To go on holiday even though one child can't come....

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This is my second post on here tonight.....

4 dcs between me and dh. I have 2 dcs, he has 2 also.

We have recently come in to a small amount of money last week and decided to book a last minute break before our baby arrives. I'm currently pregnant. Before we mentioned booking anything, we cleared it with dhs ex's. They were both fine, no problems, have a lovely time etc etc. Eldest dc is a teenager, youngest is 4. 2 separate mothers.

We had absolutely no idea but the eldest one is going on the exact holiday we are booking in 3 weeks time however it was still fine for her to come with us - it's a popular uk resort.

All planned to book it. Eldest dcs mother rings tonight and has now changed her mind, she cannot come with us as she's decided it's too much time off school.

What do we do? Book to go anyway but without her? The ex has already said she will not be impressed if we book without her dd and we should look at going another week. However:

1. If she cannot miss school time (which I understand but I wish she would of bloody said this yesterday instead of saying yes and then changing her mind) then we can't go. We can't afford to go in school holidays. It's an extra £1000+

1. Dh can only have this week off as it's last minute. So if we don't go that week, we can't go at all. All other weeks are booked up where he works.

Dhs dd knows about the holiday as we told her thinking it was all ok for us to go. Now she's in tears at the fact we are going without her.

During a FaceTime tonight between dh and his dd, the ex had the cheek to sit on her lap top looking at different dates for us all to go and saying 'oh if you go Friday to Monday, it's only an extra £300'. With dsd saying 'yeah just book that and I can come' However we can't afford that! And we have the dates and this is the only time we can go.

Weve even has dsd ringing dh later and saying 'dad can't we just go in half term? It's an extra £1000 but it means I can go, can't you just pay it?'

This has turned into a mess. What do we do? Not go? There's 3 other kids to consider, we want them to have a holiday. But we don't want the upset at all. I'm absolutely fuming at how it's all turned out if I'm honest. We so wanted dsd to come and it was all sorted it. We were literally waiting to get my dcs in bed tonight and then were booking it. Dh is gutted that dsd cant come but he doesn't want the rest of us to miss out on a holiday because of this situation. Is he right? I don't know. I desperately want to go, I want to take my dcs away as it will be the last time for a couple of years. Maybe longer. It's not often we can afford to go away.

Also to mention again, dsd is doing the exact holiday in 3 weeks time with her mum. So dh suggested doing a separate weekend with her. Dh would take her somewhere special just the 2 of them. But obviously he ex chipped in and said 'listen if you go away without dd then I'm sorry but that's just not fair'.

Are we unreasonable to go? This is the last time we can go before our baby arrives. With the budget we have, school holidays to this certain place is just a no no. The price triples. To go the week we want is £449. To go school holidays it's £1369.

Tbh what annoyed me is when we told dad about us all going on holiday yesterday her reaction was 'but I'm already going there with mum, can't we go somewhere different?' As mentioned, we had no idea she was going but told her no, this is where we are going and that's that. She went into a sulk and said she wasn't even sure she wanted to go anyway.

Even if dh can change his dates, it would make no difference as dsd can't miss school - which I understand. But we only have a small amount of money to go and schoo holidays is just not an option.

What would you do? Go on the holiday but be made to feel like utter s**t or not go at all but then everyone misses out?

Hope this post makes sense....sorry if I'm not being clear enough.....

Your DSD is going anyway with her DM in 3 weeks' time, so it's not like she isn't going - she's just being greedy by wanting to go twice

Jesus wept. She couldn’t possibly want to be a part of her father’s family, and be treated as such, could she?

I think you've made the right decision - I hope you have a lovely time! I agree with pastabake about putting the whole thing back on ex, who is the one who created this problem, and with Unihorn about primary school children going away in term-time - an long-time teacher friend of mine, albeit retired for 10 years now, believes that taking children out of school for a holiday is an education in itself and the only time children musn't be taken out of school for holidays is during GCSE/A level years. It's an unpopular belief in Britain nowadays, but I'm inclined to agree.

*a not an, where did that n come from?

I know it's going to sound a bit sanctimonious but I don't think any of you should be taking kids out of school for a week. You risk a fine do you know that?

It was only on Friday we even thought about going as we found out about this money we've been waiting on. Sunday night we were pretty ecstatic to be honest as nothing is ever plain sailing as far as arranging things when so many dcs involved. so it all seemed to good to be true for us. Unfortunately it was.

