To go on holiday even though one child can't come....

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This is my second post on here tonight.....

4 dcs between me and dh. I have 2 dcs, he has 2 also.

We have recently come in to a small amount of money last week and decided to book a last minute break before our baby arrives. I'm currently pregnant. Before we mentioned booking anything, we cleared it with dhs ex's. They were both fine, no problems, have a lovely time etc etc. Eldest dc is a teenager, youngest is 4. 2 separate mothers.

We had absolutely no idea but the eldest one is going on the exact holiday we are booking in 3 weeks time however it was still fine for her to come with us - it's a popular uk resort.

All planned to book it. Eldest dcs mother rings tonight and has now changed her mind, she cannot come with us as she's decided it's too much time off school.

What do we do? Book to go anyway but without her? The ex has already said she will not be impressed if we book without her dd and we should look at going another week. However:

1. If she cannot miss school time (which I understand but I wish she would of bloody said this yesterday instead of saying yes and then changing her mind) then we can't go. We can't afford to go in school holidays. It's an extra £1000+

1. Dh can only have this week off as it's last minute. So if we don't go that week, we can't go at all. All other weeks are booked up where he works.

Dhs dd knows about the holiday as we told her thinking it was all ok for us to go. Now she's in tears at the fact we are going without her.

During a FaceTime tonight between dh and his dd, the ex had the cheek to sit on her lap top looking at different dates for us all to go and saying 'oh if you go Friday to Monday, it's only an extra £300'. With dsd saying 'yeah just book that and I can come' However we can't afford that! And we have the dates and this is the only time we can go.

Weve even has dsd ringing dh later and saying 'dad can't we just go in half term? It's an extra £1000 but it means I can go, can't you just pay it?'

This has turned into a mess. What do we do? Not go? There's 3 other kids to consider, we want them to have a holiday. But we don't want the upset at all. I'm absolutely fuming at how it's all turned out if I'm honest. We so wanted dsd to come and it was all sorted it. We were literally waiting to get my dcs in bed tonight and then were booking it. Dh is gutted that dsd cant come but he doesn't want the rest of us to miss out on a holiday because of this situation. Is he right? I don't know. I desperately want to go, I want to take my dcs away as it will be the last time for a couple of years. Maybe longer. It's not often we can afford to go away.

Also to mention again, dsd is doing the exact holiday in 3 weeks time with her mum. So dh suggested doing a separate weekend with her. Dh would take her somewhere special just the 2 of them. But obviously he ex chipped in and said 'listen if you go away without dd then I'm sorry but that's just not fair'.

Are we unreasonable to go? This is the last time we can go before our baby arrives. With the budget we have, school holidays to this certain place is just a no no. The price triples. To go the week we want is £449. To go school holidays it's £1369.

Tbh what annoyed me is when we told dad about us all going on holiday yesterday her reaction was 'but I'm already going there with mum, can't we go somewhere different?' As mentioned, we had no idea she was going but told her no, this is where we are going and that's that. She went into a sulk and said she wasn't even sure she wanted to go anyway.

Even if dh can change his dates, it would make no difference as dsd can't miss school - which I understand. But we only have a small amount of money to go and schoo holidays is just not an option.

What would you do? Go on the holiday but be made to feel like utter s**t or not go at all but then everyone misses out?

Hope this post makes sense....sorry if I'm not being clear enough.....

I’d go without her to be honest. It’s unfair for the other children to miss out, especially if she is going already.

I'd go for the weekend then no missed school and everyone gets to go.

Go. Explain that dsd is welcome, but that this is the only week that works for you. If her mum gets upset that she is missing out, couldn’t she join you for a weekend?

Tbh, I have no issues with taking my dcs out of school however they will only be missing 3 days due to a training day and bank holiday. Some may disagree but we are not fortunate enough to be able to afford school holiday prices. They are primary school age though, secondary school i would think different.

Dsd is 13.

What's pissed me off most is we told all the dcs as there was no reason not too. Either way, we let 3 children down or 1 child down. I don't want to let anyone down.

And also to add, if we knew she was going 3 weeks earlier, we would never of thought of going anyway. Especially if we knew she was already missing a day of school.

It just pisses me off so much that the ex could potentially ruin a well deserved holiday for my dcs.

We will see how we feel in the morning, gut feeling is we will stick to our guns and still go. Dh is saying I should go and just take my dcs but that's not fair either.

If the ex is willing to pay the extra £300 just to go on a weekend then that's fair enough. We don't have that money. Plus it's missing a day. Fri - Monday is £749. Mon to fri is £449

I wouldn’t go. Your DSD may not have been bothered before but, thanks to her mums helpful chippering away, she now is. She would then have her mum in her ear reminding her how not part of your family she is. Not worth it IMO. Stay home and do days out with the other DC? I know it’s not fair but I just wouldn’t take the risk of it starting a rift and the mother using it.

@sockunicorn totally see your point. I said this to dh earlier, what's the point in going when we are going to be treated badly for it. Don't want to upset dsd. Though I do believe she's playing a game with us all here.

It just upsets me so much that my dcs will miss our, they still think they are going :-(

Meanwhile the ex, dsd and the rest of them get to go to exactly the same place and have a whale of a time and we get nothing.

It's just hard to stomach that's all.

