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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of you throw your teenager out you don’t dictate the rules

152 replies

MaitlandGirl · 27/03/2018 12:11

So our family of 5 has just become a family of 6 as one of DD2s friends (17 year old girl) has just moved in. Her parents threw her out after one too many disagreements (fault on both sides) and her parents have tried to dictate to me the rules she needs to have in our house.

We’ve already told her she’ll have to follow the (I think very reasonable) rules of the house and that we’ll treat her exactly the same as the other three.

She’s a good kid and we won’t have any problems (well no more than we have with ours) and we’re happy to have her here but her parents got my back up with their demands.

So, AIBU to think that if you throw your teenager out you don’t contact the people taking them in insisting that they follow your rules and treat their child different to your own?

OP posts:
gingergenius · 27/03/2018 13:18

Are those rules imposed as a result of something she's done or are they her standard house rules? They're draconian but if there is a back story to destructive behaviour it might at least explain why they are so strict. But regardless, your house, your rules. Gotta laugh at waking her up at 7am at the weekend! Who would do that to themselves????

SlothMama · 27/03/2018 13:20

Her parents sound like a nightmare, you are so kind to take her in OP

Missingstreetlife · 27/03/2018 13:21

Hope someone has had contraception talk, don't want any repercussions while under your roof!

colditz · 27/03/2018 13:22

Christ I don't treat my 11 year old like that. no wonder she's nice to live with, she's probably terrified of being sent back!

TELL THE PARENTS TO DO ONE!

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 27/03/2018 13:23

They're draconian but if there is a back story to destructive behaviour it might at least explain why they are so strict.

I'm getting out my crystal ball to try to decide if they are (a) religious (b) religious (c) religious or (d) religious. Or it's possible they might be (e) religious. I suppose there's always the wild-card of (f) religious or (g) religious.

Why do they want the curfew, the ban on the boy and the hourly checkins and odometer readings? Virginity. Which points towards the wildcard option of (h) religious or possibly (i) religious.

YimminiYoudar · 27/03/2018 13:24

Yanbu at all. If they were paying you her keep they might have some say, but if those were the rules they wanted then that would be a "nope, keep your money" from me.

colditz · 27/03/2018 13:24

Oh yeah make sure she understands sex, IME American parents who behave like that don't like their daughters to know they have a vagina so you might need to have The Talk to make sure she fully understands fertility,and also arrange contraception.

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/03/2018 13:25

I have been on both sides of this.
Took in a very young person who couldn't live at home. I would have welcomed parental input but they didn't bother to get in touch let alone thank me for caring for their child entirely at my own expense and help them get the legal status they needed in order for the state to take responsibility for them.
Also had a hell of a time with one of my DCs and I was not helped by well meaning adults who thought they were a poor dear little thing with awful parents and needed a bit of TLC.
That kind of attitude put DC at risk and made our job so much harder.
We would put rules in place for DC's safety and refuse to give them money to fund their risky behaviour only to find that a sympathetic adult had funded them. Funded them but left us to sort out the monumental fall out.

Things are not always black and white. Different participants have different versions of events.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 27/03/2018 13:27

@CuboidalSlipshoddy Grin

It shouldn't have cos it's a sad subject but that made me lol.

gillybeanz · 27/03/2018 13:31

I think you should tell them that as they threw her out they can't dictate how she lives her life anymore.
You have your own rules that are different to them nd whilst she's at your house those are the rules she will be encouraged to follow.
Then tell the girl she doesn't have to get up at 7am and you won't be tracking her, spying, or expecting her to send her parents hourly updates.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 27/03/2018 13:31

MrsDV I know what you mean.
And yes sometimes strict rules are needed in that situation.

BUT.......
I think the clincher in favour of the DD is the "must get up at 7am at all times and in all circumstances" rule.

Even if your teen is the biggest shit on earth....they should still be able to have the odd lie in, right?

Who imposes that kind of rule?

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 27/03/2018 13:33

And who in their right mind expects an adult to give up their lie in to facilitate such a thing?

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/03/2018 13:35

I agree with you there Lana.
In fact, the shitter they are the longer I would leave them in bed.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 27/03/2018 13:41

MrsDV Grin

Having been that teen I can say with 100% certainty that being in bed was literally the safest thing I could be doing!

Can't go to raves, score drugs or get so drunk the police bring you home when you're snoring in bed! Wink

Eveforever · 27/03/2018 13:44

Some of their rules are very strange and controlling, regardless though, your house, your rules. Apart from trying to impose their rules upon your household, are they offering any support to you, the most likely being financial? Out of interest, what is the strangely early curfew time they are suggesting? They obviously seem to think she's been going off on some nefarious business, any reason to think their suspicions are justified?

BlackeyedSusan · 27/03/2018 13:44

omg. those rules!

SomeKnobend · 27/03/2018 13:45

I hope you told them to sod off op. Did they offer you babysitting money for your services?!

Melamin · 27/03/2018 13:46

Someone I know had trouble with this when her daughter came back from uni, and she let the bf stay because his father wouldn't have him at home because he had no job. Then the father started ringing up to say how she should treat him to make sure he got a job Hmm

The whole thing seems to be about control.

exWifebeginsat40 · 27/03/2018 13:47

just after my 17th birthday my parents informed me that they were moving to another county, and that i wasn’t invited. my boyfriend’s family took me in.

it didn’t work out well. i was so confused and unhappy (even though life at ‘home’ had been intolerable) that i ended up skipping out on them with a 23 year old man, who kept me in a terrible, abusive relationship for a couple of years.

so. just... be aware that this upheaval plus her parents’ refusal to let her live her own life, still, might cause some difficult behaviours.

you are awesome for doing this, OP. i’m 45 now and my life has been difficult. i have never had any sense of self-worth, because i was basically put out on the doorstep with a bag of clothes and a box of miscellaneous ‘stuff’. i have about 4 photos of me as a child, my birth certificate and that’s it.

hoping this works out for all of you.

Travis1 · 27/03/2018 13:50

I would actually clobber anyone who tried to drag me out of my bed at 7am on a Sunday and my husband would get short shrift if he tried to monitor my mileage. I'm actually incredulous that they think these rules are acceptable! I'd honestly be encouraging the young girl to cut contact with the pair of fucking douche canoes.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2018 13:50

Christ, she must be so grateful you have taken her in, they sound so controlling!!

My BF's family took me in temporarily when I was booted out in the middle of my A level exams (the actual exams). I was so, so, so, grateful. Still see them regularly now (am in my mid 40s) and have always considered them to be part of my family.

sashh · 27/03/2018 13:52

You sound fantastic OP.

Those parents sound like my mum. We get on better since she died.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/03/2018 13:56

I feel very very sorry for her and am glad she has you to turn to.
I'm also very very sorry that you are being harassed by her parents - who on earth do they think they are, trying to bully YOU into abiding by their crazy demands? And they ARE crazy - so over-controlling! Shock

I hope that they wake up to themselves before they completely trash their relationship with their daughter. :(

MrsMozart · 27/03/2018 14:03

Bloody hell. The parents are barking.

So glad she had someone to turn to.

ilovekitkats · 27/03/2018 14:03

Their list of rules is shocking for somebody of that age and very controlling. I would imagine that she has lied to them about her movements etc, but then she would if they were watching her every move! I know I lied to my parents as a teenager, so that they didn't know what I had been up to! Grin. It would be a slightly different story if she was out doing drugs and they were trying to keep her off them, but even so, they want to monitor her every move.

You are doing a lovely thing, and I agree, your house your rules. She has left their house and their rules and no wonder.

Hopefully it won't be long before she turns 18? and then can have full control over her own life.