To get really annoyed with 'fine thanks'?

[ImogenTubbs]

Example text conversation:

Them: Hey, how are you?
Me: Pretty good! Bit tired after busy weekend doing X,Y and Z. How are you?
Them: Yeah, fine thanks.

Or variations of the above. AIBU to find it really annoying when people just say, "fine thanks" when you ask how they are, particularly over text? I need more to work with! I genuinely want to know how they are or what they've been doing. I don't need war and peace, but just a bit of news, whatever it may be.

I have a couple of friends who are just REALLY HARD WORK over text as they never bloody tell me anything. Why bother keeping in touch, if they are just going to say, "fine thanks"?

I totally get that how are you, particularly in person, is more of a ritual. It's not just that though I just find these two people in particular hard work over text - "how was your weekend?" gets, "yeah, good thanks" and "what have you been up to?" gets, "not much, how about you?"

We're fine in person (in fact they talk quite a lot). We live a long way away from each other now so don't get to see each other that often so whatsapp or messenger play quite an important role in our relationships. And they get in touch with me often so I don't think it's their way of trying to distance themselves. I love them both dearly but roll my eyes when I get a message and think, "here goes another non-conversation!"

"Fine thanks" is probably better than an honest answer and maybe they don't want to open that can of worms.

Do they chat about other subjects by text or is all communication like this? I am wondering because I don't like writing on my phone and I will keep communication on it as short as possible. If someone wants an extended chat, then they need to phone.

Surely in your scenario in OP they don’t just say “fine thanks” and nothing more? If so, what do you reply - and why? Why not wait for them to say more?

I use "fine, thanks" all the time. It's short for:

"We don't know each other well enough for me to be confident you really want to hear about all the rubbish that's going on in my life at the moment, so I'll simply reassure you that while I might have all kinds of things going on, I can still be considered OK enough for you not to give my wellbeing any more consideration in your no doubt equally busy and complicated life."

Maybe they have something when contacting you they want to say and they don't want to derail the conversation with talk about something trivial? Or they aren't having a good day and don't want to talk about it?

Jesus, "fine thanks" is about 100 times better than the usual, slightly pained, tremulous "not bad", as if they have just crawled over broken glass and through enemy fire to get to you.

And both are better than an hour long regaling of every ailment they've ever had. It's polite smalltalk, not Eamonn Andrews and This Is Your Life.

Like sonjadog I keep texts short as I really can't be doing with writing long essays on a small screen. I would rather have an actual telephone conversation or use Messenger on my laptop which has a full sized keyboard.

You can't really have indepth conversation over text.

You are the one asking the equally bland "and how are you?"

If you want a better answer, you need to ask a better question! Like:"how did your dd do in the athletics competition?" Or "how did your job interview go?" Or "how is your DH, still on crutches?" Or something else that shows a prior knowledge and interest in their lives!

Nosquirrels, it might go something like this:

A: Hi hon, how are you?
B: Hey! Pretty good - had a super busy week with work but looking forward to doing X at the weekend with DD. How are you doing?
A: Good thanks, how's DD?
B: She's doing really well and loving learning to read. What have you been up to?
A: Ah, that's great. Not much, we're ok. How's work?
B: Going well - getting really busy. How are things going with you? How's your DD?
A: Yeah, fine thanks.

At this point I start getting a bit exasperated! I'm not looking for a 'list of every ailment' as someone said, but a couple of nuggets I can work with. I tried to arrange a video call the other week to avoid the painfully meaningless text conversations, but she rescheduled twice and then cancelled. Might try again this week!

I know exactly what you mean, OP. Since I've moved away I've had to rely a lot on text messaging and some friends are either really bad at texting or are really self-absorbed - I continually ask them questions but they never ask questions in return or offer up anything meaningful. I think that if you know you're not good with/don't like texting you should really make some effort and suggest a phone chat or alternative means of communication rather than simply let the other person struggle to keep in touch with you. That is, if you actually care about keeping up the relationship, which I'm not sure people always do.