I'm not having anyone saying I am not a good step mother. Because I do my best. There's a lot of stuff I've done which a lot wouldn't class as my job as a step mother. I've had people say I'm taken advantage of. But I do it because my dh goes to work and works bloody hard for my dcs. He earns, I don't. I can't due to my son but I give everything I can to my sdcs to make up for it. That's how our family works. Not that this has anything to do with it but I don't appreciate being told I don't class dsd as my own. I do, I'm just not her actual mother.

We haven't brought this on ourselves. As already mentioned, we never actually expected to go due to dsd. We were fully prepared it would be a no. We never thought her mother would say yes, we never thought she would agree to missing school. We had no idea she was already going on the exact holiday as dh wasn't told - just shows lack of communication there as dh had no idea he was missing a weekend of his time with dd, they are going for a full week.

We have tried to compromise by saying dh will take dd away for some time just the 2 of them which dd has been saying she wants for quite some time. We haven't just been like 'see ya then, we're off' and not been bothered that she can't come. There's not much else we can do except not go which lets down the other 3 dcs. Meanwhile the ex and dsd go on their holiday and we get nothing. That's not fair on the 3 very excited dcs now cannot wait to go. Other dsc rang this morning to ask how many sleeps it was until we go. We can't turn round and say 'well actually were not going now'.

That's the end to it now. Thanks for supportive comments x

@dustyparadeground fines don't apply to 3 out of 4 children as already explained.

Iv had this exact situation and its horrible! my now xdh had a teenager with an xp and we got permission to take him on holiday, first week of the school break (was the cheapest out of them all) and were booking it on pay day. Day before pay day she lets us know that we will have to book a different week because she has booked that week for them to go away! We ended up having to pay nearly double to change it, and she did all the same things right down to making him pick before my xdh caved in, was disgusting and being in the same position as you I felt it wasn't my place to say. I ended up having to foot the bill and there's no way I would do it again. You have done everything you could to be accommodating, the daughter will be aware it was already agreed then her mother changed her mind, nothing else you can do other than go and enjoy your holiday! I think its sweet that her Dad is taking her away for a weekend before the baby comes too! have a great time and all the best with your new baby x

Just go, she and her mum need to learn the world doesn't revolve around them.

"I'm sorry dsd, your mother said you could come, so we booked it. Now your mother says you can't come. We can't change our booking, because we can't afford it. So either you come in that week, or we'll just have to go on holiday together some other time."

She's 13. She needs to hear the facts of life.

The separate holidays sounds like a great plan. I’d point out that his daughter would be bored during a lot of the activities that the younger ones would enjoy and love the undivided attention of her Dad. Could he have a few ideas of where they might go/what they might do to help her get excited about the alternative?

His ex is being unreasonable. I would tell your DH to let her know you will be going on holiday then and if she dares say one word about his daughter missing out, you might be tempted to oppose her holiday by applying for a prohibited steps order. After all, if you shouldn’t be taking her out of school then neither should she!

Perhaps your child’s disabilities would make this difficult (and being pregnant might make this an option for another time anyway) but camping is a really cheap holiday even during high season. Once you have made the initial outlay for equipment then it is really cheap. It might be an option that makes holidays more affordable plus you can just go for a weekend during the term if you need to avoid busy times and places. When my son was younger we couldn’t have holidayed during the summer as he wouldn’t have coped with all the noise and people.

It's very tricky! Don't envy you being in that situation. To be honest, I think if it were me I would definitely try to find a time they could all go together, and I wouldn't want them taking time out of school so would stump up the extra cost (rip off such as it is!). If you go without her she may never let you forget it and feel quite hurt.

I would normally say you all go or none of you do but I can't understand the mum thinking its ok to say yes then no, her bloody cheek and looking up different priced holiday dates and she is taking the child out of school herself already.

I think a separate weekend for the daughter is a good idea but the ex is not to spoil a family holiday because she keeps changing her mind.

It also sounds to me like the ex know too much about your plans - try to keep a bit distant in future. How does she know what hotel or who the booking is made through? lesson learner maybe?

Just go, she and her mum need to learn the world doesn't revolve around them.

She's 13, and doesn't live with her dad, who went on to father a further four children after her. I think she probably is already well aware that she's not exactly his sole priority - which is why this is going to hurt.

