Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

If you want a single family surname the simplest way to do it is still for the woman to change hers, most places just want to see the wedding certificate. For a man to change his I believe still takes a deed poll. This ought to change and gradually the conversation might become about who is going to change their name rather than if the woman is going to change hers. In the meantime I wanted my DS, myself and my DH to have the same name so I changed mine.

Not everything that has a gender bias is sexist.

No, but when you look at them, most do. What’s the non-sexist basis for women, rather than men, changing their names on marriage?

More women have time off work with a baby but I don't believe that's sexist for example.

It was pretty sexist that until recently only women had an entitlement to time off work to have a baby. And the implications of women disproportionately taking that time off are pretty significant.

Some things are tradition, some things are biology, others of course are sexist.^

Pretty much anything with a gender bias that isn’t based on biology is sexist in some way, I think. And many that are based on biology are also sexist.

Most traditions that result in significant gender splits are sexist. Society is currently pretty sexist but it was infinitely more so even in the very recent past, let alone when these traditions first sprang up.

What’s the clear and compelling argument for an alternative cause for the gender split in name changing? What biological or gender imperative makes a woman more likely to be willing to change her name than a man?

I think you are extrapolating to suggest that everything that has a female gender bias is sexist.

No, just those that originally came out of extremely sexist practices and continue to fall disproportionately on women with no underlying reason of why it is logical that women should continue to be the ones to do so.

'Society' won't change unless people do something about it!

Just another point, if your husband's birth name is his name then a woman's birth name is her name. If brides insist their birth name is their father's name, why are they happy to exchange it for their father-in-law's name?

It’s a royal pain in the arse when you get divorced. As half of you will. Not you obviously. But definitely everyone else. (Cynical lawyer)
I don’t touch divorce but I have never changed my name. Why would I? If a man wanted us to have the same name then he can change his

It isn't common for women to keep their own names. Most women take their husbands name. What makes you think otherwise?

I look at it like this, your name is important as an identity. Alot of women change their names when they get given a diamond ring and wear a big dress. If your name wasn't important men would change theirs. Add to that the number of people who get divorced you can end up with women having 4 or more names on their DBS. You wouldn't see a man doing that so it has negative connotations to all women not just those who decided to change on marriage. It basically says to the world we don't take our identity seriously and will just happily be taken over by a man at the most fundamental of levels.

I also fail to understand the argument around sharing a familiar name when you have kids, why is it assumed you would name the children solely after the father?

I took my husbands name, he was open to me keeping mine or taking his, if we'd have wanted to we could have come up with a completely new name 🤷🏻‍♀️

I didn't feel it was a big sacrifice of my identity or some huge anti feminist action, I just wanted to have his name, my choice.
I don't feel it means I belong to him now, it's actually more we belong to each other, I like it, it's nice.

I did keep my title as Ms though.

Genuinely curious as to whether those who oppose taking the name of their husband (which is fine, it's all fine as long as you're happy) feel the same about wedding or engagement rings as a sign of ownership?

Both DH and I wear wedding rings, so....

But as I said earlier, many of us make unfeminist decisions, because culture and ‘choice’ are complex and we all live and are influenced by our society. I wore a big white dress on my wedding day, knowing about the really awful sexism of the symbolism.

I’m honest enough to own that it wasn’t a feminist thing to do, and that it’s a sexist tradition that I supported and perpetuated.

Genuinely curious as to whether those who oppose taking the name of their husband (which is fine, it's all fine as long as you're happy) feel the same about wedding or engagement rings as a sign of ownership?

It’s one reason I don’t wear mine anymore, yes. DH doesn’t wear his either. I also don’t use Mrs. I don’t see why women should be the only ones announcing their marital status to all and sundry on introduction.

We both have wedding rings. Engagement rings, absolutely that’s a sexist tradition. Pretty though mine is I dislike wearing it for that reason alone.

But also: I think it’s okay to do something that comes from a sexist tradition. It doesn’t make you a bad person, we all make compromises in some areas of our lives. (White wedding dress here!)

This isn’t about whether individual women’s choices are right or wrong. It’s about the world outside our individual choices. It would be incredibly shortsighted of us to say “well okay, 80% of women are changing their names and 1% of men are, but we aren’t legally forced to therefore it’s all just personal choice and nothing broader is happening.”