Maybe your friends are too busy to engage in a prolonged conversation via text? I have many dear friends and I enjoy their company face to face but I am not going to spend time sending messages backwards and forwards - surely that's what teenagers do?

As others have said, ask a meaningful question and you are more likely to get a meaningful answer. And personally I loathe questions like 'did you have a good weekend' - you either tell the truth (which in my case would be doing housework, dealing with a sulky teenager, drinking too much wine and falling asleep in front of the tv) or make something up - (lovely meal out, interesting visit to a National Trust property, five mile run, planning our summer holiday - etc ).

And who really is interested in knowing someone else's DD is learning to read ?

Them asking how you are is probably to be polite rather than expecting any detail back. So they assume you're doing the same and give you the bare minimum.

I always just say 'fine, thanks' when I'm not really interested in a chat with that person.

Also agree with the PPs who hate being asked 'how are you?'
Especially from a friend, I find it so formal. I'm way more comfortable with people who text me as if we're already in a conversation rather than the dreaded 'hi, how are you?' at the start of every interaction.

My pet hate along the same lines is business emails from complete strangers which start

Dear Elphame

I hope you are well.

It seems to be getting more and more common and I've had cold callers start like this as well. Quite bizarre

So, Ragwort, what kind of meaningful question should I ask over text?

Some people naturally seem to be more comfortable making conversation about the person they're talking to rather than themselves. Asking people about themselves and turning the convo. away from oneself is a well known method of coping with shyness. It can be a hard habit to break.

People who need to have very sensitive convos. and draw out info from people for their work a lot can tend to still do it in their personal life i find. Sort of second nature. I have a couple of friends like it. Once i do finally get them to start talking about themselves it's like a floodgate opens

Maybe they just don't want to tell you, or even want you to know?

So 'fine thanks' IS the conversation stopper that it is meant to be, to YOU.

I'm on pay as you go - use phone for school/work really - answering inane questions in a text relay costs me money. In answer to "How are you?" I'd go for a minimalist "k" to try and stop any further chatter.

I bloody hate it when i get asked how i am when i'm on the phone to the bank, or whatever. For god's sake. We've done the hello, and now we're dealing with the reason for the call. Don't suddenlythen ask me how i am!? It's weird and off putting.

(i know they get told to)

Laiste - that's really interesting. There might be something in that with both of these people. I do genuinely value them both and I really want to find ways of having more meaningful communications when I don't get to see them in person as much as I used to. *

Joanna* - if that was the case then I'm not sure why they'd bother to keep in touch so often and maintain the relationship? I live in another country now, it's the perfect opportunity for them to distance themselves if they want.

In your recent example I'm fine would be my way of trying to close down a text conversation. I cannot be arsed texting backwards and forwards. If you really want to know how I am then actually make a call and speak to me. Text is for saying "I'll be there in 5 minutes" or " I'm running late" Why have we become a society that relies on conversation by text rather than in real life ?

Well first it's weird trying to have conversations like that by text.

Email, pick up the phone, or meet for coffee.

Second, 'how are you' is a formal polite social convention to which the only acceptable response is 'fine thanks' IMHO.

Unlike my SIL who always answers (on the phone) with a deep sign & a lengthy list of how tired she is, how hard she's been working and how she's getting over a bad cold.

Peanutbutter. - the trouble is, because I don't see them very often and they don't share anything over text, I don't have the basic info to ask questions like that. I have to really dig to find anything out that I can work with. I have no idea what's going on in their lives anymore! I guess that's the point of the thread really. I want to know that kind of trivial detail, but it's such a chore getting them to reveal anything that it's making the friendship hard work.

This is why home phones are so wonderful. You call the person, without prior arrangements or too much thought, just because you want to chat with a friend you don't get to see much.

If they aren't there, or don't feel like talking, they don't pick up the phone, and you don't leave a message so they never know you called. Then you try again a bit later without it being "weird" or "stalkery". They pick up, and you know they are not on line at the bank, or in the middle of a parent teacher conference, and you chat.