To go on holiday even though one child can't come....

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This is my second post on here tonight.....

4 dcs between me and dh. I have 2 dcs, he has 2 also.

We have recently come in to a small amount of money last week and decided to book a last minute break before our baby arrives. I'm currently pregnant. Before we mentioned booking anything, we cleared it with dhs ex's. They were both fine, no problems, have a lovely time etc etc. Eldest dc is a teenager, youngest is 4. 2 separate mothers.

We had absolutely no idea but the eldest one is going on the exact holiday we are booking in 3 weeks time however it was still fine for her to come with us - it's a popular uk resort.

All planned to book it. Eldest dcs mother rings tonight and has now changed her mind, she cannot come with us as she's decided it's too much time off school.

What do we do? Book to go anyway but without her? The ex has already said she will not be impressed if we book without her dd and we should look at going another week. However:

1. If she cannot miss school time (which I understand but I wish she would of bloody said this yesterday instead of saying yes and then changing her mind) then we can't go. We can't afford to go in school holidays. It's an extra £1000+

1. Dh can only have this week off as it's last minute. So if we don't go that week, we can't go at all. All other weeks are booked up where he works.

Dhs dd knows about the holiday as we told her thinking it was all ok for us to go. Now she's in tears at the fact we are going without her.

During a FaceTime tonight between dh and his dd, the ex had the cheek to sit on her lap top looking at different dates for us all to go and saying 'oh if you go Friday to Monday, it's only an extra £300'. With dsd saying 'yeah just book that and I can come' However we can't afford that! And we have the dates and this is the only time we can go.

Weve even has dsd ringing dh later and saying 'dad can't we just go in half term? It's an extra £1000 but it means I can go, can't you just pay it?'

This has turned into a mess. What do we do? Not go? There's 3 other kids to consider, we want them to have a holiday. But we don't want the upset at all. I'm absolutely fuming at how it's all turned out if I'm honest. We so wanted dsd to come and it was all sorted it. We were literally waiting to get my dcs in bed tonight and then were booking it. Dh is gutted that dsd cant come but he doesn't want the rest of us to miss out on a holiday because of this situation. Is he right? I don't know. I desperately want to go, I want to take my dcs away as it will be the last time for a couple of years. Maybe longer. It's not often we can afford to go away.

Also to mention again, dsd is doing the exact holiday in 3 weeks time with her mum. So dh suggested doing a separate weekend with her. Dh would take her somewhere special just the 2 of them. But obviously he ex chipped in and said 'listen if you go away without dd then I'm sorry but that's just not fair'.

Are we unreasonable to go? This is the last time we can go before our baby arrives. With the budget we have, school holidays to this certain place is just a no no. The price triples. To go the week we want is £449. To go school holidays it's £1369.

Tbh what annoyed me is when we told dad about us all going on holiday yesterday her reaction was 'but I'm already going there with mum, can't we go somewhere different?' As mentioned, we had no idea she was going but told her no, this is where we are going and that's that. She went into a sulk and said she wasn't even sure she wanted to go anyway.

Even if dh can change his dates, it would make no difference as dsd can't miss school - which I understand. But we only have a small amount of money to go and schoo holidays is just not an option.

What would you do? Go on the holiday but be made to feel like utter s**t or not go at all but then everyone misses out?

Hope this post makes sense....sorry if I'm not being clear enough.....

Have you budgeted for the possible £480 in fines?

I would go.

Dsd gets a holiday with her mum, the other dc get a holiday with you. Everyone’s had a holiday.

Plus dsd also gets a weekend away with her dad so it’s not like you’re treating them unfairly.

Somebody should teach that child the value of money instead of taking her on a holiday.

You didn't book until you had the go ahead from the other mothers. If one has changed her mind that's too bad.

Make it clear that you still want DSD to go but her mother has said no.

Let her deal with the fall out, you've done nothing wrong. Place the blame where it belongs

Enjoy your holiday.

Wow. Sounds like there are lots of mums involved here. Do any of the other mums care that their children are missing school?
There's only one other mum and op said that dc is 4 so not in mandatory school yet.

Op I'd go. It's not you that's changed the goalposts and if ex refuses to let you take her another weekend just her then that's on her

You offered, they accepted, then changed their minds. DSD will be having the same holiday. I would go.

go.
i would.

you cant make everything equal in the moment with such age gaps but that doesnt mean it isnt fair over time.
dsd is already going a few weeks later with her mum and this is other kids chance to go.
work out the extra it would cost to take her on your date and set that aside or offer it to her as spending money for her holiday for her mum.

I'm a bit shocked at the completely casual attitude you all seem to have to just taking your kids out of school as you fancy. Why do you think it's so much cheaper? It's because most people are too responsible to do what both her and her mum are.

Tbh, I have no issues with taking my dcs out of school however they will only be missing 3 days due to a training day and bank holiday. They are primary school age though, secondary school i would think different

But your DSD is 13 so if you think like this how was booking a term time holiday ever going to be ok?

