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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of you throw your teenager out you don’t dictate the rules

152 replies

MaitlandGirl · 27/03/2018 12:11

So our family of 5 has just become a family of 6 as one of DD2s friends (17 year old girl) has just moved in. Her parents threw her out after one too many disagreements (fault on both sides) and her parents have tried to dictate to me the rules she needs to have in our house.

We’ve already told her she’ll have to follow the (I think very reasonable) rules of the house and that we’ll treat her exactly the same as the other three.

She’s a good kid and we won’t have any problems (well no more than we have with ours) and we’re happy to have her here but her parents got my back up with their demands.

So, AIBU to think that if you throw your teenager out you don’t contact the people taking them in insisting that they follow your rules and treat their child different to your own?

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 27/03/2018 12:56

Obviously they can't enforce rules in your house but I don't think it's odd for them to try to discuss boundaries if they were throwing her out as a parenting strategy and you've undermined it.
I'm assuming despite the fact you think she's a lovely girl, they have had substantial issues as a family. I'm not sure positioning yourself as a more tolerant, substitute parent will be beneficial to the girl and her family in the long-term. It may be but without more information, it's impossible to say.

LexieLulu · 27/03/2018 12:57

Can I ask what her parents were suggesting? Jesus they sound overbearing and controlling

sausagedogsmakechipolatas · 27/03/2018 13:01

Throwing your 17 year old out isn’t a parenting strategy, it’s abdicating parental responsibility. And not always because the teenager in question is troublesome either.

OP, you’re doing a lovely thing - as someone who was out on their arse at 17 with no help available, dare I say you might just have changed this persons life.

Original poster
MaitlandGirl · 27/03/2018 13:01

SleepFreeZone I did wonder about that but when her parents contacted me they were very clear that she had to leave regardless of whether we took her in.

HollyBayTree she’s self financing (through student support and part time wages) and we’ve already had the discussion about her financial contribution to the house. I want to try and encourage her to be independent in terms of finances and help her work out a budget and how to save as she’s really no idea about how to manage her money.

They wanted me to enforce a ridiculously early curfew, ensure she does not see her new boyfriend (who they said is a really nice boy but she’s too young to have a bf), make sure she’s up by 7am regardless of her days activities and that she checks in with them on SnapChat map every hour during the day, that I record the mileage on her car before and every trip to make sure that she’s only been where she said she was going and that she produces receipts for everything she spends her money on and doesn’t spend more than $10 a week on herself.

She will have a curfew (as do our three), she’ll have to text me when she’s leaving wherever she’s been so I know when to expect her home (we’re rural and I want to make sure she’s safe on the way home), and I’ll help her set up a savings account and encourage good saving habits.

I’m not going to make a judgement on her boyfriend until I’ve met him and there’s no way I’m dragging a reluctant teenager out of bed at 7am on a Sunday!

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 27/03/2018 13:03

Fucking hell poor girl. What on earth was the ‘crime’ she was thrown out for?

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 13:03

YANBU at all. Cheeky buggers.

kelper · 27/03/2018 13:03

We've got two extra teenagers here. Never heard a peep from either of the parents.
Those rules sound absolutely insane, no wonder there was a clash. Poor girl, glad she had you to turn to OP.

UpSideDownBrain · 27/03/2018 13:04

Throw their daughter out and then think they still control her (and you) from a distance? Tell them to get lost.
Your house, your rules.

JessicaJonesJacket · 27/03/2018 13:05

It does depend what happened. There are lots of issues where the parents could have tried to impose reasonable rules that a teen rebels against eg want her to stay at college, respect a curfew, not drink vodka all night in the park, etc. If OP's view is the girl is old enough to make her own decisions on those issues then I can see why the parents would be concerned. Parents don't usually throw a child out lightly.

GreenShadow · 27/03/2018 13:05

Well done for taking her in. Poor kid. What would have happened if you didn't step in?

Of course you are right, but at the same time they do know her better than you and it is always possible there may be reasons behind some one their rules. What kind of thing are they?

OohMavis · 27/03/2018 13:05

Fucking hell that's ridiculous Shock

QuiteLikely5 · 27/03/2018 13:05

No no and no

I’ve read your update

They have unrealistic expectations of this young girl so I am not surprised she has left!

The sad thing is that they will always be her family but seem toxic. The future doesn’t look rosy

OhCalamity · 27/03/2018 13:06

Fuck that. Your house, your rules. How would even enforcing those draconian rules on one person work in a house that operates differently.

No wonder she moved out.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 27/03/2018 13:07

I'd say until they are willing to have a reasonable conversation as adults that you don't wish for any further contact with them.

No wonder the poor girl has had enough!

It's the ultimate control and clearly state you won't be doing any of that. If they wish to start paying you for their minor's upkeep then possibly we can discuss, but this is not childcare. You're taking in their abandoned kid.

YellowFlower201 · 27/03/2018 13:08

They sound batshit crazy. If they don't want her living with them they will have to accept that they have no control over what she does.
Don't engage. They are trying to control her and will try and control you if you let them.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/03/2018 13:10

Tell them to do one, your house your rules. They forfited their rights when they kicked her out.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 27/03/2018 13:10

Well they sound horribly controlling and infantalising towards their daughter, I'd say abusive.

Well done op and stick to your guns......their rules are fucking ridiculous.

I had a friend at acholl with parents lime that, she was miserable and sad, and when she eventually got away she got herself into all sorts of trouble, and got taken advantage of, because she was so ground down and naive she didn't have the tools.

She nearly ended up a smack addict at one point.

I have no idea why parents with these sorts of insane controlling riles think they somehow prevent usual teen stuff, ime it makes it worse.

diddl · 27/03/2018 13:11

Wow!

Just wtf!

Thought my dad was strict when I was a kid in the 60s/70s-he wanted to know where I was going/who with & roughly what time I'd be back.
(He got major eyerolls for being so interferring!)

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 27/03/2018 13:12

I mean this......

that she checks in with them on SnapChat map every hour during the day, that I record the mileage on her car before and every trip to make sure that she’s only been where she said she was going and that she produces receipts for everything she spends her money on and doesn’t spend more than $10 a week on herself

is fucking awful. Shock

Really really abusive and controlling.

Wonder why she wants to get away?? Hmm

Makingdinner · 27/03/2018 13:13

crikey I am not surprised she wanted to move out! they sound incredibly controlling. you sound great op!

metalmum15 · 27/03/2018 13:13

Jesus. Have they realised she's 17, not 7? She'll never want to go home after a few weeks at your house. I hope they don't have younger children. Controlling and domineering.

tiggytape · 27/03/2018 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 27/03/2018 13:14

Plus with shit like that are possibly leading her into a life of incredibly abusive and controlling relationships.

Mind you parents like that would probably be pleased she was controlled and abused and "safely" under the thumb. Ffs. Angry

Trinity66 · 27/03/2018 13:16

wow those rules, i can see why she fell out with them

peacheachpearplum · 27/03/2018 13:18

Having read their rules I wonder why caused the disagreements?