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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking husbands name

720 replies

luelle · 24/03/2018 18:59

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 00:54

stitchglitched

I don't assume that
Your options are :

  1. change your name to be the same as you're husband's
  2. husband changes his name to be the same as yours
  3. you both choose a third last name
  4. you double barrel your name or your childrens names
  5. one of you has a different last name to your children

1 is the most common and people tend to prefer to go with the status quo. I honestly believe that's that and give it no more thought.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 00:55

camila18 better half?

Gennz18 · 25/03/2018 00:55

" people tend to prefer to go with the status quo"

Because that system has worked out amazingly for women over the last couple of thousand years

squoosh · 25/03/2018 00:56

Just because 90% people are doing something does not make it right or normal.

Taking one's husband's surname?

lalalalyra · 25/03/2018 00:57

Spanish friend who have both kept their names and given DC double barrelled surnames. They all say it's common where they are from, but I don't know if it's because they are married to English men.

In Spain traditionally kids get both names, but use the first of their surnames (which was usually their father's name). The current motoGP champion Marc Marquez's full name is Marc Marquez Alenta, Alenta being his mother's name.

Some people do it the other way around and use the mother's name first. I think the only law is that all children from the marriage have to use the same combination so you can't chop and change.

I've met a couple of Spaniards who use both names regularly as well, so it's even changing there a bit too.

stitchglitched · 25/03/2018 02:02

Fruitcorner I was responding to the poster above me who indicated that she changed her name because she didn't want a different name to her children. If there are women who are changing their name solely for that reason (and I do see it said alot on threads like this) then I think it is an issue that needs to be addressed.

CadyHeron · 25/03/2018 02:04

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about
Not RTFT (it's late/early depending on your perspective AND the clocks go forward so I lose an hours sleep when I do kip!)
I don't think it's ridiculous, or whatever, I happily took DH's name when we got married. Hold what may be perceived as old fashioned views in that respect. Marry, then have kids if wanted, all have the same name. All one family unit, don't want to all have different names.
I don't see myself as property. Just why get married if you want to differentiate yourself name wise? Kids after marriage, all the same name. Family unit.
Been called a rad fem this week, probably back to being called a handmaiden or some such thing now Grin
Meh.

squoosh · 25/03/2018 02:07

Just why get married if you want to differentiate yourself name wise?

Moronic.

lalalalyra · 25/03/2018 02:07

Just why get married if you want to differentiate yourself name wise?

Inheritance tax, automatic next of kin, sharing tax code if one SAHP, beareavement benefits if the worst happens, protection in the event of splitting up, love... None of which require having the same name.

Gennz18 · 25/03/2018 02:08

"Why get married if you want to differentiate yourself name wise?"

Errr I dunno, maybe because your a sentient being with a brain and identity of your own, and that concept isn't incompatible with marriage? Just a wild stab in the dark

Gennz18 · 25/03/2018 02:08

*you're 😳

squoosh · 25/03/2018 02:08

Why do some people feel they can only have a 'family unit' if everyone has the man's surname? Truly bizarre mindset.

stitchglitched · 25/03/2018 02:10

Just why get married if you want to differentiate yourself name wise?

Do you ask men that question?

TammyWhyNot · 25/03/2018 02:16

Cady: why his name? Why not your name?

CadyHeron · 25/03/2018 02:17

I always got a bit confused by the whole "I changed it so we all had the same mane" thing.I dont have the same name as either of my kids. But its so easy to explain. If they ask I'll just say its MY name! Simple!

Families are a unit, though.I want us all to have the same name. To me, would be really weird to start a family,but deliberately keep yourself separate in name from them though.
Appreciate everyone's different though.

CadyHeron · 25/03/2018 02:19

Moronic.

In your opinion.

squoosh · 25/03/2018 02:20

Yes, in my opinion your posts are moronic. And quite sad.

stitchglitched · 25/03/2018 02:22

Cady do you think the vast majority of men who don't change their name on marriage are weird then, or just the women who don't?

CadyHeron · 25/03/2018 02:26

Cady: why his name? Why not your name?

Really doesn't bother me.See, I can see the argument why is it his name over mine, but when it comes down to it I'm totally OK with taking it.

elefunk · 25/03/2018 02:26

My DH is a feminist, my dad a misogynist.
DH suggested we make up a new name entirely, but I like the one he's got, so I took it.
Never considered keeping my 'family' name, (my real family name is my middle name, the same name as all the females in my family, I love that it's been passed down by every generation, a subtle fuck you to the patriarchy Grin shock DF refused it when I was born... DM put it on the birth certificate anyway!)

GrockleBocs · 25/03/2018 02:26

I have no issue with my dc having a different surname to me. I just never felt that mattered. Their bc have my maiden and married name on for clarity.

TheJoyOfSox · 25/03/2018 02:26

I took my husbands surname, if I hadn’t, I’d still have my first husbands surname!
Call me old fashioned but I’m rather proud to be Mrs. Sox. I like being Mrs and I like the world to know we are married.
If you don’t want to take your DH name I don’t think anyone judges you these days.

Gennz18 · 25/03/2018 02:27

Quite weird to take the view that my family, with DH, me, DS, DD on the way, cat, dog, shared mortgage, 9 years of marriage, 16 years together is somehow less of a unit than if I had DH's name.

I'm not offended, but I think it reflects poorly on the intellect and imagination of the people who hold that view!

Also funny that my 3 year old can grasp it but it seems to be too complex a concept for some adults...

squoosh · 25/03/2018 02:28

I took my husbands surname, if I hadn’t, I’d still have my first husbands surname!
Call me old fashioned

Well I won't call you old fashioned. As you've been married, divorced, and married again. And nothing wrong with that.

CadyHeron · 25/03/2018 02:31

Yes, in my opinion your posts are moronic. And quite sad.

In my opinion I find those that think other women are moronic or sad for holding a different to themselves pretty moronic or sad in themselves.
We're not some group think. We're individual people.
Stop making people think feminists are against everything male that comes across on these boards and you'd get a lot more on board.
(Great job Man Friday, not derailing, just saying we'll probably agree on that hopefully at least Smile