To go on holiday even though one child can't come....

[char187]

This is my second post on here tonight.....

4 dcs between me and dh. I have 2 dcs, he has 2 also.

We have recently come in to a small amount of money last week and decided to book a last minute break before our baby arrives. I'm currently pregnant. Before we mentioned booking anything, we cleared it with dhs ex's. They were both fine, no problems, have a lovely time etc etc. Eldest dc is a teenager, youngest is 4. 2 separate mothers.

We had absolutely no idea but the eldest one is going on the exact holiday we are booking in 3 weeks time however it was still fine for her to come with us - it's a popular uk resort.

All planned to book it. Eldest dcs mother rings tonight and has now changed her mind, she cannot come with us as she's decided it's too much time off school.

What do we do? Book to go anyway but without her? The ex has already said she will not be impressed if we book without her dd and we should look at going another week. However:

1. If she cannot miss school time (which I understand but I wish she would of bloody said this yesterday instead of saying yes and then changing her mind) then we can't go. We can't afford to go in school holidays. It's an extra £1000+

1. Dh can only have this week off as it's last minute. So if we don't go that week, we can't go at all. All other weeks are booked up where he works.

Dhs dd knows about the holiday as we told her thinking it was all ok for us to go. Now she's in tears at the fact we are going without her.

During a FaceTime tonight between dh and his dd, the ex had the cheek to sit on her lap top looking at different dates for us all to go and saying 'oh if you go Friday to Monday, it's only an extra £300'. With dsd saying 'yeah just book that and I can come' However we can't afford that! And we have the dates and this is the only time we can go.

Weve even has dsd ringing dh later and saying 'dad can't we just go in half term? It's an extra £1000 but it means I can go, can't you just pay it?'

This has turned into a mess. What do we do? Not go? There's 3 other kids to consider, we want them to have a holiday. But we don't want the upset at all. I'm absolutely fuming at how it's all turned out if I'm honest. We so wanted dsd to come and it was all sorted it. We were literally waiting to get my dcs in bed tonight and then were booking it. Dh is gutted that dsd cant come but he doesn't want the rest of us to miss out on a holiday because of this situation. Is he right? I don't know. I desperately want to go, I want to take my dcs away as it will be the last time for a couple of years. Maybe longer. It's not often we can afford to go away.

Also to mention again, dsd is doing the exact holiday in 3 weeks time with her mum. So dh suggested doing a separate weekend with her. Dh would take her somewhere special just the 2 of them. But obviously he ex chipped in and said 'listen if you go away without dd then I'm sorry but that's just not fair'.

Are we unreasonable to go? This is the last time we can go before our baby arrives. With the budget we have, school holidays to this certain place is just a no no. The price triples. To go the week we want is £449. To go school holidays it's £1369.

Tbh what annoyed me is when we told dad about us all going on holiday yesterday her reaction was 'but I'm already going there with mum, can't we go somewhere different?' As mentioned, we had no idea she was going but told her no, this is where we are going and that's that. She went into a sulk and said she wasn't even sure she wanted to go anyway.

Even if dh can change his dates, it would make no difference as dsd can't miss school - which I understand. But we only have a small amount of money to go and schoo holidays is just not an option.

What would you do? Go on the holiday but be made to feel like utter s**t or not go at all but then everyone misses out?

Hope this post makes sense....sorry if I'm not being clear enough.....

@Sofabitch totally disagree. Everyone has different opinions on school holidays in term time. In my situation with my dcs, it's very different when you have a disabled child. Other things need to be considered and tbh term time is the better option. Dcs school is in agreement with this.

However this was not the reason why we are booking the holiday. My son has nothing to do with it, I haven't taken my dcs away in years. Now we have a chance to go but only in certain times due to dhs work commitments and financially. My dcs missing 3 days of school isn't going to affect them whatsoever. It's going to create some amazing family memories and gives us a chance to spend some quality time together before baby arrives. This is my point of view for my dcs and my dcs only. I cannot comment on dsd as she is not my child. I understand secondary school is totally different which is why I never expected her to be able to go. To go in summer holidays is not an option even if it was cheaper due to the baby being due.

My dcs missing 3 days of school isn't going to affect them whatsoever. It's going to create some amazing family memories and gives us a chance to spend some quality time together before baby arrives

Your DSD is a part of that family. Again, it’s not about the location of the holiday or even the fact of the holiday, it’s about being left out of a major family event.

13 is old enough to understand the situation. Explain it straight, there's no point her mother looking at other weeks as your DH can't take the school holidays off, you need to go term time for disabled child. IF it's not this week, then it's not happening, there is no other week option. She comes or she doesn't. If it's a case she can't because she's going away in term time with her mum, then they need to explore if that holiday can be changed to school holidays - yours can't - or if the DSD can only go on one week away in term time and has 2 offers, she picks one.

Don't make the others miss out.

Shes not your child,...thats pretty much a shitty attitude. She is your dhs child whom you assumingly married and took on responsibility for. If a holiday doesnt fit your family then it doesnt fit.

You can only go out of term time due to your dsd commitment to school.

You have to find a compramise. If you havent been on holiday in years waiting a few months for a time suitable for everyone isn't exactlya big stretch.

There are of course comprise options you could book Mon-Fri and then Fri-Monday and dsd spend just the long weekend with you.

if the DSD can only go on one week away in term time and has 2 offers, she picks one

Yes, make her pick between spending quality time with either of her parents. That’s fair and reasonable.

The cynic in me suggests the Ex wants you to visit the place after her so you get the teenager saying "I did that already" to you not her.

I would still go as dsd is already going on holiday with her mum, is it the same place she’s going?

