How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

[PeppersTheCat]

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

I ignore it. I'm almost 45 and do exactly what I want (outside of work). I answer to no-one. I travel when I want, eat what I want, wear what I want....... you get the drift. I'm happier now than when I was 25.

Italian I do agree with what you’ve just said and I think knots interesting point about how your children view you as an adult
As I know I’ve looked rough this week due to illness and my youngest who is only four told me yesterday i was beautiful because I’d put an old maternity dress on while I did a messy job
To protect my clothes
Seriously looked a state

And I thought wow, Its amazing how he sees me through his eyes
But your right that does and will change with age

I think the phrase diminished value is quite wrong but I think for some women getting older and feeling less physically attractive is difficult. It doesn’t mean they define themselves by their looks or agonise about it every day but for some women it is a fact.

Personally I do and do spend on beauty treatments etc but I don’t think it’s a feeling of diminished value just my feelings about myself.

Also for me I find life is far busier than it was in my early 20s as my kids now need help with their kids and my parents need caring for too.

I am waiting for this release where I can suit myself but it’s not coming yet. Am 50.

I'm 52, and am described by my ds (22), as formidable in both the English and French senses of the word. That is not something I would have been called when younger.

I am more serene in my 50s; I don't give a fuck about lots of things that others get worried about. I have a ds who has a First and is doing his MA; I have been with dh for 33 years, married for 32 this year. I have everything I wanted, (except for long legs and an autoimmune disease I could live without).

I think my value has grown as I get older. I am still young in my head, but see things with a different eye as I mature. I am, for now, in a happy place, and enjoying it.

My perception - I'm a nice person who in a predominantly male work place tries to ask helpful constructive questions.
Drunk male friend's view - I bet you scare the wits out of them.
Ex colleague (male) when I put that to him - Er er er mmm.

Nope not feeling invisible .

By the time most women reach middle age they are so sick of men's shit that they just feel sorry for younger women who are trying to fathom the status quo.

Should have said in my 50's, short, tubby, greying & saggy jaw line.

Definitely a lot to be said for the ageing process imo. I look at my parents and they're probably happier than they've been at any point in their lives at the age of 70. I'm much happier and more confident in my own skin at almost 40 than I ever was in my 20s. My relationship with dh is the best it's ever been because maturity has enabled us to learn from our experiences and adapt our approaches to grow together, compromise when necessary and enjoy life more. I too give less of a fuck about what others think of me and I'm better at picking my battles and realising what's really important.

I don't feel my value has been diminished. What does this even mean? I feel the same as I have always done.

Men's reproductive value stays the same over time only if they can compensate their age with status. The vast majority of average older men don't stand a chance with much younger women.

Love this:

“am described by my ds (22), as formidable in both the English and French senses of the word.”

By the time most women reach middle age they are so sick of men's shit that they just feel sorry for younger women who are trying to fathom the status quo.

So very true. I look at young women now and remember that unconscious need to please, to be ‘nice’, to be attractive, liked, etc, to the point of usually sacrificing my happiness and well being. Then the embarrassment when I wasn’t good enough.

Now I look after me and care about me. I wear what I want, more often than not, that means I look like a scruff, but I own it. I’ve realised that my, don’t give a shit attitude, has actually increased my worth in others eyes. I get respect because I now walk in the world like I own it. When I want to get my hair done or dress nicely I know what suits me and I make sure I’m comfortable.

I don’t believe that men are always right, but by fuck so many of them try to persuade me otherwise. I have developed the Paddington stare. Ironically, since worrying less about people liking me, people actually seem to like me more. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve found that so many other women my age agree with me that they wouldn’t like to be young now, because so many young women seem have reverted to stereotypes, with pouting selfies, constantly wearing makeup, dressing in ‘typical’ feminine clothes, being treats as odd for not having sex, an so on. I know that, obviously, not all young women are like that, but unfortunately those crap reality shows, magazines and society judges them if they aren’t. In some respects things have got better for young women, but in so many other ways they have gotten so much worse.

I love that expression ‘own the crone’.

@fuzzyduck1 that's a really good comment. Thank you for restoring my jaded faith a bit.

Although I think the title of this is asinine and provocative and smells of a cheap daily fail article fishing trip, it has sparked empowering and quite inspiring answers which I've enjoyed.

The pp who lives overseas and feels sad and isolated I feel sad for. It's time you got a share in life. Can your DP move his job back home? Assertiveness now could save you long term heartache. Maybe find a viable job for yourself back home (uk?) via on line sites like the Guardian and apply. If you get an interview ou can always decline if you can't make it but seeing you do this will send a strong msg to your DP in a positive way.

Like many others I am happier at nearly 50 than ever before, having left my LTR.