Sorry, but when all the relevant adults in a child's life, are openly countenancing holidays in school term time, it doesn't exactly give a very good message. Financial constraints or not, it is not setting a good example, and tends to follow through in life. That's just been my observation, and I've always been a bit of a stickler for making sure my children understand the importance of respecting rules. Not least when those rules are in their own best interests!
Sorry, not much help I know, and I appreciate it's a dilemma, but neither parent should have planted the notion of a week off during school.

RTFT before you comment.......🙄🙄🙄

OP you have made the points very clearly but people are so lazy in just writing a comment at the end despite it being covered several times.

I'm glad you are going to go. It's a shame for dsd but absolutely wouldn't be fair for the other three to miss out.

You could always suggest to her mum that she cancel her own holiday (and re-book in the summer for an extra £1000) if dsd is so keen to come with you. Then she'd only miss one week of school...

I wonder if DSD's mother ever considered discussing her plan to take DSD on a term-time holiday with her father.

She's 13, and doesn't live with her dad, who went on to father a further four children after her. I think she probably is already well aware that she's not exactly his sole priority - which is why this is going to hurt.

It's going to hurt but it's not her dad's or the op's fault. It's her mum's. She's the one who's chopping and changing saying yes she can go no she can't go. There are 3 other children to think about and her mum doesn't get to make decisions that affect those children too.

OP if it were me, I wouldn't go for a few reasons. The term time holiday and missing school, DSD being unable to go, but more so for me - money. You say it will take several months to save a further few hundred to put towards the hol so money is obviously extremely tight. If I was in that pickle there is no way I would go on holiday, I would save that money and instead just go away for one night or a lovely day trip.

We have been to the resort you presumably mean (I do wonder at you saying that naming it would 'out' you despite all the minute detail you have already given!) and it really isn't worth the money imo. You lose the first and last day really due to check in and check out times, really you only get three full days. Check in takes ages, you queue up for a long time then unpacking, moving the car back to the carpark and then walking back to the lodge takes up most of the first day. If you want to do any activities then it will add a lot more to your budget, as will meals - that is a fair bit of money you could put away for emergencies.

For me - schooling, having a bit of savings and not upsetting DSD would be more than enough reason to miss out on a few days away.

However it is not me, and if you decide to go, then have a fabulous time and good luck with everything

Why didn't your DH know about the term time holiday with her Mum? Given that he can be fined for it I'd be going pretty nuts about the lack of consultation on that to be honest.

@lostherenow no idea, not even dsd mentioned it. First time was on the Sunday when we told her where we were going. The ex told dh in the initial phone call, she basically said 'oh we are going there in 3 weeks but it's fine for you to take her too. Have a great time etc etc' They go on holiday every year, always in term time for 7 days. We just assumed that as nothing had been mentioned, they weren't going this year. She also never informed dh of when she decided to pull dsd out of school and move her 45 mins away. It was dsd that broke that news literally a week (maybe 2, can't remember) before they left. She had been to look round her new school and everything. I have no idea what her deal is. As mentioned, she will invite us to things from time to time and so will her extended family. It's all very strange. I just think she doesn't involve dh in anything as in her head, he's not important. She has her family with her dh and 3 dcs. As long as they 5 of them are happy, that's all she's bothered about. Just makes it tricky for us from time to time!

Given that both your DH and you could technically be fined for DSD's term-time holidays I'd be absolutely furious at that lack of communication.

the ex sound slike a stirrer and out to cause t5rouble

moving her away without saying anything?

glad youre going dont feel guilty hav e a good time

Go. Why disappoint five people? There's only one person winning here now, the one who said she could go, changed her mind and has now dropped a shitty pile in your lap. Either she gets to upset your plans and costs you a considerable amount of money or she gets to say "look, they don't care enough". Nice way to treat your kid.

And, perhaps I made it up, but didn't you say if she misses out on this trip dsd is getting a one on one trip away with her dad later in the year? So obviously he bloody does care!!

Well, no, you don’t consider her your own or you wouldn’t consider leaving her behind. You sure as hell aren’t leaving your own behind, are you?

My mum went on holiday with my siblings in my gcse year, and left me behind with relatives. Holiday was arranged, then i had a key piece of work to be done so i stayed.

Sometimes you can’t accommodate everyone.

Friends of ours went to the carribean last easter. Booked it before they knew their 13 year old had an important event. The 13 year old stayed for the event.