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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of you throw your teenager out you don’t dictate the rules

152 replies

MaitlandGirl · 27/03/2018 12:11

So our family of 5 has just become a family of 6 as one of DD2s friends (17 year old girl) has just moved in. Her parents threw her out after one too many disagreements (fault on both sides) and her parents have tried to dictate to me the rules she needs to have in our house.

We’ve already told her she’ll have to follow the (I think very reasonable) rules of the house and that we’ll treat her exactly the same as the other three.

She’s a good kid and we won’t have any problems (well no more than we have with ours) and we’re happy to have her here but her parents got my back up with their demands.

So, AIBU to think that if you throw your teenager out you don’t contact the people taking them in insisting that they follow your rules and treat their child different to your own?

OP posts:
SadieHH · 28/03/2018 07:52

A family member did this with two friends actually, her daughter’s BF and her son’s GF. There was some issue about money as they got a little older but other than that it worked well. Both couples are now married though so be prepared for that Wink

Joking aside, you sound awesome to be doing this. My eldest is only 10 and goodness knows I’m tempted to kick her out sometimes Wink and I think this girl’s parent should think themselves damned lucky that you’re providing a safe and, by the sound of it, loving home for their daughter when they couldn’t/wouldn’t.

eddielizzard · 28/03/2018 07:53

her parents are well out of order. wow.

you are a saint though.

billybagpuss · 28/03/2018 07:56

Out of interest, how did the parents contact you did you speak or was it message, and how did you respond?

VanillaSugar · 28/03/2018 08:10

Posters, posters - you’ve all missed the vital component to this...

When the parents say that they want their DD up by 7am on a Sunday, they mean that they want the OP to get up at 6.45am on a Sunday to make sure that the girl is up at 7.

Well, fck that for a lark.

VerbenaGirl · 28/03/2018 08:17

It's so great that she has had somewhere like yours to go. And no, her parents can't now dictate the rules!

ShortandAnnoying · 28/03/2018 08:24

Posters saying the girl may be manipulative and is way worse at home than she acts towards friends parents. That might be true but wouldn't the parents come and talk to OP, who sounds a nice person. Rather than simply throwing her out they could make a fair arrangement where they pay toward her keep and be grateful the OP is willing to take her on.
The list of highly controlling rules so casually given to OP makes me think they think nothing of controlling her that way or even more, at home.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 28/03/2018 08:43

Irrespective of whether the girl is a saint or a little bloody nightmare, you’re a star to let her live with you. It doesn’t matter whether she’s driven her parents to it or if they’re just barking, those rules aren’t going to improve anything.

She’s 17, she’s living with you. It gives you a rather large indication that it’s the parents that are the problem here, when they don’t have any social awareness & try to dictate rules YOU have to follow.

Even if she has been difficult at home (beyond the backchat) living elsewhere (lat yours) is likely to be the turning point.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2018 08:43

The parents sounds awful, well done op for giving this girl safe and comfortable home, could be a lot worse. Where are the parents? Why are they not meeting up with op to sort things out.

Jux · 28/03/2018 10:24

But they KICKED HER OUT! How can anyone think that parents who do this for so little a reason could be good parents only concerned with safeguarding their child?

She's not on drugs, her bf is nice, she's studying, she's working, what possible reason, in the light of the girl's actual behaviour, could be bad enough to kick her out?

Is she extremely violent? My guess is no.
Is she dealing, but not taking, drugs? My guess is no.
Is she bringing home strange, druggy, violent people? My guess is no.

I can understand a parent at the end of their tether with a child who is violent, stealing from parents to support a heroin habit, making illegal child porn videos, and a few other extreme behaviours, yes then I can understand a parent kicking their child out. But otherwise, no, I don't think so.

One of dd's best friends was kicked out of her home by her dad, who was a nasty controlling bully who beat his wife everyday of her marriage. When the girl was kicked out, that was when the mum made her choice and the dad was gone in a flash, and the girl came home.

Original poster
MaitlandGirl · 28/03/2018 23:25

I phoned her dad to let him know she was definitely going to be with us, it was during the phone call he launched all his rules at me. I just agreed to keep the peace while telling him I would treat her exactly the same as I treat my other three.

She is a genuinely good teenager, we’ve spent a lot of time together since she’s been friends with DD2 and she’s fully aware of how we parent so it’s not a case of her having an easy life here.

At the moment the plan is that she’ll be here for a few months at least - at that point she’s hoping to be able to move in with her aunt. Shes overseas at the moment so she’s not been able to talk to her but she’s hoping that she can move in there. If not, she’s staying here.