Just go, it’s not fair on the other children to miss out if you don’t go.
You and your partner are going to have these problems in the future, no doubt, with 5 dc to accommodate so better get your holiday while you can afford to!

If you think DH will be able to afford to go in the late summer with dsd, is there any reason why you can't delay the holiday entirely until then? I know you'll have a baby with you but surely that's not a barrier? Would avoid taking the dcs out of school then. You also need to make sure you've budgeted for the fines for holidays in term time - I'm guessing that will actually kill off any discount you're getting for going now.

Dsd's mum is clearly being hypocritical but I agree it's far too much time off school in one go.

Will the school fine you if you take dc out of school?

GO!!!

Your dsd is already going on holiday with her mum. Your children aren't.

They deserve their holiday.

@Pleasebeafleabite we never thought it would be ok that's the thing. I actually said to dh that there's no chance we can go as dsd cant miss school and even if dh was ok with it, she wouldn't allow it. I'm not her parent so I can't have any input as to wether I think it's acceptable or not. That's why we checked first. Dh rang and asked the ex thoughts who actually thought it was lovely. Dh said he would contact the school to make all arrangements, she said there would be no need. She would do it. I cannot figure out why the hell she didn't just say no on Sunday. We had no idea dsd was already missing a week of school, as far as we were aware, it was the last week of the easter holidays. Dh even asked dsds mum if she was already missing school and she said no. I don't get it.

My own dcs school are fine with us going, there is a disabled child in all of this (not dsd) and the headteacher is in totally understanding of our need for a holiday. I understand some are saying it's not acceptable to take children out in term time and that's fine. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. But for us, in our situation, as far as my dcs go, taking them out of school for 3 days is not an issue. Spending quality family time is equally important to us. I can't have a say for dsd. The youngest has not yet started school so for him, it's not an issue.

@MargaretCavendish please read the below comments. It's £1000 more expensive.

Morning to everyone else and thanks for supporting comments.

Also to point out, me and dh are totally aware that she cannot miss 2 weeks of school. Even if her mother said it was ok, we wouldn't. It's not acceptable. So we are not trying to question wether she can come or not. She can't and that's that. However we were told that she could, we then told all the dcs and now one can't come after all. So the only question I'm asking is are we unfair to go or not? As stated, it's not an option to change the weeks. Most say go, I'm grateful for all opinions. Whatever we do, me and dh are going to feel bad about it so either way, we can't win. Let 3 dcs down or let 1 down. Just very frustrating that either way, dsd still gets to enjoy the exact same holiday but the other 3 would get nothing. For that reason, we will most likely go. Thanks everyone

I do not agree with any of the dc missing school, so personally I would be switching to a long weekend anyway, so you can prob take dd as well.

That would solve the issues.

Hope you book the holiday today!

What if it was one of the other children that couldn't go? Would you still go?

If you really can't go for a long weekend, then I would take the dc and reaffirm that you would love to take dd as well if she can make it. It was all arranged and it is hardly your fault dh ex has changed it.

Perhaps dsd could join you for for the weekend there? Her mother can drive her to meet you. I would keep the offer on the table, and say if dd can't come fine, dh will take her away separately for the weekend but the holiday plans can not be moved this time.

She is a teen she is not an impressionable young child she will get over it, and is going in a few weeks anyway!

The ex sounds like an absolute horror. She lied and said she was taking her in the holidays and that she'd sort this out with school, then it turned into 'she can't go and don't even think about going yourselves'? Hope your DP has given her a rocket.

Definitely go - quality family time is so important. You can make it up to dsd later.

I think you should go, DSD is old enough at 13 to understand why her siblings need a holiday and that whilst you are very sorry she can't be there you Know she will have a fabulous time when she goes with her mum later on. Everyone has had one holiday at said place which is fair.

How do you get on with the ex generally? This reads like a deliberate stitch up to me. She's put you in an impossible situation. Either no holiday to where you want to go or a very unhappy teen - one who has been manipulated into being unhappy at that.

Only thing I can suggest is trying to look at dates way in advance so it's cheaper - or even the same place in Europe if you're near a ferry port.

I think I would be going and explaining to a teenager exactly that just an extra £1000 is a lot of money and that her mum did actually agree when it was book and now that it is booked it can not be changed.

In my opinion I would go but that’s off the back of what we went through with dsd. We used to pander to everything her dm would say as to not upset dsd but it started impacted our 2 dc. When we eventually decided to just go on holiday without dsd things seemed to work out better as her dm realised she didn’t have us over a barrel anymore. To clarify, dsd was getting plenty of holidays with her dm so wasn’t really missing out. It was tough but the more you do what her dm does I think it doesn’t help as if there’s any bitterness she’ll take every step to cause problems.

I would presume the holiday is already booked - the place being alluded to tends to book up completely in school holidays.