To go on holiday even though one child can't come....

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This is my second post on here tonight.....

4 dcs between me and dh. I have 2 dcs, he has 2 also.

We have recently come in to a small amount of money last week and decided to book a last minute break before our baby arrives. I'm currently pregnant. Before we mentioned booking anything, we cleared it with dhs ex's. They were both fine, no problems, have a lovely time etc etc. Eldest dc is a teenager, youngest is 4. 2 separate mothers.

We had absolutely no idea but the eldest one is going on the exact holiday we are booking in 3 weeks time however it was still fine for her to come with us - it's a popular uk resort.

All planned to book it. Eldest dcs mother rings tonight and has now changed her mind, she cannot come with us as she's decided it's too much time off school.

What do we do? Book to go anyway but without her? The ex has already said she will not be impressed if we book without her dd and we should look at going another week. However:

1. If she cannot miss school time (which I understand but I wish she would of bloody said this yesterday instead of saying yes and then changing her mind) then we can't go. We can't afford to go in school holidays. It's an extra £1000+

1. Dh can only have this week off as it's last minute. So if we don't go that week, we can't go at all. All other weeks are booked up where he works.

Dhs dd knows about the holiday as we told her thinking it was all ok for us to go. Now she's in tears at the fact we are going without her.

During a FaceTime tonight between dh and his dd, the ex had the cheek to sit on her lap top looking at different dates for us all to go and saying 'oh if you go Friday to Monday, it's only an extra £300'. With dsd saying 'yeah just book that and I can come' However we can't afford that! And we have the dates and this is the only time we can go.

Weve even has dsd ringing dh later and saying 'dad can't we just go in half term? It's an extra £1000 but it means I can go, can't you just pay it?'

This has turned into a mess. What do we do? Not go? There's 3 other kids to consider, we want them to have a holiday. But we don't want the upset at all. I'm absolutely fuming at how it's all turned out if I'm honest. We so wanted dsd to come and it was all sorted it. We were literally waiting to get my dcs in bed tonight and then were booking it. Dh is gutted that dsd cant come but he doesn't want the rest of us to miss out on a holiday because of this situation. Is he right? I don't know. I desperately want to go, I want to take my dcs away as it will be the last time for a couple of years. Maybe longer. It's not often we can afford to go away.

Also to mention again, dsd is doing the exact holiday in 3 weeks time with her mum. So dh suggested doing a separate weekend with her. Dh would take her somewhere special just the 2 of them. But obviously he ex chipped in and said 'listen if you go away without dd then I'm sorry but that's just not fair'.

Are we unreasonable to go? This is the last time we can go before our baby arrives. With the budget we have, school holidays to this certain place is just a no no. The price triples. To go the week we want is £449. To go school holidays it's £1369.

Tbh what annoyed me is when we told dad about us all going on holiday yesterday her reaction was 'but I'm already going there with mum, can't we go somewhere different?' As mentioned, we had no idea she was going but told her no, this is where we are going and that's that. She went into a sulk and said she wasn't even sure she wanted to go anyway.

Even if dh can change his dates, it would make no difference as dsd can't miss school - which I understand. But we only have a small amount of money to go and schoo holidays is just not an option.

What would you do? Go on the holiday but be made to feel like utter s**t or not go at all but then everyone misses out?

Hope this post makes sense....sorry if I'm not being clear enough.....

Definitely go.

Your dsd is going to be having a holiday regardless and your other children should have one too.

Ultimately, it’s the only time your dh can get off work so there’s your answer.

Go and enjoy yourselves.

I would go OP

It all reads to me as if the ex is just stirring.

I would go. Only change dates if the ex will pay the additional money

op even if only 3 children go that’s a possible £360 in fines. Can you afford that?

I don't agree with kids being taken out of school for holidays.

I'm in the "tell her straight" camp too - "DD, we can only afford to go in term time and more importantly, I can't get the time off work to go at half term. Your mum says you can only miss 1 week of school, so it's not possible to come with us as we can only go this particular week. If your mum would move her trip with you to school holidays, you can come with us. You can only miss one week, it's with us or your mum and we can't move our week. We do it that week or not at all. Do you think it's fair the younger ones don't get to go at all because you already have a week off school booked so can't go twice? Perhaps your mum could move her week to match ours and you can split your time between the two cabins..."

@AuntLydia we get on ok, at times she can be very nice. She came to our wedding and at times invites us all round for family things like bbqs. She's gone on to have 2 dcs since dsd.

However it mostly very much on her terms. She won't drop off or pick us dsd which is at times frustrating as they moved about 45 min drive not too long ago and she still won't offer to do half way. Dh pays the maintenance he should along with extra for school things and also her phone bill but sometimes she will moan it's not enough. She's not a jealous ex in that she's bitter towards dh and myself, they ended over 10 years ago. But she's very 'up herself' and thinks she's better than everyone. BUT I've never really had a bad word to say about her, they are usually amicable. If anything, the other ex - mother of dhs younger child - is the one that's hard work.

Does it cost any more when you book ,to include step daughter? If it's a self catering,it may not...personally I'd book the holiday ,as agreed. And tell step daughter it's booked,she's got a place ,and you want her to come..let the mother be the bad guy by saying no..your dh can ring her school to say it's the only week he has off,and it's important you go as a family with no one left out...(..however I've had 4 kids go through the education system ,we are permanently broke ,but we've never took them out of school to holiday...we camped and caravans.but that aside.)i hope you go,and have a lovely time.you sound like a very caring step mum...mine was a horror,so I know how important a nice step mum is x

I'd go without her. She's going on another holiday with her mum and dad can take her for a weekend away.

