Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

Supposing we had had, in the past, a racist law/tradition whereby in any mixed-race marriage, the non-white spouse had to take the white person's name. I can't imagine many people would voluntarily carry this on today, just because it was 'tradition' or they liked their spouse's name better: wouldn't they be more likely to want to reject the racist symbolism of one spouse being more important than the other, even if it was now 'just' symbolism? This is how I feel about taking a man's name on marriage. It carries its history with it.

LUDICROUS analogy fonzi.

It's just as bad to judge someone for doing it as not doing it.

This. It is nothing to do with anyone else. Everyone has the right to make their own choice without feeling pressure or judgement.

Nope it is ludicrous.

I didn't take my husband's surname because it doesn't go well with my first name and I was too lazy to change it anyway. Plus I've had my name for a long time and I didn't want a new identity, I wanted to remain myself. The inlaws are unhappy about it but it's tough - it's my name so it's my decision. Keeping my name wasn't a big feminist statement though - I just didn't fancy being called Mrs DH. DS has DH's surname. I couldn't care less what anyone chooses to call themselves, married or not.

Changing your name is only the norm in certain countries btw. In Spain and Iceland (for example) women keep their birth names.

I just don't really get why people care. I mean I get why you'd be bothered at twats like our local council tax office who were telling people it was illegal not to change their names, but other than educating people that it doesn't make any difference to the validity of your marriage, the custody/residence of your children, the treatment your children will get in hospital or any other bullshit thing that comes from it then just let people do what they like.

It's the same with "Oh you shouldn't give the kids their Dad's name, give them yours". Do what you want to do and what suits your family. And stop giving a fuck what anyone else does because it makes no difference to your life.

Lalalalyra what other people do does make a difference to my life.
Excellent analogy, Fonzi.

kimanda, you’ve got to work harder at flounces. The impact is really undermined if you keep popping back into the thread.

Any actual arguments this time around? We live in hope of an actual justification for your statements.

but other than educating people that it doesn't make any difference to the validity of your marriage, the custody/residence of your children, the treatment your children will get in hospital or any other bullshit thing that comes from it then just let people do what they like.

I’m on Year Eight of educating. When do I graduate?

“I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter.”

When this is as likely to be said by a man as by a woman, it will cease to be a non-issue.

Until then it is a (feminist) issue because the societal pressure puts an expectation on women.

bringbackfonzi that's a really interesting analogy. I suppose the difference is that there is no difference between a black or white person ( for example) other than the colour of their skin. Sexism is about treating women and men equally but there IS a difference between the sexes. Not a difference in worth or importance just a difference in sex.

That said I see your point

It makes a big difference to other people's lives because there is such a thing as societal pressure. I want my daughter to grow up with no concept that she will be expected to give up her identity when she gets married, while her brother will keep his.

If people stop caring what other people do then she won't have that pressure.

Especially once people stop feeling the need to perpetuate the myths that go with 'you need to change your name because it's illegal not too/one of you will never be able to take the kids away without getting stopped if you have different names/people won't know you are married' etc.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno really well put. I agree entirely.

I never took my ExH’s name legally, no particular reason although the thought of changing everything made me want to cry. I did change it on Facebook for a time but switched back.

I didn't change my name when I got married. Almost everyone I know did.

I am secretly quite judgey about it as I think name changing in marriage is pretty backwards but I generally don't comment (unless to privately bitch to my sister who also didn't change her name. Lest we look like a pair of feminist heroes, our mother is completely bemused by us and is always telling me in particular how my name + DH's surname would be a vast improvement on my actual name 🤔)

Have lost count of the amount of people who've made rude remarks about my name decision. "What's the point in getting married?" One friend said. DH and I had been married for 7 years at that point, together for 14, with a baby on the way. "But your kids won't know who you are!" Said another (then when DS was born, "so are you changing it now?")

Seriously depressing how backwards some people are and how eager they were to change their names, as if marriage was some sort of achievement.

I was happy to accept the diamond ring and wore a white dress (actually was quite keen on a navy one but DH was a bit crestfallen when I told him I was considering it, so i relented) so a bit inconsistent there I admit.

Also have heard the argument "but it's still a MAN's name, it's just your dad's instead of your husband" - err no, it's my name - the name I was born with, the name on my degree, the name I was admitted to the Bar with, the name I have been known by all my life. Why the F should I change it.

Each to their own but I didn't want to have a different name to any children we had. We have a son now so definitely glad I did

I didn't want a different name to my kids either, so I gave them my name. Why is it assumed you will have a different name to your kids if you keep yours?

I kept my name. DS is double barrelled from both our names.

Now soon to be ex h has an aunt who also kept her name but their dc just have their dad's name. I have a couple of Italian friends and a Spanish friend who have both kept their names and given DC double barrelled surnames. They all say it's common where they are from, but I don't know if it's because they are married to English men.

My ds teacher never seems to get how to address me, I sign all emails as my name - Christian name and surname. Every time I get a different reply, such as "dear Mrs double barrelled" "dear Mrs my name" "dear Miss my name" "dear Ms my name". I look forward to her replies just to see what I am that day.

If you wear a white dress you are stiĺ.allowed an opinion. There are some beautiful dresses out there. If you want to get one but dont't because of some feminist ideological standpoint its called cutting off your nose to spite your face its pointless, and unnecessary. Trust me noone will lose any sleep.over a woman wearing a white dress for a wedding or for taking their husbands name. So if you want to do It, do it

I know I'm still allowed an opinion, that's why I posted it just up there 👆

Go ahead with it I think it is a BRILLIANT idea. It marks a new chapter in your life. For most women it is hallmark of their life. Marks a shared life with your better half.
You do what is right for you, you don't live your LIFE for other people, do you?

You are not doing anything wrong so makes it easy. Just because 90% people are doing something does not make it right or normal.

Most like to follow like sheep, perhaps makes them feel "recognised" or they feel "independent".
But if you DON'T agree, DO NOT follow. And nothing outdated about it. Do what you feel like. Period.

all the best.