aibu to never want sex again

[notthatagain7]

So I have gone through the menopause quite nicely thank you and now I never want sex again. I think I have given enough pleasure to enough men (not that many) and have not been that satisfied myself so I think I should be able to shut up shop, My problem is that present dh still wants it and I simply cannot stomach it. If I am being completely honest with myself I have never been that keen but have liked the affection it brings. I have recently come to feel very protective of my body and do not want it touched in any way by anyone. After neglecting myself for many years I have suddenly got my act together and become very body conscious. I would not blame him if he went elsewhere, I am ready to be told that I am selfish but so what!. So my question is , would you have sex just to keep your partner happy ? and if so why?,

What Bertie said certainly resonated with me anyway. Doubt we're the only women who feel that way, whether they choose to admit it is another matter entirely.

Thanks VerticalLodge

For point out my disxeia your so cleaver.

What Bertie said resonated a lot with me too.

I realize that people have different libidos. However, I think perhaps you have never enjoyed sex due to being with someone who is not very good at it. Great sex is just that great ! I hope that I'm still having great sex when I'm older too

OP! You absolutely have the right to not ever want or have sex again.

I'm a sex worker. I have a lot of clients in their 50s and 60s who tell me during the booking that they love their wives but no longer have any physical intimacy with them at all.

(The information is volunteered, I would never ask)

No doubt some of them are bullshiting. However there are many where it is clear that just being cuddled is a huge need for them. I can't count the number of times I've heard "I could easily cope with no sex but we never kiss, hold hands, or even just cuddle on the settee watching telly".

Being physically touched by another living being is a human need for most of us. It's not even a sexual thing, there are plenty of studies showing that stroking or cuddling a cat or dog reduces stress and improves mood.

So my point is, be honest with your h that you don't ever want sex again, but if you love him then don't remove all physical contact. Be clear with him that "because I kissed you doesn't mean I want to shag" - be strong in your boundaries. But keep the emotional intimacy by maintaining the physical intimacy.

I was going to say the same thing. If you can't bear sex for the moment, could you not cuddle him, kiss him, massage his back and make him feel loved in all other ways?

Why not ask him to be the same with you. You don't need to feel protective over your body if he loves your body as much as you do?

Do you feel loved by him? Cared for?

I think there is a lot you can do to make this a very intimate relationship simply by sharing a deep kiss, holding hands and being close.

I feel for him, it must be a very difficult thing to contend with.

I feel for you, it must be a very difficult thing to contend with.

However loving relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and there is no reason why you can't remain happily married.

Bertie

That was not depressing, it was a very honest post. I agree with every word of it.

What Fuzzyduck said.

This "oh well, he can lump it and leave if he likes" attitude is just childish.

Since you love your dh I agree with the last couple posts that you can still be affectionate and thereby maintain intimacy. Old fashioned sex advice books I read oh- 40 years ago, would recommend that there would be full body stroking with a ban on the erotic zones, and for some this made them start to feel sexual. Also you could masterbate dh or watch him masterbate himself. Others here have recommended masterbating yourself(wth or without dh) to find out what an orgasm feels like and to find out what works for you. Alot of woman find the top position better for reaching climax. As someone mentioned here orgasm isn't that difficult to achieve once you stop expecting it from the indirect stimulaton of man on top intercourse. Maybe if you talked it out with dh he would be up for some experimentation.

It is absolutely true that, for a lot of women, sex is no big deal because the men they have spent most of their lives having sex with are crap at giving a woman pleasure. We have had centuries of being told that women don't like sex - even that women who express any interest in sex are unnatural and immoral. This is purely down to patriarchal culture, which is all about controlling women for men's benefit.
Even when more effective contraception came in, sex was still mostly pushed as something women do for men, and the only 'real' or 'full' sex is PIV which ends in a male orgasm.
Some people, of course, have naturally lower libidos than others anyway, but a lot of women never really had the chance to discover what sex that would be enjoyable for them (whether with a partner or without) would feel like, not least because of the pressure to only have sex with one (or just a few, before finding The One) man. And it would be a matter of luck as to whether he was any good at it or not, and they might never know it could be better with someone else.

So, OP - have you told your DH how you feel?

I think there are also a LOT of men (replying to NottheFord) who don't think any form of intimacy is necessary, apart from sex. How many threads have we seen on here from women whose husbands think every hug is a prelude to sex, or who don't hold hands/cuddle/stroke unless it's a precursor to sexual activity?

It's possible to overlook this to a certain extent, particularly when children are young and climbing all over you and you are hugged and cuddled out. But once the children grow up and leave, you can find that you only get touched by your partner on the breasts or fanny, and it starts to rankle a bit...and they really don't seem to understand the hunger for physical contact that DOESN'T have sex at the end of it.

@BertieBotts at Wed 28-Mar-18 00:07:40 I think you have actually hit the nail on the head with that. I don't think it has to be like that, and it definitely should not be like that, but some of the time it is.

For me, I got more into sex, started to enjoy it more, my kids are older, I get enough sleep, I trust my partner (my husband of almost 20 years), I know he wants me sexually, I feel flattered by this (although I know that I could choose to see it another way). I guess I personally had to just switch that switch in my head to say that actually I want to do this.

