easy to want to feel your value, but it is also hard to find any chink of light at some very long tunnels.

I think life experiences can affect people at any age and affect how you view yourself, but that’s different from valuing yourself because of the many benefits of being an older woman. I’m 50.

I had to leave work at 45 to nurse my husband, when he developed a terminal illness, and we both had to learn how to scrap by on benefits, my youngest has SNs and needs constant supervision and I was widowed 3yrs ago. It’s been an awful few years, but my age doesn’t actually have anything to do with that. I’m still a widow, obviously, still middle aged and still have my wonderful youngest and my oldest, who has ADD, but I run my own small business and I still love being an older, kick ass woman.

lljkk · 28/03/2018 10:54

I guess there's a PhD in how people define their identity.
I'm lucky when I was a 20, a Wise friend told me that every age should be savoured for itself. Wise Friend comes from a culture where there's lots of intergenerational mixing, the bisabuelas mind the tiny babies, while the mamas & abuelas work and the kids help the Grandpa and so on. Everyone in this picture has value just the way they are.

Sallystyle · 28/03/2018 10:57

No way is my value going to be diminished with middle-age. Fuck that.

I am 36 and life just gets better the older I get. I am more confident, I am achieving more and I am the happiest I have ever been. I am not middle-aged yet but I am expecting things to get even better. I care so much less about what people think about me and becoming invisible to men doesn't seem a hardship at all.

trixymalixy · 28/03/2018 11:12

" own the crone" I love that and I'm totally going to steal it.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 28/03/2018 11:16

"own the crone" is cool

CountessNatasha · 28/03/2018 11:40

I love this thread - the premise was so depressing but the responses have been defiantly fabulous!

“For everything there is a season...”
Unlike some posters I don’t feel my life has been better at one stage than another - it’s just evolved. I loved uni and partying and being a fetching young thing, I loved my 20s and building a career and earning proper money of my own for the first time, being a new mum marrying and settling down was a wonderful time and now I’m enjoying being more established at work and having less dependent children.

I really don’t think it’s helpful to think of people in terms of “value” (value to whom?) but of course older women are important contributors! I’m a doctor and some of my most respected colleagues are middle-aged women, women with full lives in and out of the workplace

As for men, I don’t know if it’s true that we become invisible - I see loads of older ppl dating. I’m sure the catcalling, chatting up in the street decreases but ffs that’s harassment not welcome attention anyway.

Raise the bar for yourself op

Ilikecheesycrackers · 28/03/2018 11:51

I don't consider my value to have diminished...

Flockoftreegulls · 28/03/2018 12:04

I have always felt invisible and I don't see it getting any better. I have never been "attractive" and it isn't just men who treat you differently, it's women too.
Sometimes I feel that I'm just wondering what to do with the time before the inevitable. I have recently become a SAHM but not really by choice and I am struggling to see the point of me. I do nothing of any interest to anyone and feel very ignored. I am peri menopausal, my kids are growing up. My husband has a job that he loves, he travels lots with it. I have not accomplished any of my dreams and feel its too late.
I feel like I am not important to anyone anymore.
I am glad others feel so strong, I just feel broken and some days I wish I hadn't woken up.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 28/03/2018 12:14

I value myself far more now than I did when I was younger

Yes I have lost my looks and that is what I valued myself on then had to keep telling myself to get over myself and to stop being so self absorbed

Become and mum and I think o am a good mum and education is for me the answer and being in a job that I feel valued and that I enjoy pay is utter rubbish though

I am honest with myself not wanting to please or impress others all the time I haven’t reached I don’t give a fuck attitude and not sure I will but I care far less what people think of me as I realised a little late in life no one is analyzing me as much as I do Grin as I am not like most of us that interesting to others

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 28/03/2018 12:17

And it’s not too late

I am starting second career change in 10 years at 46

Having more knowledge has really given my confidence

DistanceCall · 28/03/2018 13:00

Wow. So many toxic assumptions in your OP.

"Reproductive value"? "It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman'"? "Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc."? "my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman". "the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes".

Are you talking about society or about your partner? Because I think things are seriously shifting in society. And if you have a "power balance" with your partner based on your "mate value", then you have a serious problem there. But it's not your age.

DistanceCall · 28/03/2018 13:01

Oh, and this idea that older women cannot be sexy or attractive is riduculous. What you are not is young. And, true, there is a kind of beauty that is associated with youth. It's not the only one, or, dare I say, the most interesting one.

And the same applies to men, by the way.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 28/03/2018 13:03

Diminished value? Confused I could still reproduce very easily at the age of 50, and DH still finds me attractive, I don't give a shit about anyone else.

TalkinPeece · 28/03/2018 13:05

@flockoftreegulls
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down.
Do any of the things that others have posted give you ideas about how you might redefine yourself to feel more upbeat?
What are YOUR hobbies ?
What are YOUR interests?
How much do YOU swear ?
As you, like the rest of us are worth it
you just have to find your own way to own the crone Grin

ClosdesMouches · 28/03/2018 13:05

OP was clearly so disinterested in the topic, she didn't bother to come back.

One of the biggest benefits of being in the Crone stage, for me, is that I have very few fucks to give nowadays.