Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

Several posters on this thread seem to be reading words that aren’t actually there.

We’ve lived over ten years as a “family unit” without all having the same name. Difficulties it has caused? None.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon Play around with it, you might find something that just 'fits'. I had already done a deedpoll years before, so my surname was one I picked. When DH and I got together we took beginning of one and the end of the other and put them together because he didn't suit mine and I didn't suit his. The merging just fit with us both.
Now we have DC, they have our name too.

iggi999

if we can’t be judged by the choices we make, what can we be judged on??

Maybe don't judge people at all?

Then why aren’t more men doing it, Fruit?

We all judge people on a thousand different things. Don't pretend you don't.

We should stand together against the things that really matter not quibble over things that no longer have any real relevance.

No real relevance.......in your opinion.

Hmm, but in terms of a life well lived, we need to judge ourselves even if no one else does.

For God's sake. Back in the 70s we fought for women to take charge of our lives and make the decisions that were right for us. Never did we ever envisage that 40 years later women would be judging one another and squabbling about changing their name on marriage.

Change it or don't change it but please don't fight one another over a personal, individual decision. Don't we have bigger battles to fight still?

DryIce
to me it feels like coming from the same place as women not being able to own property or work after marriage or pursue higher education.

But we can do all those things and many of us do them before marriage. So why does it still matter when it no longer means any of that. (In fact it no longer means anything at all)

People really should try and refrain from judging other people to make themselves feel superior

We should stand together against the things that really matter not quibble over things that no longer have any real relevance. It may have traditionally been seen as ownership but it isn't now is It?

And what really matters is determined by...?

That so many women change their names on marriage, and hardly any men do, is part of a broader sexist society. I don’t think trying to convince people not to change their names is particularly helpful or productive to changing that culture (apart from being very rude) so I keep my views to myself unless asked - or criticised for my own choice.

But when asked, I won’t refrain from pointing out that all choices made by feminists aren’t equally feminist, and that the choice of women to change their name is based on a culture that is still pretty sexist. It’s not ‘just tradition’. Symbols, names and signals have weight and value.

I’m just baffled by those who will argue to they’re blue in the face that their choice was absolutely free and unfettered by any sexist values, beliefs or expectations in our society. Is it ok to say that?

But it does still matter. Men don’t like the idea of changing their names, in general. If it’s so harmless, not sexist at all, why aren’t they all clamouring to do it? Why is it overwhelmingly women making this choice?

Asking these questions is not mean and judgy and ‘squabbling’.

So why does it still matter when it no longer means any of that. (In fact it no longer means anything at all)

If it doesn’t mean anything at all, why do so many women do it, and so few men?

*53rdWay

Then why aren’t more men doing it, Fruit?*

A few reasons I think:
1.change takes time and it only really the last couple of decades where this was considered socially acceptable
2 because it doesn't matter enough to most men and a lot of women.
3 most women getting married these days grew up with a last name which was their dad's and it's always been assumed they would take a husband's name. To not do so is more of a big deal and many of us don't see it as enough of an issue. This will gradually change as society changes.

I am not trying to argue it's not rooted in sexism. I an arguing that it is no longer sexist and people do it for traditional/romantic and practical reasons.

To not do so is more of a big deal and many of us don't see it as enough of an issue.

Well yes, exactly!

So if it’s rooted in sexism, and people are still doing it, and it’s expected of women in a way it’s very much not expected of men - how is that not still a product of sexism? You can legally keep your own name, but you’re socially pressured against doing so.

I am not trying to argue it's not rooted in sexism. I an arguing that it is no longer sexist and people do it for traditional/romantic and practical reasons.

But the data says that it is still sexist, because it’s almost exclusively women who go through the hassle. Because it matters to both men and women that women change their names.

The tradition is sexist. The tradition is ‘women change their name when they get married to create the new family unit’. That’s inherently sexist, because either sex could do it, but the tradition places the responsibility on the woman.

I can honestly say that no pressure was put on me to change my name, neither has anyone ever questioned it. That could be because I'm such a scary old dragon nobody would dare.

Ah yes romance the great big friend of feminism.

Now I like a bit of slushy romance but on the other hand I know that it can be manipulated and abused to keep women in their place.

Make these decisions if you have to but remember where these traditions come from and don't kid yourself they are not sexist.

JassyRadlett

Not everything that has a gender bias is sexist. More women have time off work with a baby but I don't believe that's sexist for example. Some things are tradition, some things are biology, others of course are sexist. I think you are extrapolating to suggest that everything that has a female gender bias is sexist.

Ah yes romance the great big friend of feminism.

Is it just me who finds this comment sexist? Plenty of men love romance. Many are feminists.

I'm mid-late 20s and I only know 1 person who has kept her surname and one who double barrelled (as has her h) out of the millions of my f&as that get hitched each summer atm.

I really, really don't care what people choose. DP is the last of his name whereas I have male cousins with my surname who have DC. The world won't end depending on whether I keep mine or take his or double barrel or start again.

Well what, is it biology that means women change our names and men don’t?

The personal is political.
(Haven’t written that for a while!)

Ah yes romance the great big friend of feminism

Is it just me who finds this comment sexist? Plenty of men love romance. Many are feminists

And romance and romantic ideals can have a big impact of female feminists and male feminists. Did I imply otherwise?

Although to be honest I know a few men who admit to liking romance but they are all gay. It might be my limited social network but I don't know any man who would openly say they were romantic despite the fact that a lot of them are actually romantic.