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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to never want sex again

125 replies

notthatagain7 · 27/03/2018 18:09

So I have gone through the menopause quite nicely thank you and now I never want sex again. I think I have given enough pleasure to enough men (not that many) and have not been that satisfied myself so I think I should be able to shut up shop, My problem is that present dh still wants it and I simply cannot stomach it. If I am being completely honest with myself I have never been that keen but have liked the affection it brings. I have recently come to feel very protective of my body and do not want it touched in any way by anyone. After neglecting myself for many years I have suddenly got my act together and become very body conscious. I would not blame him if he went elsewhere, I am ready to be told that I am selfish but so what!. So my question is , would you have sex just to keep your partner happy ? and if so why?,

OP posts:
whatisanamebyanyother · 27/03/2018 18:14

I love sex so can’t really answer. I think you have every right to make that decision but you should tell your dh so he can make his own decisions. And be prepared for what they may be.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/03/2018 18:14

No I don’t think you should have sex in these circumstances (hopefully he wouldn’t want to either!) but I also think it’s not fair to assume he’ll be ok with shutting up shop also - a very frank conversation needed about his options/the future of your relationship.

donajimena · 27/03/2018 18:15

Its about you though. I don't know if I'd call it selfish but you should tell your husband what and how you feel. Then he can make a decision on the relationship.

zomlingsattack · 27/03/2018 18:16

I wouldn't force myself to have sex but in your position I would also expect my dh to leave as it's unreasonable for one partner to decide never to have sex again and just expect the other to end their sexual life too

formerbabe · 27/03/2018 18:16

Yanbu.

If your husband leaves you, he would not be unreasonable either.

GummyGoddess · 27/03/2018 18:20

As long as you inform your DH of this and be prepared for him to leave that's fine, you shouldn't have sex if it turns your stomach.

UnsuspectedItem · 27/03/2018 18:21

Agree with the above.
No one should have sex if they don't want to.
No one should have to live in a secession marriage if they don't want to.

turnipfarmers · 27/03/2018 18:22

YANBU. Sex isn't anything worth having, I've been celibate for over 10 years and don't miss it at all.

Dljlr · 27/03/2018 18:22

What formerbabe said.

Fwiw I know that that feels like to never want to be touched again, thank you. In those circs it's really not ok to force yourself to go through with it.

Dljlr · 27/03/2018 18:23

*what

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/03/2018 18:26

I’m almost through the menopause. Like sex still. Unless your DH doesn’t want it either YABU.

I couldn’t live in a sexless marriage, if sex was withdrawn rather than because of inability in some way.

Original poster
notthatagain7 · 27/03/2018 18:57

Thanks, everyone. I know its not fair and I still love him. It's a tough one.
Maybe things will change, I hope I will feel different in the future. Dh is very patient but I wouldn't blame him if he strayed.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 27/03/2018 19:09

Have you tried talking to your GP? If you love your DH it must be worth one conversation to check if your hormones levels are abnormal and that's influencing lack of libido.

At least you'll have checked.

Sparkletastic · 27/03/2018 19:35

You say you have not been sexually satisfied. Is this the real problem? Was your sex life with DH ever any good?

RaininSummer · 27/03/2018 19:40

I wouldn't care if never had sex again. Been about two years already. Much prefer reading my book, playing candy crush, buying stuff online. Some may find that sad but I love not having the hassle, mess, body worries and lack of sleep.

VeganCatLover · 27/03/2018 19:50

I never want sex, h knows this but continues to not to speak to me over the issue. He won't allow me to get a job, go out by myself, do any extra exercising or even watch tv or read a book. Because if I've got the energy for those I have the energy for sex. I've told him to leave if he is unhappy but he refuses to leave just Incase I meet someone else. I'm desperately unhappy. So no YANBU I would happily never have sex again.

coconuttella · 27/03/2018 20:02

He won't allow me to get a job, go out by myself, do any extra exercising or even watch tv or read a book. Because if I've got the energy for those I have the energy for sex

Wtaf?! Are you being serious? If so, it’s not surprising that you never want to have sex again, at least with him! He’s being incredibly controlling and nasty.

To tell you straight, you are in an abusive relationship and need to work out your escape plan.

VeganCatLover · 27/03/2018 20:10

Unfortunately I am serious, I commented on a thread last week and was told the same. Unfortunately I think I'm stuck I don't know what to do.

coconuttella · 27/03/2018 20:12

I’m sorry, that sounds awful... What would he actually do if you read a book? How would he stop you?

coconuttella · 27/03/2018 20:16

And why are you stuck? What’s stopping you leaving? I appreciate it’s hard but if he’s literally stopping you going out the house then you need support... I’m not best placed to provide that but I’d seriously recommend starting a thread on Relationships where you’re likely to get a lot of support and practical advice.

category12 · 27/03/2018 20:20

If you don't want sex but still want to be in a relationship with him, would you be prepared to have an open relationship? ('Course that doesn't solve the problem that he presumably wants to have sex with you.)

It's difficult - on the one hand, it's your body and your choice and if you don't want to have sex ever again, it's up to you. But it's not a normal relationship and not what he signed up for, as such.

formerbabe · 27/03/2018 20:24

Bloody hell...just read your latest post. You poor thing. Yes, maybe post in relationships to hopefully get some practical advice.

NotReallyTMI · 27/03/2018 20:25

Hi notthatagain7,

I know exactly how you feel - I feel that way too, however because I do not want to get divorced I force myself to do the deed at least once a week - everything has a price and if that's what it takes, then I put up with it.
But if anything were to happen to DH I certainly wouldn't want to look for a replacement.
You probably need to think about whether you can bear to do this too or if you prefer to split from your husband - unless you are married to a one in a million man who actually doesn't mind, but i have a feeling they are few and far between.

goose1964 · 27/03/2018 20:29

Wow , I can't believe that you would rather go without sex and risk him leaving you , than having occasional sex. I'm in the same place as you , post menopause and lost sex drive. I love my husband enough to still have sex with him.even though it might be the last thing on my mind. You can still enjoy it even if you don't initiate it

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/03/2018 20:32

notthat - I'm with you. Fortunately not married but have an OH I don't live with (and only see every few weeks) of whom I am very fond but, quite frankly, sex, although enjoyable, is so low down on my list of priorities that it's dragging along the bottom, underneath cleaning the oven.

I used to be very sex driven, and it's nice and restful. I don't mind it every now and again, but I'd rather have a back rub and a cuddle (OH doesn't do either).

Vegan - you need to get out. That is not a relationship, that is one person oppressing another who won't do as they are told.