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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of you throw your teenager out you don’t dictate the rules

152 replies

MaitlandGirl · 27/03/2018 12:11

So our family of 5 has just become a family of 6 as one of DD2s friends (17 year old girl) has just moved in. Her parents threw her out after one too many disagreements (fault on both sides) and her parents have tried to dictate to me the rules she needs to have in our house.

We’ve already told her she’ll have to follow the (I think very reasonable) rules of the house and that we’ll treat her exactly the same as the other three.

She’s a good kid and we won’t have any problems (well no more than we have with ours) and we’re happy to have her here but her parents got my back up with their demands.

So, AIBU to think that if you throw your teenager out you don’t contact the people taking them in insisting that they follow your rules and treat their child different to your own?

OP posts:
rascallyrascal · 27/03/2018 14:04

Wow! Good on you OP. Her parents sound bonkers! Poor thing. Glad she had you.

StormTreader · 27/03/2018 14:09

Jesus, those rules at 17! The poor girl! Unless shes fighting a deep-rooted drug addiction or something that you're not aware of then the travel and spending restrictions alone are horrifying, and there's NO excuse for up at 7 on a Sunday!

Out of interest, if shes only allowed to spend £10 maximum on herself, where is the REST of her money expected to go?

LagunaBubbles · 27/03/2018 14:10

that I record the mileage on her car before and every trip to make sure that she’s only been where she said she was going

Oh thats awful!

MrsLupo · 27/03/2018 14:35

She sounds like quite a handful if her parents resorted to throwing her out

Bit Hmm that this was anyone's first thought, as though parents can always be counted on to be benign and reasonable.

Good on you, OP, for being there for this girl. Flowers from the 17yo me.

LagunaBubbles · 27/03/2018 14:51

She sounds like quite a handful if her parents resorted to throwing her out

Is that what you automatically think that the parents couldnt possibly be the ones at fault?

JessicaJonesJacket · 27/03/2018 14:54

It would be a slightly different story if she was out doing drugs
But we don't know if that is the story or not. We have no idea what's happened except OP said there was fault on both sides (in her view).

Original poster
MaitlandGirl · 27/03/2018 15:18

She’s overall a good kid - she seems like a fairly typical teenager (or at least very similar to mine) in that she’s a bit flaky with her chores, a bit untidy and a bit argumentative. I’ve already told her I won’t tolerate her showing me the same attitude she shows her Mum, but then she said “it’s differebt with you as you like me”. That damn near broke my heart.

She doesn’t smoke/drink/do drugs/stay out all night drinking and in all the times she’s stayed her (she’s been friends with our youngest for 5 years) I haven’t seen anything that could explain what’s happened. Yes, she backchats her Mum but I think that’s probably the same for 90% of all teenagers.

For those that mentioned it - contraception is covered (her Mum insisted on her having the implant when she turned 16) so that’s one less worry and we had ‘the talk’ a few months ago about making sure condoms are used as well. She’s got life goals and plans so isn’t going to be irresponsible with contraception.

So far as I know her parents aren’t religious but I don’t know them well enough to be able to know for sure.

There’s been no offer of financial assistance but we’ll muddle through. I’ve no idea where she would have ended up if she didn’t come here but at least with us I know she’s safe and keeping up with her college course and going to work.

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 27/03/2018 15:33

My parents threw my DSIS out when she was 17/18. She ran up debts, stole from my other sister, had an affair with a much older man and used to disappear to stay with him. She made home stressful and difficult for everyone. Life with her was a constant drama.
If you had asked her friend's parents, they would have thought she was a lovely, polite, bubbly child with overbearing parents. They would have had no idea the horrible impact she was having on all of us. I'm pretty sure she would also have managed a 'It's so nice you understand/like/care for me.'
I hope your DD's friend is who you think she is.

blackteasplease · 27/03/2018 15:35

I've read it all and agree with others who say they sound awful and controlling and you sound lovely to take her in.

Just 're the last update, while it's good she has contraception sorted, forcing someone to have the implant (if they didn't want to or weren't sure) sounds abusive in itself. What happened to just educating her?

Bluelady · 27/03/2018 15:45

You're an amazing person, OP. The parents' rules are barking. As pps have said, your house, your rules.

teaandtoast · 27/03/2018 15:48

She sounds like she was horrible to her Mum.

Bluelady · 27/03/2018 16:06

Why do you think she was horrible to her mum? All teenagers talk back, it's in the job description.

Travis1 · 27/03/2018 16:10

teaandtoast I'd be horrible to someone wanting hourly check ins, to monitor my mileage and receipts for anything I spent on myself. Especially when the girl in question has a job and is earning her own money. Ask for digs by all means but receipts? Fuck Off!

teaandtoast · 27/03/2018 16:19

I won’t tolerate her showing me the same attitude she shows her Mum - tells me she was horrible to her Mum.

Have you considered that the parents' rules are a reaction to how the teenager behaves and not the other way round?

Bluelady · 27/03/2018 16:25

The rules are crazy. Anyone subjected to those would rebel. OP has said she's perfectly reasonable, which doesn't sound as if she's brought this lunacy on herself.

crispsahoy · 27/03/2018 16:28

We took in my dniece over 3 years ago (dniece from now Dh's side, we had only moved in together properly 3months before) slightly different circumstances, in an argument dn said she was leaving and staying with uncle, her Mother said if she leaves she's not welcome back. She was 15.

Her mother refused any financial contributions due to feud with my dh so she had no say what happened in my house.

The only thing I sent her to her Mother for was consent to stay at her bf's when she was 16. That wasn't my call and they were getting on much better by then.

These parents seem batshit!! It's no wonder their relationship has broken down!!

hmcAsWas · 27/03/2018 16:31

I think you're awesome for giving her a home. Respect.

Clunj · 27/03/2018 16:32

I don’t blame her for being rude to her mother based on those rules, that must have been an awful environment to live in.

Well done for taking her in OP :)

abigailsnan · 27/03/2018 16:34

Back chatting from teenagers comes with the territory I'm afraid you just need to keep on top of it and demand respect.
I remember my eldest son at about 14/15 back chatting once and just by chance his dad was right behind him as he spoke to me !!
Hubby picked him up by the collar of his school blazer and sort of held him against the wall in the hall and very calmly said to him "If you are going to speak to your mother you speak as though you are speaking to The Queen Mother" enough said on the back chat it never happened again.
You are doing a fab thing OPs if your new "DD" is on a college course is she entitled to CB payments I am sure they are payable until youngsters in education are 18,thats what happened when one of my DGSs was in college its worth checking out.

TenancyTroublesAgain · 27/03/2018 16:53

What the FUCK is wrong with people? Those rules are nothing less than controlling and abusive.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/03/2018 17:01

Oh my goodness poor girl, no she is in your care now, so your rules, if they don't like it, they can come and get her.

Jux · 27/03/2018 17:34

What about Child Benefit? You should be getting hers now, but no idea how you would arrange it. (I think I just feel the injustice of her own parents getting it.)

PoisonousSmurf · 27/03/2018 17:39

Poor kid! No wonder she's had arguments with the parents. It's very kind of her to take her in and she sounds like she has her head screwed on.
Her parents on the other hand.....

Are BONKERS!!

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/03/2018 18:30

How are you going to support her financially OP
You already know how expensive teenager are.

Can you afford to support another person into adulthood?

Lethaldrizzle · 27/03/2018 18:34

Abigailsnan - that may have worked but sounds a bit threatening!