To get really annoyed with 'fine thanks'?

[ImogenTubbs]

Example text conversation:

Them: Hey, how are you?
Me: Pretty good! Bit tired after busy weekend doing X,Y and Z. How are you?
Them: Yeah, fine thanks.

Or variations of the above. AIBU to find it really annoying when people just say, "fine thanks" when you ask how they are, particularly over text? I need more to work with! I genuinely want to know how they are or what they've been doing. I don't need war and peace, but just a bit of news, whatever it may be.

I have a couple of friends who are just REALLY HARD WORK over text as they never bloody tell me anything. Why bother keeping in touch, if they are just going to say, "fine thanks"?

I think a lot of the time when people ask me 'how are you?' it's more done as a social nicety than because people genuinely want to know how the other person is, and so ''fine thanks' is a perfectly reasonable response. I also always have a worry that I'm boring people when I talk about myself (and I'm sure other people feel like this too), so I tend to keep my answers brief.

If you really want some more info is I'd ask a more specific questions like 'how was your holiday', 'what did you do at the weekend' or 'how is work going'? If you get 'fine thanks' or similar as a response to that then I'd take that as a subtle hint that they probably don't want to talk.

My most helpful question is 'whats new with you' then they either tell you some stuff or say 'nothing much' and we discuss how nothing much has changed since the last time we chatted.

Imogen, you know you can also use a phone to make an actual phone call?

It is a dying art, but with old friends so much better than texting!

I think you’re getting a hard time, OP! That conversation you quoted IS annoying - they initiated it, and then offered nothing. And you can’t go for a coffee, and International calls are expensive, and some relationships aren’t “chat on the phone” ones anyway.

You’ll just need to ask different questions, I guess - or resort to funny gifs.

Peanutbutter - you're so right! Although with one of them I've been trying to arrange to have an actual conversation for about a month! We have got so out of the habit of just picking up the phone, haven't we? My mum is the only person I still do that with.

You would love my DH. "How are you?" would elicit a full response on all his maladies. And he's quite old so plenty to work with!

It's buried in my head as a response since I learned English as a second language. Early days of learning, it's all you can say, and repeated so many times!

It's difficult to have a full conversation through text. Sounds like you should be calling them or going to see them. You sound quite needy.

A general point; while it's true that sometimes texting is used when a proper phone call is needed, personally i love the fact that the house phone doesn't ring much any more. (The only people i know who still use a landline are cold callers or my mother).

I don't think so many of us are happy to be available just anytime anymore. We like a bit of advanced warning.

When i was a kid (70s/80s) the house phone got answered come hell or high water. Food was abandoned boiling on the stove, people leapt out of showers, bums were left unwiped, babies were left half bathed. No matter what you were doing go got that phone answered! My mum is still in that mindset. She's horrified by me taking the decision not to answer the bells of the all powerful House Phone

I've always thought when someone asks "how are you," they aren't really asking how you are. It's just smalltalk.

Yes, me too. I generally find people look pretty devastated if I start to actually tell them how I am!

laiste Texts are great for short bits of information, or to arrange something with a group. To have a nice chat with a friend, an un-arranged call on a house phone is wonderful. You can choose not to answer it if you are busy, but there is something lovely about the informal nature of a not-prearranged call. If you arrange it, there is more pressure, so if someone gets busy for an unforeseen reason, or someone isn't in the mood, it is a bit of trouble.

I have a couple of friends who I chat with regularly, and it is a life saver, as we live in different countries. I have a cheap calling plan (through something I found on line), and we all have no trouble saying "I can't talk now, talk later" so it works well.

I am old, so this behaviour is just what I grew up with, but I think there are younger people who have never experienced it, which is why I am recommending it.

I disagree OP, conversation should go like this:

Me:how are you?
them: Fine thanks
Me: good weekend?
Them: blah blah blah (insert details here). How about you?
Me: (My weekend information)

Fine thanks is just a polite placeholder before going on to specifics. It's enough info it we're passing, but can lead on to more details if we're not.

At least they didn't reply "I'm good".

The flip side of what you’re saying is how I feel about being asked. I’m chronically ill. You really want me to tell you how I am and what I did at the weekend? No you don’t. It’s the same every week. Very ill. In bed. Struggling. Collapsing. So y’know perhaps consider stopping asking me every time. But then if you do stop then we will both feel bad so let’s just play this pretend game.

I do not "chat" via text. Maybe it's my advanced age.

If you want to communicate with them just talk to them.

Mummyof, as far as I know, when a conversation begins with "Hi, how are you?", you're not supposed to take the question literally. As nonsensical as it is. And I'm truly sorry that you're unwell, FWIW.

“How are you?” Is NOT a question. It’s like “How do you do?” - you wouldn’t dream of saying how you are actually doing.

It is very Me Me Me if someone starts telling you about their ailments in response to the How are you? greeting. It’s often the response of some elderly people who have begun to lose the ability to filter and are labouring under the misapprehension that you actually care about their chiropodist appointment.

Most people use "how are you" as a variation on "hello" & only expect "fine thanks". Try a different question if you really want a fuller answer -"what did you do at the weekend?", "how's your cough this week?" etc.

diodati

Thanks. . That’s exactly my point. Social norms. And I’m ok with that. But it’s silly for op to expect someone to open up and get peed off when they don’t when she asked a question, which requires a “fine thanks” answer when she started the game in the first place.

Yes, you’re be VU,

I hate text conversations like this, or by messenger or whatsapp. One question leading to another, ‘what have you done at the weekend’ ‘I went to a restaurant’ ‘oo what did you have’ – I find it exhausting and I don’t want to spend that much time on my phone chatting to people, it makes me want to not reply at all.

I have no idea what's going on in their lives anymore!

Have you said that to them? Perhaps mention it next time they contact you, if you haven't.

Sounds like you should be calling them or going to see them. You sound quite needy.

Gwenhwyfar That's not a very nice thing to say to OP. Wondering why her friends don't give her any information about their lives, when they want info about hers, and are the ones who instigate the conversations, is not "needy".
How can OP just go and see them? She's said she doesn't live in the same country, and calls to other countries are expensive. OP tried to set up a video chat, but her friend kept postponing it.

I have depression and hate the 'How are you?' questions. They put me on the spot and if I'm not feeling great what exactly can I say - I am fine but I am not great. Some days I struggle to even get out of bed - people don't want to hear you aren't feeling so fab especially when they have gone into great detail about how wonderful their fucking life is

Fine is a great word.

Better than the nonsensical, “I’m good.”, that’s for sure.

I hate text messaging as a conversation medium. If you really want to know how I am, then you'll pick up the phone and actually have a conversation with me and find out for yourself.

Text messaging should be restricted to 'I'm running late, be there in 5' type messages.