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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to never want sex again

125 replies

notthatagain7 · 27/03/2018 18:09

So I have gone through the menopause quite nicely thank you and now I never want sex again. I think I have given enough pleasure to enough men (not that many) and have not been that satisfied myself so I think I should be able to shut up shop, My problem is that present dh still wants it and I simply cannot stomach it. If I am being completely honest with myself I have never been that keen but have liked the affection it brings. I have recently come to feel very protective of my body and do not want it touched in any way by anyone. After neglecting myself for many years I have suddenly got my act together and become very body conscious. I would not blame him if he went elsewhere, I am ready to be told that I am selfish but so what!. So my question is , would you have sex just to keep your partner happy ? and if so why?,

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 27/03/2018 20:33

You might like the book Come As You Are. It taught me things about sexuality that I wasn't aware of. I know exactly how you feel BTW although it isn't my current feeling. I've been there before and I am still fairly ambivalent about sex particularly of the kind which centres around the male orgasm.

I do think it's a shame that mainstream ideas about sex, relationships and sexuality trap a lot of women into this kind of crap unsatisfying sex. I often wonder what my "low sex drive" would have been like if I were a lesbian. Possibly it would have been the same story since other people seem much more interested in and motivated by sex than I am regardless, but I do think the usual heterosexual patterns are particularly destructive in this way.

PinotMwah · 27/03/2018 20:39

Vegan wtf... that's massively abusive, I hope you realise that?

You need to get out of there fast. Talk to Women's Aid. Do you have anyone you can talk to about that?

Sorry for the digression but that is one of the most chilling things I've heard for a long time.

VeronicaLodge · 27/03/2018 20:40

You don't have to have sex if you don't want. He doesn't have to endure a sexless relationship if he doesn't want. Would you give him permission to seek sex elsewhere?

NameChanger22 · 27/03/2018 20:52

I stopped wanting sex in my mid 30s. I think it was a combination of things - desperately not wanting to get pregnant again, realising that I find 99% men unattractive, not feeling confident about my body etc. I decided not to have any more relationships. It suits me fine, in fact I prefer being single. I don't think there is anything wrong with me, its just a preference.

I'm not suggesting you do the same. You should be direct and tell him how you feel and let him know you won't want sex again. Then it's up to him what he wants to do about it.

kimanda · 27/03/2018 20:53

Oh my. What is it about the menopause that stops women wanting sex? I am not far off it and hope I don't get to that stage. Blush

Why do women not want it anymore?

OCSockOrphanage · 27/03/2018 20:56

I do wonder, having been there and talked to the GP about it, whether loss of libido is always terminal, or just not taken seriously. Testosterone drops off the cliff post-meno but it is very rare indeed for a GP to do more than prescribe additional vaginal lubrication. In my mind, I think it would still be marvellous to experience the rush of desire again, and to expect satisfaction, but a decade after an MCI and surgery, the drugs that keep everything running smoothly effectively prevent DH having and sustaining a solid erection, which I prefer to manual or self stimulation. My body works as well as it did at 40; his doesn't, and mentally I have withdrawn from intimacy because it's going to go unfulfilled. It does affect the relationship, and makes me tetchy, but I have no solution.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 20:56

Some women don't want it anymore, some women want more of it.

It's in my experience women with a satisfying sex life that will continue to want it, and women for whom sex has never been all that satisfying that stop wanting it.

If your sex life was never all that great to begin with, you might as well stop having it.

Haffiana · 27/03/2018 20:57

Vegan please start your own thread in Relationships. There is all the support in the world waiting for you.

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/03/2018 20:57

I think you need looking at Grin After my menopause I became insatiable! Poor DH!

NameChanger22 · 27/03/2018 20:57

I think when you reach the menopause sex becomes a bit pointless in terms of reproduction - it's probably natural to go off sex at that point.

colditz · 27/03/2018 20:58

Vegan you are allowed to say no to sex. Your husband is allowed to leave you but he's not allowed to stop you doing things. It's against the law.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/03/2018 20:59

Does you "present dh" know how you feel?

BTW that's a very strange term to use...

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 21:00

I think it's unfair to force your partner into celibacy. I would probably keep on having sex to keep him happy because I love him and want him to be happy. But if I really couldn't stand the thought of it then I suppose an open marriage may be another option. But you really must have a talk with him. It's not fair to just stop being intimate and not explain why or to acknowledge his needs and find a way that he can meet them without making you uncomfortable.

awishes · 27/03/2018 21:00

@vegan this was my marriage. I got out. He made me feel as though me not wanting sex was the cause of our terrible relationship but in fact the lack of desire was because of the way he treated me.
Please plan a way out, I didn’t come here for support at the time but there will be plenty of members who can help you - me included.

troodiedoo · 27/03/2018 21:01

I'm 11 months post birth, could happily not have sex ever again. Yanbu.

NameChanger22 · 27/03/2018 21:01

Are married women and women in relationships really able to say no to sex though? How long can they say no for? I think a lot of women realise they have to have sex, sometimes unwillingly, if they want to keep their relationship.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 21:01

I think it's unfair to force your partner into celibacy.

Maybe that is unfair, but it is artrocious to force anyone into having sex when they don't want to have sex.

VeronicaLodge · 27/03/2018 21:02

Well you can say no to sex permanently but at some point you have to accept that this may well result in your partner looking for sex elsewhere.

Bluesrunthegame · 27/03/2018 21:03

My OH is lovely, supportive, good humoured, I like him very much. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, he is awful in bed. I tried to help things along in our early days (we've been together almost 8 years) but nothing worked. He just doesn't get it. We live in different countries so meet once a month or so, and because he is so nice and I am so fond of him, I put up with 30 minutes of painful boredom once a month and this makes him happy. Lubricant helps, and we use condoms (although I am through the menopause comfortably). I used to be very keen on sex, had loads of partners, experimented etc. I just can't remember why now, or what was so good about it.

turnipfarmers · 27/03/2018 21:04

Are married women and women in relationships really able to say no to sex though?

Yes, unless their DH/DP is prepared to rape them.

Not having sex is a reason why I will be staying single, I don't want the company enough to put up with having sex.

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 21:04

@Idontdowindows that was in response to OP not vegan

NameChanger22 · 27/03/2018 21:05

turnipfarmers - me too. I don't want the company that much either.

Skarossinkplunger · 27/03/2018 21:07

To not say anything and be ok with him to ‘stray’ is selfish, because if he lives you he will be in absolute turmoil before he gets to that stage.

Tell him now, how you feel, give him the option.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 21:07

@Dairyisclosed and mine was in response to the remark as it stands, not to anyone else.

speakout · 27/03/2018 21:09

You can't help the way you feel OP.

Like you I am post menopausal, but I am sex more than ever.
My OH has always placed my sexual enjoyment in a very high place, and although he gets his jollies too he wants to see me happy.
And I am happy to be often to be queen bee........