Sounds like DSD Mum is using her DD as a pawn in this childish game. Just straight up tell the child the situation - you don't have enough money and it's not you of DH stopping her, it's her own Mum. Who decided it's ok for her to miss days off school when she's on holiday with her mum but it's not ok for her to miss days off when she's going with you? The ex needs to stop playing games and making this difficult for you. Essentially she has set this up to make you look like the bad guys. And yes I do agree if ex will give the extra money to change the week then fine otherwise she should have explained it to her DD in a way that makes her not think you're to blame.

I would go with the 3 DC and explain to DSD that you can't afford to go in the holidays and her dad would let her come during term time but her Mum won't.

Don't know where you are but have you looked at Alton towers? I know you wanted somewhere else but might be worth a look. We've been most years.
The Woodland lodges and splash landings hotel were cheaper than other similar places when I looked a short while ago, plus you get the theme park as well as waterpark, high ropes, spa plus breakfast was included etc.

DSD is being ridiculous and spoiled and I think you should go, lay out all the reasons you have told us here, and treat it as a learning experience about how life isn't perfectly fair, spite is not going to make you popular, economics, etc.

If I was your husband I wouldn’t be going, leaving one child behind would really dampen the holiday and it will always have that sadness around any memories made. I’d honestly save the money you have and be strong adding to it over the year to be able to afford an out of term time holiday with all of you. Some companies you can set up a payment plan if that’s easier? She’s upset she will miss out of her blended families holiday that will hurt her.

Also do not let your other 3 DC down if they wanted to go! It's not their fault your DH ex is being difficult, don't punish them for it

I say go too. You were willing to include dsd in your holiday plans. Her mother has made the decision to not allow her to go. Dsd is having a holiday. Her step siblings deserve a holiday too

Sounds like DSD Mum is using her DD as a pawn in this childish game. Just straight up tell the child the situation - you don't have enough money and it's not you of DH stopping her, it's her own Mum. Who decided it's ok for her to miss days off school when she's on holiday with her mum but it's not ok for her to miss days off when she's going with you? The ex needs to stop playing games and making this difficult for you. Essentially she has set this up to make you look like the bad guys. And yes I do agree if ex will give the extra money to change the week then fine otherwise she should have explained it to her DD in a way that makes her not think you're to blame.

I would go with the 3 DC and explain to DSD that you can't afford to go in the holidays and her dad would let her come during term time but her Mum won't

Yes to all of this.

Put the blame squarely back on where it belongs - on the ex. DSD is old enough to know the facts.

Unless ex is willing to pay all the extra costs involved in going during the school holidays, she has absolutely no right, or say, in when your (new) family goes on holiday.

The thing is, we have said that dh will take her away for the weekend just the 2 of them. Which in all honesty is a great idea wether we all go away or not. Dsd is always complaining that when she comes to us she's bored. She wants time with just her dad. So we thought she would get the best of both worlds, holiday with her mum and family, holiday with just her dad - no other dcs.

But then the ex chipped in with her 'don't even think about going without her' crap. I have never bit my lip so hard in my life.....for not exploding in anger.

Thanks for everyone's replies, really do appreciate both sides. I'm torn but tbh, my heart lies with my dcs. I've not taken them away in years. I want them to have this holiday before baby arrives, may sound selfish but that's how I feel.

Maybe I'll feel different in the morning. The last thing I want to do is upset dsd. I treat her as my own but....situations like this makes blended families bloody hard work.

If DH is taking her away for the weekend separately, where is this money coming from? Couldn't that make up the £300 shortfall?

You're not selfish for taking your other 3 DC away! Genuinely sounds like this teenager has you wrapped round her finger or you're stepping on eggshells. You are the parent, you make the decisions. One child cannot outweigh 3 children, you as a parent has to make a difficult choice but like someone upthread said, it's a lesson learnt for the child that life is not always fair

Not in such short notice. The weekend away would have to be in July/August time when we saved up enough again to go. This was explained to dsd. Dh is working lots of over time in June.

We aren't lending any extra money either. That's not an option.

Can your DSD go for a shorter time so you go for a week and your DSD comes for the weekend and the non-school days?

I don't understand what you mean @penguinsandpanda. We are going mon - fri. My dcs have a training day which with the bank holiday means they only miss 3 days. Dsds school doesn't have a training day. She will miss 4 days.

For this holiday place you can only book either a full week, mon - fri or fri - mon.

If you could split it so it's the weekend and 2 week days, that would be better but it's not an option unfortunately.

Wow. Sounds like there are lots of mums involved here. Do any of the other mums care that their children are missing school? I wouldn't take mine out if school for a holiday unless it was for a very special occasion and this does not sound like it is. I'm with DSD's mum on this. If you partner really wants to spend time with and enjoy a holiday with one of his daughters he needs to come up with an alternative date.

I know it’s not really the point, but have you checked the prices for other locations of the place I assume you are going to? Prices are usually different..

@notangelinajolie the same could be said about the ex though as she is also taking the child out of school for her own holiday with her

I think it is totally unreasonable to take DSD out of school for 2 weeks within a 4 week period, I don't think 2 holidays should ever have been on the cards for her.

However, it does seem unfair that DSD and ex are calling the shots. Why doesn't your ex (calmly) phone her and suggest she cancels instead. She may then get some understanding about how you feel.

Assuming your partner has parental responsibility, shouldn't decisions about missing school be joint (wherever possible) and fair? It seems it's okay to miss school to go away with her Mum but not her Dad?

If it's the place i think it is you can do longer... It's either mon-sun or fri-Fri (can't remember which) but is possible