The point is your value only decreases in the eyes of straight men, and shallow straight men at that. Who cares? I've heard, and seen on here, many women say it's a great relief to have become "invisible" to these types.

I have so much value, in my career, as a parent, from the creative things I do, as a friend. You don't just have to be valued as a sex object (though there's no reason to give up on that either if you don't want to, it's just that you'll only attract less shallow admirers).

"own the crone" :o

Hmm the daily shitmail already ran this story yesterday so if this one is for journalistic purposes then it's because they are trying to drag out a misogynistic storyline as long as possible.

Love the fact that the responses are all so strong and uplifting so will add my thoughts: As a just turned 40 year old I certainly don't feel diminished, largely because I don't judge myself by 'mate-worthiness' whatever that is. I have a hugely successful career, happy marriage, lovely children, comfortable life and financial independence and I am happy with who I am and how I live my life. None of this was the case in my 20s.

Why on earth would I feel less powerful? I feel more balanced and strong than ever

I'm 51, with an attractive solvent husband and a good job. Is that what "value" means?!? Crap question.

Builders don't tend to wolf whistle at me any more for which I am grateful.

Shame on any journalist trying to make this a thing.

As I get older ageing is less of an issue for me. The OP's ideas have no resonance with me at all.
"We lower in reproductive value" ??? Having "produced" children who are now charming young people if anything I've proved my reproductive value, though on the whole in our society we don't judge people on whether they have or can have children.
"It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman" - Amongst my wide circle of friends, relations and colleagues I can't think of any examples of couples where there is much of an age difference - 5 years max. The only exception to this is that I had two relations ( now both deceased) who were farmers and married much younger women, I suspect because they were fit for lots of hard work on the farm.
At 61 I feel better than ever, I'm certainly fitter and thinner than when I was juggling children and work in my 30's. I think I dress better and have an enhanced sense of style. I feel very appreciated in all ways by DH. I still get flirted with by men, and there are plenty of attractive 60+ men about, but also some who have not aged so well, with pot bellies and appalling dress sense.
If you are positive and have the right skills you will be fine in the world of work too, I have had two job offers in the last 18 months and am continually contacted by agencies ( do a deeply unfashionable job)
Women ageing is not "the elephant in the room" it really isn't much of an issue unless you let it be.

Vulva exactly right. People look at Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart, but realistically, the mothers of their children are highly unlikely to be having to bring up a teenager and being a carer for an 80 year old at the same time. They will have resources and money to buy in help. The average 20 something woman is not going to be looking at a 50+ year old man on an average wage and thinking they are a great long term prospect for bringing up a child with. And actually, it's the fathers age that is a consideration for lots of medical conditions. Its not only the woman's age. But we don't hear about that.

Christ, have you SEEN some 50 year old men? I wouldn't now, let alone when I was in my 20s.

This is a very interesting thread (which I shall attempt not to kill). But while women rush here to declare their strength, wisdom and worth, there are many who have gone through fundamentally difficult experiences. Menopause, divorce, empty nest syndrome, job insecurity, teenagers and elderly parents, health issues. It is easy to want to feel your value, but it is also hard to find any chink of light at some very long tunnels.

I'm in my early 40s, bf in mid 30s. No children. Make up baffles me. I live in jeans and trainers. I lift weights. I couldn't give a shit about people's opinion of my attractiveness.

Not sure what you're getting at OP. If you mean sexual attention, then yes that diminishes for many women as they get older, but probably because men all start looking at younger women no matter their own age! As with many PPs - don't give a toss about what people think, man or woman. When I look at some young women and see what they do to themselves to look 'attractive' or 'sexy' I feel sorry for them as their life must be so constrained. Even if I were looking for a man, at my advanced age, I wouldn't want any who prioritise looks/sexiness etc ... I'd just think what a sad bastard.

IF that is your picture of yourself in your head guess what others see. You need to look at your own self worth and ask yourself why you don't value yourself. Why even as a mate would a male in his 50 plus years look for reproductive mates? Does he want to be bringing up children in his 70s - for the most part no.

Break some of your habits, examine what you WANT to contribute and how you can go about that.

I am 50 this year and really don't give a shit but then age never really mattered or upset me. DH is a smidge older and he is the same. Most people I know have no idea how old I am unless I tell them. But it is about my mental attitude rather than anything else.

Think and consider, be true to yourself and value your own self. Age truly is just a number. We alll know or know of lively older people - well into 70s and 80s who in terms of mentally and conversationally you forget their age and are maybe reminded by grey or white hair or an infirmity - but this is no different to a younger person with a disease that stops them walking so far or a disability that limits mobility etc.

As a society we under estimate the depth and maturity that comes with age, the considered decisions the balanced view.