Just say it’s already booked as dsd’s mum originally said it was fine.

I have a 14 year old dd and there’s no way I would take her out during school time now as she about to start her first gcse year and has end of year exams. Maybe next time looking at a holiday in half term, we always manage to find something for a reasonable price, we are off on holiday next week in Easter time and it’s cost under £500, we also have a holiday booked in the summer holidays which has cost £380, if you shop around you can get good prices just not at the bigger places like centre parks or Butlins (hate these places anyway).

@ohreallyohreallyoh so now we let the other 3 dcs down because dsds mum has been a total b**ch to us? We have tried to clarify the situation the best we can.

Dh has just left for work but he said on his way out that he still feels 100% we have to go and reading everyone he's comments on here, I'm in total agreement. She's messed it up for us, no idea wether it was on purpose or not but I'm not letting our other 3 dcs miss out because she says we aren't allowed to go.

I would go.

You are in the same old state toon as millions of others who cannot afford a holiday in the school hols due to ridiculous price hikes.

Send a message:

We are booking this holiday by 5pm today. Let me know if it’s a yes or no. Thanks

That should suffice

It’s her rules stopping your family holiday and there’s no way I’d allow anyone to dictate to me about this sort of thing.

A holiday can be an education in itself

Many head teachers don’t actually mind the children going away anyway.

Oh, and I have 2 disabled children, yes it’s busier in school holidays but we cope or we find quieter places to go. Taking a 14 year old out of school is just not a good idea and you need to consider this whilst booking a holiday.

Just seen your update! Glad you’ve decided to go

Then you take your children away and deal with the fallout.

OP, you're always going to get people disagreeing about taking kids out of school for holidays. You're doing the right thing for your family. Stop letting people make you feel guilty, log off mumsnet and go and book your holiday! Enjoy, you all deserve the break

IT might be unfair, but frankly that's the situation - and it does sound like at the point the OP's DH spoke to his ex, there wasn't a week booked for the DSD and ex. The OP can't go in school holidays, so either the trip doesnt happen at all or it happens that week. If the only way is the DSD can go too is to not go on her Mums trip in term time, then that is an option available to her. Moving the OP's trip is not an option - moving the Mums might be.

13 is old enough to understand you can't do everything, and can't stop other people doing the options you rejected.

With the range of age groups, then it's not going to be a holiday where you spend all day together.

It was possible when the OP's DH spoke to his ex. If the goal posts have moved since with her having a term time holiday, then that's not his fault and a school holiday trip was never on offer.

She can go. Her mother is choosing not to let her go.

Tell her you have booked and that’s when you are going, it’s up to her whether she wants DD to go with you or not.

I’d put money on her having booked after you told her you were going.

She’s creating the issue, not you.

@Sofabitch you clearly haven't read this thread properly. I have said further down that I consider her to be my own. I do. I love her very much but I'm not having any dcs miss out because her own mother has made things difficult. I'm saying she's not my child as in I do NOT have a say in wether she can come on holiday or not. That is not up to me. Not my place to make those decisions. I love and care for her very much when she's here. I take her out and spend one on one time with her. I drive the 45 min drive to collect her when dh cant. I've even looked after her when she's been off school poorly at her mothers house. None of this is an issue to me. I do it because I am her step mother and I love her. But as far as decisions go. That is not my place.

The holiday on Sunday did 'fit' which led to telling the kids. The holiday yesterday now does not fit due to no fault of our own.

Please go.You cannot live your life this way, there are so many children involved that it won't be the last time this situation will arise with such a blended family. It's a shame your step daughter can't come but such is life. There will be other opportunities for her.

Thanks for supportive comments. Decision is made that we are still going and dh is taking dsd away in summer hols for a weekend just the 2 of them. Which I know she will very much enjoy whatever they do.

Thanks for all comments, appreciate both sides of things.

Char just go, don’t feel guilty but next time maybe consider the term time thing. We went on holiday several times with out the step children, we could only afford to take ours on a cheap uk holiday, the step kids were going abroad with their mother and her partner so compared to their holidays ours were pretty boring, I didn’t feel guilty not taking them, at the time our children were not at school and the step children were not allowed time off for us to take them (but their mother took them out to go abroad).

I’m sure DSd will be fine, she’s already going to the same place with her mum and it will probably be much better than her tagging along with several small children?

Maybe arrange to take her on a day trip somewhere to make up for it? I took my dsd to the theatre at that age (just me and her without the smaller ones) or maybe a theme park?

It wouldn't be fair on the other 3 children if you don't go. You're making the right decision to go It's not your fault that your sdd can't go.

I consider her to be my own. I do. I love her very much but I'm not having any dcs miss out because her own mother has made things difficult. I'm saying she's not my child as in I do NOT have a say in wether she can come on holiday or not

Well, no, you don’t consider her your own or you wouldn’t consider leaving her behind. You sure as hell aren’t leaving your own behind, are you?

I get the difficulty of the situation and understand the decision you have made but you still have a child receiving a message that they are not quite a part of the family.

She is part of the family, they want her to go on the holiday but it’s her mother who doesn’t want her to go. Pleased to hear you’re going. Enjoy 😊

This problem is if your own making. Don't book holidays in term time. Calling her mum a bitch doesn't help

You should go. Your DSD is going anyway with her DM in 3 weeks' time, so it's not like she isn't going - she's just being greedy by wanting to go twice.

Go. You and the other 3 DC have a right to a holiday and you have done your best to accommodate her, but on this occasion it hasn't worked out.

Glad you've decided to go ahead! I just can't get het up about 3 days off school at primary age.