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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to never want sex again

125 replies

notthatagain7 · 27/03/2018 18:09

So I have gone through the menopause quite nicely thank you and now I never want sex again. I think I have given enough pleasure to enough men (not that many) and have not been that satisfied myself so I think I should be able to shut up shop, My problem is that present dh still wants it and I simply cannot stomach it. If I am being completely honest with myself I have never been that keen but have liked the affection it brings. I have recently come to feel very protective of my body and do not want it touched in any way by anyone. After neglecting myself for many years I have suddenly got my act together and become very body conscious. I would not blame him if he went elsewhere, I am ready to be told that I am selfish but so what!. So my question is , would you have sex just to keep your partner happy ? and if so why?,

OP posts:

MethodinHerMadness · 27/03/2018 21:35

I wonder if you son't want sex because it's never been that good and falling hormones have just been the last straw?

I'm post menopause in theory but use HRT and still am very interested in sex. You can try hormone treatments and testosterone if you wanted to.

If you'd had a good sex life would that feel different? Have you ever orgasmed? You talk about doing all the giving which implies your DH is selfish or hopeless or you don't communicate your needs.

If you want to try to reignite things you could talk to your GP about testosterone and there is a new drug coming out which is like Viagra but for women (I think there was a big feature about it in the Daily Fail this week.)

SerenDippitty · 27/03/2018 21:36

I think when you reach the menopause sex becomes a bit pointless in terms of reproduction - it's probably natural to go off sex at that point.

I’m not sure - surely it should be better when you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant any more? I am post menopausal (56) and haven’t gone off it even though it’s always been pretty pointless reproductively speaking for me.

VeronicaLodge · 27/03/2018 21:36

If my partner told me tonight that he no longer wanted to have sex with me and he expected the absence of sex to be permanent I would most likely walk away. It would be heartbreaking, but staying in a relationship where sex was taken off the table would not be much of a relationship to me.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 21:36

Nobody is going on about shunning without talking, are they Dairy?

timeistight · 27/03/2018 21:37

I'm in exactly the same position OP. I'm done - completely. DH is sad, but I'm sorry. I never enjoyed it that much, although I liked the intimacy, but now my libido is completely dead and even with oestrogen pessaries, it's bloody uncomfortable.

According to Woman's Hour, we are in the 10%. That's life.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 21:38

Oh, and I don't believe it needs saying, but intimacy and sex are not actually the same thing. We are all adults here that are aware of this, right?

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 21:38

@Idontdowondiws the OP is suggesting that this was her intention.

MagnaWiles · 27/03/2018 21:38

I don't think it's fair to keep somebody in a sexless marriage unless it is by enthusiastic mutual consent -- for most people, sex is a key part of how they communicate love within a relationship, so this does not seem fair to your partner unless they are also asexual.

If I felt like this but my partner didn't, I'm afraid I would end the relationship. People do try things like open marriages but I tend to think that is a route to heartache.

Italiangreyhound · 27/03/2018 21:39

@notthatagain7 I used to feel quite a bit like you do now. I really was not fussed about sex.

Ironically, it was having sex a bit more frequently that made me get back into it, so to speak.

I do not think you should have to have sex but I also think your dh may choose to go elsewhere for sex or may choose simply not to be married to you.

I would not blame him, nor would I blame you if you wanted sex and he did not.

Ironically, reading about these situation on Mumsnet has helped me. I decided to change my thinking on it, but I must admit that I am lucky because my dh is quite attractive, has worn well, and part of my issue was that I have put on weight and feel I have aged. The fact my dh still desires me is actually rather nice. However, I totally get how for some sex can seem a real turn off.

I think it has taken a mental change for me, and it has taken time and actually now I enjoy it! Not always and to be honest if we stopped for a few weeks I can imagine again it would feel hard to get back into it.

Hope you find your own way ahead.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 21:39

Please show me exactly where she "suggested" that Dairy...

Schnauzermum2 · 27/03/2018 21:40

It’s up to you what happens to your body. Your DH will probably stray and/or leave you.

MrMeSeeks · 27/03/2018 21:44

*Actually he would, because he would be stating that the sex was of such overriding importance to him that it came before everything else.

If your partner leaves you because of lack of sex, all he is saying is that sex is more important to him than you and your relationship together.*
There are threads in here from women saying their partners no longer want to have sex, and they’re told to leave, yet here suddenly if the bloke no longer wanted to be in a sexless marriage he would be the bad guy?

I dont think sex is the most important thing, however it is important in some relationships.
Op does need to tell her oh.
If he chooses to not be there that doesn’t make him a bad guy, nor does it make op unreasonable.

VeronicaLodge · 27/03/2018 21:47

Yes there have been some moving and long running threads on MN from posters who are in sexless marriages and desperately unhappy about it.

BrendasUmbrella · 27/03/2018 21:48

I don't know if it's something you want to consider, but it's never too late to learn to pleasure yourself?

BMW6 · 27/03/2018 21:51

My libido has completely vanished post menopause and I am not suitable for HRT (breast cancer in family history).
Luckily DH is exactly the same, and we had and still have full and frank talk on the subject.
If his libido recovered and he wanted to resume sex with me I'd go see the GP to see if any none HRT available to help, or I'd just get some lube and give it a try at least.

You really must sit down with you DH and tell him honestly your feelings.

