To think of you throw your teenager out you don’t dictate the rules

[MaitlandGirl]

So our family of 5 has just become a family of 6 as one of DD2s friends (17 year old girl) has just moved in. Her parents threw her out after one too many disagreements (fault on both sides) and her parents have tried to dictate to me the rules she needs to have in our house.

We’ve already told her she’ll have to follow the (I think very reasonable) rules of the house and that we’ll treat her exactly the same as the other three.

She’s a good kid and we won’t have any problems (well no more than we have with ours) and we’re happy to have her here but her parents got my back up with their demands.

So, AIBU to think that if you throw your teenager out you don’t contact the people taking them in insisting that they follow your rules and treat their child different to your own?

your great, my mum did the same for my friend when we were 17, actually helped us both find a little house to rent and sorted it all out for us, many happy memories of that time. Friends mum was exactly like your describing, incredibly controlling.

LETHALDRIZZLE I can assure you my hubby is the most gentle of men and wouldn't do anything untoward what DS1 needed was a quick sharp lesson in manners which he agreed worked.
So sorry if it came across as sounding threatening.

Maitland, you sound really kind and straightforward, and this poor girl's parents sound controlling and unreasonable. Thank goodness she had you in her life when they threw her out.

I hope everything works out well for you all.

It didn't sound threatening, abigailsnan, it really made me laugh.

If my relationship with any of mine broke down to the point that one of them moved out (or I booted them out), never mind insisting on my own rules: I'd just be very, very grateful to anyone like the OP, who was willing to take them in and keep them safe.

Also had a hell of a time with one of my DCs and I was not helped by well meaning adults who thought they were a poor dear little thing with awful parents and needed a bit of TLC

A friend of mine had a similar problem.

But it does sound like a different situation here, though.

Holy hell. They sound waaaay ott controlling. What do they think she’s doing every hour to need to control her movements!? Snapchat map once an hour!? Do they think she’s on the game or something? I don’t understand this at all

I'm finding it odd that posters can't imagine what a teen would do to make their parents worry about where they are, who they are with, when they will be back and what they're spending their money on.
The boards are full of parents of teens at their wit's ends.

JessicaJonesJacket you are spectacularly missing the point.

OF COURSE every parent worries about these things.

However that worry doesn't make it good parenting of a 17yo to be that overbearing in controlling and monitoring their child.

Late teen years need to be about gradually giving more freedom and autonomy and opportunities to develop the ability to make good choices independently. That can involve letting the teen make bad choices so that they can learn from the consequences.

Controlling spending, timetabling unrealistic curfews and wake up times, and constant tracking, will just drive any teen away and result in them being less well prepared for life as an adult - and is therefore terrible parenting even if it results in the parent feeling less worried and stressed.

How selfish, for a parent to prioritise their own peace of mind over their child's long term wellbeing.

I know it sounds a bit nuts but some parents really are that controlling.

One of my DD's friends has parents who are similar and even at the age of 18 when she was still at home had incredibly strict rules to live by. She wasn't allowed to go out with friends, wasn't allowed to watch TV, wasn't allowed to do any activities except one. All she was allowed to do was study.

Then she got into uni a few hours drive away and went completely off the rails when she suddenly had all this freedom. Ended up in hospital after overdosing on Class A drugs and alcohol. She has taken heroin, speed, coke, cannabis and drank so much that she is in danger of permanently damaging her liver. Her parents don't know any of this.

I don't blame this girl for rebelling against her parents. Monitoring her car mileage? Making her get up at 7am every day regardless of what she is doing? Bloody madness.

I'm not missing the point. I'm coming from the experience of having a sibling who could easily have presented to friends with a story of overbearing parents.
The parents, in this case, may not be prioritising their peace of mind. They may be safeguarding younger siblings. Their rules may seem odd but they could be a response to specific risky behaviours. It's very easy to sit outwith a family and judge but it takes a spectacular lack of imagination to be unable to fathom why limiting funds could be a resort for parents.

The girls parents contacted op herself and told her what rules she should abide by, not the girl.

Over the years Ive had a few teenage boys, friends of my Ds, who have been thrown out. Two of them were still in highschool when they hit 18 and were thrown out. I made it clear that to live here they had to live by my rules. I only had one problem boy and he was damaged more than my ability to help him. I found him a place at a refuge for homeless teens but only after I told him he had to go. I tried and tried with that kid, he was just too far gone, anger issues etc having talked to his dad I understood why. I had some lovely kids live here and have no idea why they ended up thrown out. All have good jobs now, even the problem boy, well he has a steady job even if its not well paid, One is a marine, married for 5 years and bought his first home last year. I treated em all like mine and expected respect for me, mine and my rules. I like teenagers.

If you think these rules are reasonable in any circumstances then you need to check your own parenting. Its just pure control.
The gettinh her up at seven is the proof. No reason for it. Its just to show they can.

