Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

aibu to never want sex again

125 replies

notthatagain7 · 27/03/2018 18:09

So I have gone through the menopause quite nicely thank you and now I never want sex again. I think I have given enough pleasure to enough men (not that many) and have not been that satisfied myself so I think I should be able to shut up shop, My problem is that present dh still wants it and I simply cannot stomach it. If I am being completely honest with myself I have never been that keen but have liked the affection it brings. I have recently come to feel very protective of my body and do not want it touched in any way by anyone. After neglecting myself for many years I have suddenly got my act together and become very body conscious. I would not blame him if he went elsewhere, I am ready to be told that I am selfish but so what!. So my question is , would you have sex just to keep your partner happy ? and if so why?,

OP posts:

VivaKondo · 27/03/2018 21:10

I have given enough pleasure to enough men (not that many) and have not been that satisfied myself
So your DH has never quite given you any satisfaction during sex.
But he would like things to carry in because it satisfies HIM.

I know that menopause does things to the body and can kill your libido. I wouod hope that after years and years if marriage he wouod actually take that into account and not go somewhere else.
BUT the real issue is that he wasn’t that good in bed.
Which then brings another question. Do you know what would satisfy you and have you ever told him?

RaininSummer · 27/03/2018 21:11

Me too. Have partner at present but if the sex thing becomes to much for him, he is free to leave.

Plantlover · 27/03/2018 21:12

I can't imagine a man having sex if he didn't want to......

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 21:12

But what does that have to do with rape or coercion as a stand alone remark? The two aren't necessarily linked as illustrated by the following lines. One can choose (without any degree of force from the other party) to have sex one doesn't feel enthusiastic about or one can choose to allow one's partner to take lovers. Other posters have pointed out that ending the relationship is also a possibility. One doesn't flow from the other at all. I don't see how you can possibly get it's alright to force you partner into sex from it's not OK to force your partner into celibacy. You've made a few leaps to get from one to the other. I assumed it was because of vegan's awful situation.

speakout · 27/03/2018 21:14

kimanda
*Oh my. What is it about the menopause that stops women wanting sex? I am not far off it and hope I don't get to that stage. blush

Why do women not want it anymore?*

I have found the opposite!

A combination of more time, no young kids around, I'm not sleep deprived, no fears of becoming pregnant, more body confident ( despite my age) understanding my own sexuality more than I did when I was younger- many factors.
Sex has never been better in fact, My desire and ease of satisfaction have increased.

Eric1964 · 27/03/2018 21:15

@notthatagain7 : Do what you want, but be straight with your other half. Tell him you're finished with sex.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 21:17

You didn't read what I said Dairy, and nothing I said was in response to Vegan's situation.

I said that it may well be unfair to not want sex anymore, but making someone have sex against their will is artrocious.

So let it be "unfair". Life isn't fair. Men don't need to be coddled.

And if the relationship is so precarious that there must absolutely be sex or it ceases to exist, then it's not much of a relationship at all.

VivaKondo · 27/03/2018 21:17

I think it's unfair to force your partner into celibacy.

Is not not unfair and selfish for him to expect his partner to have sex with him even though he never quite satisfy her?
Is it fair and kind of him to expect her to put her well-being on the back burner for his own pleasure?
The idea that it’s awful to ‘force’ into celibacy is based in the idea that getting sex from your kartner is a given a LT relationship (even more so for a man to expect it from a woman). But why on earth should accept crap sex? Or selfish sex?
Sex is, just like any part of a relationhsip, a give and take exercise. There is no HAVE TO or ‘awful to force him into celibacy’ etc... evause it’s always about much more than just having sex. It’s also about health and pleasure and actually taking care of the wishes and likes of the other person.
As for her having to tell him so he can choose. What about HE starts talking with her about the fact he wants more sex? Or how it makes him feels? Or that he can’t possibly live wo sex so will be happy to through away 30 years if marriage, children, family for sex?

tass1960 · 27/03/2018 21:17

I am post menopause and feel sad at my lack of libido - when we do try it is painful and actually pretty difficult to achieve penetration at all (despite having various lubricants). My GP did talk about testosterone but GP's can't prescribe it apparently - am not exactly sure where you are supposed to get it. To be fair I haven't pushed her to find out either ... My husband is pretty understanding but I do feel for him too - I would be gutted if we separated but I would understand if that's what happens ultimately.