Some things helped me - choice of position that I liked more, sometimes wearing sexy lingerie that hides the bits I least like about my own body, things like a nice warm bubble bath first; for me these have helped me feel more in tune with my own body. So rather than seeing it as pleasuring my husband (although there is a bit of that too!) I see it for me.

Now, I actually see it as a good thing for me to engage in.

So much of sex for me in the past was about trying to have babies and (after almost a decade of fertility issues) now sex is just about sex.

I totally get that for some, at different points in life, it is a lot of effort for virtually zero return. But I don't think it has to be like that, having a loving, caring, committed partner is a very good start to turning things around.

@kimanda why would you think Bertiebots was speaking for you? How do you know that they are not speaking "for many other women". Maybe they are. Maybe being honest about sex, what you like and what you do not like is part of making things better.

"The very idea that women are doing it as a chore and have never actually gotten any pleasure from it - ever, and we could get the same from 30 seconds with a vibrator is ludicrous and laughable to the extreme." No, it's really not. If that is not how you feel, great, for you. But honestly, I talk to lots of my middle aged female friends and several of them are not at all interested in sex. Honestly. That is what they say. Why would they lie? If they wanted to lie surely a more 'fun lie would be 'we are swinging from the chandelier nightly!'

So to be honest I do think a lot of women might find sex quite boring, but I can only speak for me, and those women I have spoken to. But that does not negate other women loving sex. The two things can (and do) exist. I can believe you like sex, why can't you believe other women might not?

"As I said, I feel sad for you, and sorry for you.." How thoughtful of you.

"Just coz YOU have had a shit sex life all your life, don't assume all other women have too!" I cannot see how you think that poster is making assumptions about all women.

This post is very offensive and over the top.. fuzzyduck1

Are you on HRT? Have you discussed this with your doctor? I was on a drug that put me into temporary menopause for some of my 20s and I don’t think people really understand what it’s like to have hormonal sex aversion. It’s not a lack of sex drive, I literally felt repulsed and frightened by even the idea of sex, I couldn’t stand to be touched. unfortunately this has recurred after pregnancy - sex drive came back for a bit, then I went on the pill and it recurred again. Now off everything and hoping it sorts itself out as it’s hideous. there’s no way I could just do it anyway without really traumatising myself.

Bertie.
I totally agree with everything you said!

idontdowindows that’s bollocks, frankly. When my hormones are working properly we have a wonderful sex life. Imagine someone opening up your skull and turning off any interest in sex like flipping a switch, and replaced it with horror at the thought of it.

That’s what hormones can do to you. It’s awful and it has no bearing on whether you previously enjoyed sex or not.

One of the reasons romantic fiction/erotic romance is so routinely dismissed as silly and mucky is that it is by and for women on the whole and it tends to include a lot of stuff that is about women's erotic pleasure. The heros (in het romance) might be Mr Rich Bastard, but they give the heroines a lot of thrills and (unless it's 'sweet romance or old-school) quite a lot of orgasms. It's still very popular for a sex scene in this kind of story to feature the man giving the woman pleasure and not asking for or getting any action himself.
But the idea that women can choose their partners and enjoy sex is still so threatening to inadequate men that the whole concept has to be either mocked or punished.

Thanks again everyone, its good to hear other perspectives. I will not be posting again because I think the topic may have run its course. I certainly didn't expect such a robust response and my post seems to have irritated a few people although most have been understanding and supportive. On reflection maybe I did appear to be a little abrupt in my post but that was never my intention, I just wondered what other women in my position did.
Thanks again

Gosh! I don't think it's run it's course at all. Nor has anyone been irritated - just a normal discussion.

You haven't answered about whether you have discussed this with your DH!

I have a very nice sex life actually but it's certainly been concentrated towards later years as yes most of my early sexual experiences were dire.

If you actually read my post rather than being knee-jerk offended, you'll see that as I said if you've tended to have good sexual experiences, you're more likely to enjoy sex and see it as a valuable and beautiful thing. But I don't think it's naive or ludicrous to point out that a lot of women have had shit sex. Depressing - god yes! But where else do these ideas come from that women don't "need sex" or that men like it more? It doesn't make sense until you understand the context that a lot of heterosexual sex occurs in. If you've always had good sex and good sexual relationships, good for you and I'd say that this is quite lucky. Perhaps part of it comes from expectations you have when you're quite young as I was absolutely raised to believe that men are always gagging for it yet women don't really feel/want/need much in the way of sex. Much as I'm sceptical of so-called "sex positive" type feminism I do think there are benefits to being open with young people, particularly girls, about the fact that sex can and should be enjoyable for them rather than something they do for a partner or something that everybody does because it's just normal.

Thanks to others who said they understood what I was saying.

Ah don't worry OP, discussions tend to branch off in AIBU, if you've had enough no harm in quietly being off, but I don't think anyone has been irritated at you or felt that you've done something wrong. It's just the nature of the topic it ends up branching, I think it's interesting.

@BertieBotts I agree that there seems to be more open discussion among younger women about what constitutes 'good' sex from a female POV. (Quite often one of the most popular answers appears to be 'sex where no penis is involved...)