I am gobsmacked that anyone can read that list and come to the conclusion that the daughter was horrible to her mother. For backchat. So not drugs or violence. Just taking back. If you really think that warrants that level of control over a near adult you have some serious issues. If an adult behaved like this to there partner then it would rightly be called abuse.

Errr no, you can't call someone who has kindly taken your child in with a list of house rules!

The rules are abusive and violate her right to privacy

Tell the poor girl to switch of Snap Map completely. Get her to turn the Ghost Mode on so her controlling parents can't track her anyway.
If it is switched on any post she makes will reveal her location anyway, and they'll be stalking her from a distance.
They're mad to tell her to have this on. It's not only them who will be able to stalk her with this feature. This feature is a horror show.

In fact, get her to turn all location services off on her phone. It will prevent her from being ambushed by them randomly.

And you are lovely.

What is your plan if she and your daughter have a proper falling out? Where will she go?

Her parents are abusive.

She is an adult (young adult). I have never understood why parents can be controlling but it wouldn't be tolerable in any other type of relationship.

Give her space op. It's scary trying to fit in with another family. Good luck.

Are you absolutely sure she hasn’t contributed to this situation? eg drug taking, sleeping around etc? You want to be absolutely sure before taking somebody into your home who could influence your own teenager. When I was that age I was a “lovely” girl to everybody else but vile to my mother because I didn’t want rules. I still don’t like being told what to do. I was secretly manipulative and a liar and I used to sneak out of home at 15 and go to nightclubs with boys. But I could do the “convent schoolgirl” routine when required. Nobody forces an implant. That sounds like a story you’ve been given. She was obviously at it and that’s why they put her on contraception. The GP/nurse wouldn’t perform that implant without good reason either. I’m just remembering what I was like and advising you to please be careful and maybe go talk to her parents in person.

Op you are definitely well meaning but have you thought of when she needs new clothes etc?

It’s going to be way more than an extra mouth to feed and treating her as one of your own - which she’s not and no matter how hard you try she might feel the difference and your children may feel it as well. They might get fed up of having someone else being treated as one of your own.

My mom threw me out when I was 16. I hadn't done anything 'truly awful' she accused me of all sorts of things that I simply hadn't done. She came into my bedroom spoiling for an argument. My curtains were shut when it was still light outside. She stormed over to the window and threw them open. I got up and closed them. She then decided that I was completely out of order and tried to take my stereo (go to punishment for any percieved slights) so I tried to put my arm in the way so she couldn't get it. She screamed that I had hit her (I remember it vividly she stopped about an inch of my arm)

Then I was told to get out. I remember asking my mom if she cared that her daughter would have no where to go and would probably end up on a park bench, and she simply told me no, and I was to leave right then.

We speak now. I am almost 30 and I don't think I can forgive it. But it is simply not mentioned. She did also try to keep me on a leash after I had been kicked out and constantly phoned the friends parents I was staying with, asking what I was doing and why, where had her child benefit gone, had I lied to get it. (short answer, no, friends mother took responsibility for me, spoke to CB and was told she could claim for me!)

I have 3 children now, including 2 daughters and I don't think I could ever treat them the way my mother treated me, like I say we get on now, but it is very much the elephant in the room, I am treated like an untrustworthy child to the point where I am not allowed to have her address (but she has demanded mine!)

I am going to stop because this is too long now, sorry OP to hijack thread but boy that was cathartic to get that out!

I won’t tolerate her showing me the same attitude she shows her Mum

Just a thought but is that how the father treats the mother too? Obviously you don't want to get involved in their relationship but this control could be coming from the father who is used to being in control of all the women in the house. The mother could be so far down the route that she no longer sees the problem.

Given that she has given no indication that she is off the rails, struggling with drug addiction or a manipulative, rebellious liar, the chances are that these parents are controlling and batshit. Surely if she had serious problems her parents would have warned you of this and explained why they need to monitor her behaviour.

I suppose we all project a bit on these threads. I am still being told by my father (mother dead) that I was feisty and rebellious. I am in my fifties now and my dad calls me naughty marmite. Some parents have no idea what rebelliousness really is. I didn’t drink, take drugs, sleep around, treat them badly. I even used to work to pay for clothes and going out money. I just didn’t agree with their political views, wanted to have a boyfriend and some privacy and autonomy - they would send my sisters into the back room or come in themselves ( obviously not allowed in my bedroom) every half an hour to check I wasn’t up to something (I wasn’t). This was when I was seventeen. My mother also used to hoover in my room to get me up at the weekends at 8am. She once rang up a schoolfriend’s mother to check I was there at 10pm (I was 18 by then!). She didn’t like me growing up and finding my own identity (jealous)

Just like Yimmini Youda suggests it has long lasting effects, that sort of controlling behaviour. It took years of therapy to overcome some of the issues that arose from that. I still struggle to be assertive with people, know my own mind, believe in my ability to do things.

OP you seem lovely and you are helping this girl to become a confident, well rounded, independent adult. She will always be grateful to you. I wish i had had someone like you in my life.

Princess that is awful and unforgivable. I don't think I could have anything to do with my mum after that.