It's nearly our 30th wedding anniversary and I have never taken my husband's name. I have lots of friends married around the same time who didn't change either so it's hardly new! It;s only a name - I'm identified by my first name - that's all that matters.

Genuinely curious as to whether those who oppose taking the name of their husband (which is fine, it's all fine as long as you're happy) feel the same about wedding or engagement rings as a sign of ownership

Definitely. I'm not married (and as the ranty poster up thread mentioned as if it were a negative or shameful thing - I've never even been asked - send your pity and scorn this way! ) But I wouldn't accept a proposal. Any decision to get married would be just that - a decision following a chat. I wouldn't accept an engagement ring - not only because men don't also wear something to show they have been claimed prior to the wedding, but because the diamond industry is dodgy AF. I wouldn't wear white. There is no way in hell my father would 'give me away' or even just 'walk me down the aisle'. Also my groom wouldn't stand at the front whilst I trotted down the aisle towards him, he's getting married too - we can walk down together. I'd only get married in a register office and I'd only invite my mum because she'd be upset if I didn't. I'd rather have no one but the witnesses (who I'd be happy to pull off the street). It's signing a legal document - I don't invite 100 guests to come and watch me sign the lease to a flat or get my will drawn up.
The only reason I would get married is because it is the quickest and easiest way to become each others next of kin, gain power of attorney and share all assets. If heterosexual couples could have civil partnerships I'd do that instead.
The romance is in your life together - and the adventures you go on. Not in one day steeped in misogynistic and patriarchal traditions.

I sometimes wear my wedding/engagement rings, sometimes other rings, sometimes no ring. Today is no rings - didn't go with my outfit. Sometimes don't wear it for weeks.

If heterosexual couples could have civil partnerships I'd do that instead.

Me too.

A lot of marriages end in divorce (50% maybe) and the vast majority of single parents are women. Therefore if you really want to ensure the children have the same name as you, the sensible thing is to give them the mothers surname and if the husband wants to change his name so everyone has the same surname, he can.

You’re welcome!

How often have we see women on here getting remarried or divorced and fretting about name changing. There’s a simple solution people- keep your own name or if you don’t like it change it to something you do like of your own volition.

I think the point still remains that changing ones name is a matter for the individual and though not a feminist act is not an anti-feminist act either as some have claimed.

Op do what pleases you. I have two daughters and I will be proud of them if when marrying they keep their given name, if they change their name, if they create a new name, if they have a civil partnership, if they join a nunnery or if they have five children but remain single. I am proud that feminists have made all these options and more possible and don't intend judging their decisions by a set of standards which no longer apply.

i wear a ring - i like to wear a ring

i took my dh's name back in the 1980's and wish i hadn't - so i dont use it now and go by my maiden name, always had my own bank account in my maiden name and i think it is silly to have a joint bank account.
i go by Ms. becuase i like to keep people guessing.

I just never thought having my father's name more feminist than having my husband's name so, other than changing my surname by deed poll to Rainbow or some such, I decided early on that I would simply go for the one I liked best/was easiest to spell. It's a personal choice though and I would not judge someone for doing their own thing.

But if your name was your father’s name, then your husband’s name wasn’t his name either, surely? It’s his father’s name.

It doesn't work like that. Women have their father's name on loan. Men have their own name.

Apparently.

Getting married this year - DP knows that I don’t want to change my name for his (or anyone’s) and I never will.

Partly it is because I have a reputation/brand (small but growing, I like to think!) in the industry/for media appearances etc. and I want to maintain that recognition, but partly it is because I just don’t see why I should have to for tradition’s sake (we don’t want children so that isn’t an issue).

I wouldn’t judge anyone else for doing so though.

What I will never understand is why people simply can't admit that they make choices to go along with the flow of society?

There's no shame in it.

There are many factors that go into making a choice and they are different in this instance for men and women.

Things that women potentially have to consider when deciding whether to take their husband's surname or keep their own: Do I like husband's surname? Will my in-laws be pissed off if I don't take their name? Will my husband be pissed off if I don't take his name? Tradition. Feminism. Romance. Do I care that much?

Things that men have to consider: errr. nothing.

There's no shame in taking someone's name. We all do stuff that fits in with society, especially if it doesn't really bother us in the first place. But let's not pretend that they are equal choices.