OCSockOrphanage · 27/03/2018 21:19

@Kimanda, that's personal to you. What happens if your partner can't perform? It's a conversation, there are two sides. Do you toss him aside in favour of a younger, more satisfactory model?

VivaKondo · 27/03/2018 21:19

The idea that’s it’s unfair not to have sex....

I’m wondering why no one is saying that it’s unfair for one partner to force the other to have sex when they don’t want to under the threat of straying or seeing the marriage exploding....

VeronicaLodge · 27/03/2018 21:20

Is not not unfair and selfish for him to expect his partner to have sex with him even though he never quite satisfy her?

I wonder if he knows he's never satisfied her. He may well know and be an arsehole who doesn't much care as long as his needs are taken care of but on the other hand he may be labouring under the impression she has enjoyed their sex life. A surprising amount of couples have sex yet never discuss the sex they have. Communication is key to good sex.

VeronicaLodge · 27/03/2018 21:22

I’m wondering why no one is saying that it’s unfair for one partner to force the other to have sex when they don’t want to under the threat of straying or seeing the marriage exploding....

Who has said it's fair to force sex by threat of straying?

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 27/03/2018 21:24

I really don't think that anyone who hasn't had the menopause yet can't understand where you're coming from OP.

Our bodies undergo massive changes at menopause and many of us are then less interested in sex. It's a biological thing and you certainly shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. No-one has the right to your body.

I know that it must seem impossible to go off it to those whose bodies are still producing plenty of hormones - I was rampant through my forties. Then hit a massive depression as everything changed, and not wanting / needing sex was one of the effects.

KirstenRaymonde · 27/03/2018 21:25

Does your husband know sex hasn’t been particularly satisfying to you?

KirstenRaymonde · 27/03/2018 21:25

You might feel differently if it was?

branstonbaby · 27/03/2018 21:26

So sorry to hear!

As PP have said, YANBU but neither would he be to look to have needs met outside your marriage.

Would you be willing to maybe try and awaken any sexual feelings, by yourself?

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 21:28

@idontdowindows and you haven't read what I have said twice now. Never at anypoint did I say or imply that it's pernittable to force your partner into sex. Merely that it is not fair to force them into celibacy and that OP must fund a solution or at the very least communicate with her DH so that he isn't left in doubt. I brought up vegan because that is the only place on this thread that forcing a partner into sex comes up. If you read what I wrote and thought that I was implying that forcing yourself onto your partner is justifiable then you have leapt to your own conclusions. There was no rational reason for you to think that from what I wrote.

OCSockOrphanage · 27/03/2018 21:29

Someone suggests that men don't need to be coddled, but I mildly disagree. Men, especially as they age and weaken physically (faster than women), have much greater health risks than women. IF you love the old git and he is generally nice to have around, socially and companionably, then you do just deal with the death of eroticism stoically.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 21:30

Dairy, I was commenting on your use of the word "unfair".

So what if it's unfair? Who cares that it's "unfair". Not having sex is unfair, so boohoo poor bloke. Life's unfair.

VeronicaLodge · 27/03/2018 21:31

I agree OC. Of the older couples I know it's generally the man who has declined quicker healthwise.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 21:31

As PP have said, YANBU but neither would he be to look to have needs met outside your marriage.

Actually he would, because he would be stating that the sex was of such overriding importance to him that it came before everything else.

If your partner leaves you because of lack of sex, all he is saying is that sex is more important to him than you and your relationship together.

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 21:32

@Viva for many role intimacy is a need and it is conventional within a marriage for those needs to be fulfilled. He has no right to expect OP in particular to fulfill those needs but he has every right to want to fulfill them and OP would be unfair to not permit him to do so whether with her or someone else if he so chose.

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 21:34

@idontdowindows if your husband just stopped wanting to be in tamale with you and didn't tell you why or failed to recognise that your needs for intimacy (more than just sex) were unfulfilled that would be an OK thing to do would it? It's not fair to just shun someone who loves you without explanation.

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 21:34

And still absolutely nothing to do with rape

Flip

1 2 3 4 5