OCSockOrphanage · 27/03/2018 21:51

I'd still like to hit the high notes a couple of times a week, but DH isn't capable, for medical reasons. Do I seek solace outside, while my marriage is still happy and we have a child at home? Why one rule for goose, and another for gander? I don't want to seek fresh pastures, so I do it myself.

VeronicaLodge · 27/03/2018 21:56

Not wanting to pry into your sex life OC but do you use sex toys? It's something you could both participate in.

OCSockOrphanage · 27/03/2018 22:03

We do!

OCSockOrphanage · 27/03/2018 22:05

Always up for new recommendations though, Veronica?

Mustang27 · 27/03/2018 22:07

No do not have sex just to keep your partner happy ever.

I do think you sound like you have more underlying than just low libido though. Maybe some counselling to look into it further and a very honest conversation with your husband so he understands how this is going to go. If you really don't want to address it then you need to have that honest conversation any way and see where you both go from there. Maybe an open relationship if you still love one another but can't meet each other's needs. that isn't right for everyone though.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/03/2018 22:10

It isn't bad or wrong or selfish to leave a relationship because your partner no longer wants sex. Sex is more important to some people than others - probably the best analogy in terms of human leisure activities would be music. Most people quite like music, some have very little interest in it but to some it's probably the most important thing in the world.
The trouble with one partner in a monogamous relationship reaching a point where they just do not want to have sex any more is that they are preventing the other partner from doing something that gives joy and meaning to their life. Of course, no one should have to have sex when they really dislike the idea: where it becomes unkind and unfair is when you expect - or demand - that your partner stays monogamous though there will be no sex on offer. No one owns another person's body.

FWIW I lost a lot of interest in sex (when it comes to actually engaging in it) after DS was born, which was 13 years ago: later on, when I started the menopause, I was even less interested. But I was single, too, so I just... didn't really think about it as something I might do. (I write erotic fiction, so it wasn't that the topic appalled me, it was more a case of, well, I've probably had all the sex I'm going to have and I'm OK with that.)

And then I met someone who I was interested in, and, well, my libido hadn't completely retired. I'm still single, and aware that dating opportunities are limited, and I'm OK with that, but I haven't written off the idea that I might have sex with someone in the future.

Mustang27 · 27/03/2018 22:12

@VeganCatLover I would not want to have sex with that creep either.

You really need to start your own thread, the people here are so supportive and have so much knowledge on this stuff. You might even be brave enough to leave. Hell you know you should.

Original poster

notthatagain7 · 27/03/2018 23:44

I am so sorry Vegan. My problem seems so silly compared to yours. Maybe you could start your own thread then we can support you. I hope that you are okay.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 28/03/2018 00:07

I think a lot of women have utterly crap sex for most of their lives and I can completely understand wondering what the fuss is about and/or going off it entirely or just finally giving up the pretence, especially as you get older and have less fucks to give about this sort of thing (literally )

I don't believe that men naturally have higher sex drives than women or that sex is more important for them. I used to believe this, but I don't any more. I think it is simply that sex is almost always good for men regardless of what it's actually like, whereas sex for women is quite often crap and it's much rarer that it's any good. Heterosexual sex revolves around the male orgasm - that is simply how it is framed. Even when sex is "unfinished" it is considered impolite or even dangerous (!) to leave the man hanging and so a manual orgasm - self induced or by the partner - usually occurs. Hence men are always rewarded for sex and find that it is a rewarding and pleasurable activity for them. But as a woman - if you've always or mostly had good sex then you will tend to want to repeat it, and you can see comments to this effect in this thread, like not being able to imagine a relationship without sex or being sad at the thought of never having sex again. But many women don't, because of crap messages about sex being about the male orgasm, because of the female orgasm being "elusive" (basically not really considered that important in the scheme of sex) and even because of sex being so tied up in the male ego that it becomes extremely tedious to keep reassuring a man that yes you're having fun and is easier to fake an orgasm so that he will give the fuck up and let you go to sleep rather than keep on trying and getting more frustrated/whiny about it.

Whether it is physically easier for a man to orgasm from sex than it is for a woman is another possibility too, but it's quite possible that it's simply socialisation at play. Certainly most women find with a little attention and practice it isn't particularly difficult to induce orgasm on one's own if so inclined, so why it is apparently so difficult for men to cause one is a mystery - unless it's the obvious answer that most of them do not actually care.

It is depressing, seriously, but yes the upshot is that women end up having sex because they understand that it's important to their partner but they cannot bring themselves to care for reasons of their own pleasure because this is never guaranteed, and when it is it seems like an awful lot of faff for something you could do in 30 seconds with a decent vibrator. If you even want to do that. It is quite natural when most of the sex you've had has been of this vein to feel fed up that you have "given enough pleasure to enough men" without any real reciprocity. Who wouldn't be fed up at such a one sided arrangement, seriously?

kimanda · 28/03/2018 01:32

@Bertiebotts post (last one on previous page,) is the most depressing post I have read on here for months.

I feel incredibly sad for you if that is how you view sex. And I can assure you that you most certainly do NOT speak for many other women - including me!

The very idea that women are doing it as a chore and have never actually gotten any pleasure from it - ever, and we could get the same from 30 seconds with a vibrator is ludicrous and laughable to the extreme.

As I said, I feel sad for you, and sorry for you, as you have clearly never found a decent partner to have sex with, but don't tar everyone with the same brush. Just coz YOU have had a shit sex life all your life, don't assume all other women have too!

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