You have a disabled child and one parent who can only get this one week off. So, while I don’t agree with taking children out of school, I think you have extenuating circumstances, plus you have cleared it with your DC’s school.

So, for you with your DC, it sounds like a necessary break.

The rest of the dynamics then get difficult. All I can say as a mother of a teenager with half-siblings, if her dad’s family were going to somewhere she was already going in term-time, then I would be suggesting to DD to make peace with that. I think she would be disappointed it was not somewhere she could go too, but that is part of growing up. The suggestion of doing something special with DSD1 in late summer is a good one.

Blended families are hard work and there can be a lot of pressure to be inclusive and like a traditional family, but that -in my experience- is simply not possible. You end up going on holiday in very specific times with lots of to-being and fro-ing, and to be honest, I did at times take my own DC away. We are no longer together and letting go of the idea that the step-siblings were and should be treated like a family was the hardest part. You can only do so much to facilitate a relationship and it should not be at the expense of your own well-being.

It is perfectly reasonable to have a holiday in your circumstances, with your DC, and with the DSDs if they can come. If your blended family is going to work, I think you will need a bit of a harder shell to take the flack, otherwise you will end up exhausted. You need a break, take it. I would say the same to DD’s stepmother. She really needs a break. I would not never standing in her way.

@Skarossinkplunger please read the below regarding fines. Doesn't apply to us. Youngest isn't in school, we have authority by the head teacher to go in my dcs school as one child is disabled and it counts as exceptional circumstances. They are other reasons as to why we need this holiday due to my disabled child but I'm not prepared to go into it on here. Fines don't apply to 3 of the dcs. Not that any parent has ever been fined for taking dcs out to school anyway.

I would go without her, it’s rubbish but there isn’t much you can do about it.

My DH and DS (he’s not in full time school so can go in term time) are going to Disneyland Paris in a few weeks without DSC, my grandparents paid for it for a birthday present for me, if we changed the dates and went with the DSC in the holidays, it would cost £2k more and we just can’t afford it and I can’t expect my grandparents to pay for them as well they have v v little to do with the step kids

It’s a crappy situation

I can't believe that the ex did not say immediately on hearing of your plans, 'Oh we're going there already in 3 weeks time!' . That would be most people's first response.
Could she even have booked her holiday AFTER hearing about yours just to mess things up for you? Would explain also why she said she would contact school about DSD time off instead of your DH doing it - because she wanted to get in first.
Either way, she sounds very manipulative and you should definitely go regardless & enjoy your holiday

Oh if the school has authorised it then go!

But parents have absolutely been fined for term time holidays.

If the school has authorised it I would book and go.
It's a shame but I wouldn't make everyone miss out especially if your partner takes his dd away some other time just them, sounds a good compromise.

You should go, get it booked today. Not ideal but the right thing to do is what's right for the majority of the kids. Enjoy and don't feel guilty!

I think both your ex and DSD's Mum are being U.

There's not a chance in hell I'd book a holiday that my older 2 couldn't miss school for/or would be at their Dad's for just me, DP and DD3 to save money. I'd rather go (and we do) cheap camping in the summer.

But DSD's Mum shouldn't be fucking you about either.

So she is taking her dd out of school for the holiday, but saying you can’t?

Place it back on her doorstep. Tell sd of course you’d love her to come, but ex is saying she has to choose which one she goes on, as she can only have time off school for one.

As usual i am interested in the responses here. Usually if a nrp dares suggest going on holiday without his child, the unanimous reply is if he can’t take them, he shouldn’t go. The child is part of the family- it’s no different to leaving a resident child behind.

If she cannot miss school time (which I understand but I wish she would of bloody said this yesterday instead of saying yes and then changing her mind)

So what was your plan if ex had said "no" (which you say later you fully expected her to?) Surely you just do that?

Wait a while and book for the school holidays, you have a dsd at school, you shouldn't have even been considering going during term time.

That's a horrible situation to be in. The ex is clearly playing games over this, saying yes and then saying no. It looks as if she's also manipulating you and engaging in emotional blackmail.

It sounds like your ex has suggested a good compromise, though, him taking his DD on a holiday for just the two of them at another date. You should still go, I think.

Personally DH and I wouldn't take our DDs on holidays during term time, and we have taken them on very nice caravan holidays in the UK during the summer. But having said that, I can see why you're doing it, definitely.

Go but your dh should set aside a weekend to take dsd somewhere, even if just overnight at a Premier Inn.

@RedSkyAtNight we wouldn't go. She didn't say no to start with. That's the point. Me and dh said, if either of his dcs cannot come, we wouldn't go. This is why he discreetly discussed with both mothers before any of the dcs knew about the holiday. They both said yes. We then told the dcs. Who were all excited except for dsd as she was already going with her mum but we knew this was just a typical teenage reaction and she would come round. If dsds mum would of said no at the start then that would of been that, we wouldn't be going.

But she didn't. Now we have 3 dcs who are excited to go, and one that's crying cos she can't.

Go. The older child already has a holiday booked to the same place with her mother, surely it would be unfair on the others if she went twice?

Why do people make it about the holiday itself rather than the quality time spent as a family? How many people saying just go anyway would be happy to be the person left behind if their immediate family decided they were taking a holiday? She can be as pragmatic as she possibly can and understand she’s getting a holiday anyway but it’s still going to hurt.

I would go. She has been invited so it is not as though you are excluding her. they initially said yes and have changed their minds. All the reasons you have put forward as to why you and the resat of the family should go when you booked are valid.

I have a blended his, mine and ours family. Not everyone can do everything at the same time. Sometime its just ours, sometimes mine and ours and sometimes his and ours. No-one gets in a strop - they realised they run different parallel lives.

She will have her turn at some point.