OP posts:
Jux · 28/03/2018 23:43

That's great, Maitlandgirl. You are being really kind and generous. That young lady will remember your kindness all her life. I hope her aunt comes up to scratch, everyone should have at least one person looking out for them.

snewsname · 29/03/2018 08:30

I've heard tales about a couple of dd's friends and tbh the parents do sound batshit. My dd often says she's so glad she has nice parents.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 29/03/2018 10:04

it was during the phone call he launched all his rules at me

Is he someone you know well, or a relative stranger? If he launched a list of rules at you as a stranger, then it tells you everything you need to know about him being a controlling arse having what parts of reddit would call an extinction burst. All the excuses upthread about how it might be that he is responding sensibly to a difficult situation would work only if he also explained the difficult situation; that he went straight into a list of rules probably says "arse".

Aeroflotgirl · 29/03/2018 13:13

You are so lovely op, I wish there was more people like you. Dad sounds like a controlling arse.

doubtingmyself18 · 29/03/2018 13:14

Just nod along and ignore the batshit controlling fuckers

tralaaa · 30/03/2018 07:41

My DD friend lived with us for about six months when she was 17 and at college, I had known her mum through a friend since she was a baby. My daughter asked if she could stay and she couldn't bear living at home any more. She was no trouble and her home if was difficult once she got to college. No clean clothes, the electric kept running out, no hot water, no food. After about 3 months her dad started pulling up on the drive and picking her up and taking her out for lunch. Then her mum started too.
After about 4 months I contacted the Dad to say I needed some financial support, he couldn't afford it ! I said I know Mum is getting Child benefit and tax credit can I have that? The mum rang me to say her DD has a home and if she chooses to live with me she needs to get a job! She stayed until she finished collage and got a flat with our support. She has a partner now a job a home and 2 children. And often speaks fondly of her time with us - I think I made her able to "break free"

doubtingmyself18 · 01/04/2018 00:39

@tralaaa I hope you reported her for fraudulently claiming!

Original poster
MaitlandGirl · 11/04/2018 07:11

Just thought I’d pop back to update :)

Things are going really well, she’s still being a lovely girl and sticking to the curfews and house rules we’ve given her. She texts me to tell me when she’s leaving wherever she is so I know when she’ll be home. She’s only been home late (she misjudged how long it would take) and she was really upset and apologetic. Poor girl expected me to ground her as she was more than 4mins late, which was apparently her dads rule.

She’s set up a weekly payment to help towards the cost of her food and gets odd bits from the shop when she finishes work if we need anything.

I haven’t heard from her dad after that initial phone call but she has had lots of contact from her Mum on SnapChat - all the photos are basically ‘look at how much fun we’re having without you’ types of photos (breakfast out, the movies, meals out etc - all stuff she was previously told they couldn’t afford) so I’m not too surprised that I haven’t had any contact with her parents. It’s a messed up family where she is definitely the scape goat, which is really hard for her to deal with at 17.

It’s still looking at being another couple of months until she can move in with her extended family member but we’re confident things will keep going well.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaitlandGirl · 11/04/2018 07:14

I meant to say - I’ve only met the parents in passing when they’ve previously dropped her off / collected her when the girls have had a sleepover so we really don’t know them at all well.

DP and I saw them in the supermarket this weekend and they walked straight past us - I recognised them but they genuinely didn’t know who we were.

OP posts:
CoffeeOrSleep · 11/04/2018 07:35

Sounds increasingly like you have done a wonderfully kind thing.

Glad she's settling in with you.

One thing to have a chat about - if she's driving to/from places, be clear you'd rather she was late, but drove carefully, than take risks speeding/driving recklessly to be back when she said she would if she gets delayed.

gingergenius · 11/04/2018 07:44

She sounds lovely and so do you op. Poor girl. Glad she had someone to escape to

Veterinari · 11/04/2018 08:22

Well done OP. There are some batshit comments on this thread - glad the girl has you for support. Flowers

Nobody forces an implant. That sounds like a story you’ve been given. She was obviously at it and that’s why they put her on contraception. The GP/nurse wouldn’t perform that implant without good reason either

WTF??!! So what if she was ‘at it’ Hmm She has a boyfriend and is legally over the age of consent. When the fuck did it become ok to judge someone negatively for being responsible with contraception??

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/04/2018 08:33

They might be controlling arsewipes or they might have the cut of her jib.

You'll soon find out OP. Personally I would be treading pretty carefully.

CoffeeOrSleep · 11/04/2018 08:35

Yep, repeat after me "it's completely fine for young woman over the age of consent to enjoy sex".

Honestly, a 17 year old sleeping around is only a problem if a) you think they aren't having safe sex or b) you think it's without consent - possibly c) if you think they are cheating on someone.

Does it matter as long as the op isn't expected to host strange young men at breakfast ?!

DobbyisFREE · 11/04/2018 11:26

What a lovely update. I'm so glad things are all working out, you've definitely changed her life for the better.

This is one of those threads that restore my faith in humanity Flowers

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