Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Taking husbands name

720 replies

luelle · 24/03/2018 18:59

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

OP posts:
NFATR · 27/03/2018 14:52

or any 'ism' there are certain actions and statements that are fundamentally opposed to it - so for example, if you believe that there should be zero income tax, no inheritance tax, and no public healthcare, you are not a communist

Oh dear, could you be any more wrong? You can be a communist in that situation by not believing there should be any income or inheritance to tax in the first place.

If you don't understand simple fundamentals, you probably shouldn't be pontificating on other people.

BertrandRussell · 27/03/2018 14:55

“I'm fine to not be a feminist then by your definition, Bertrand. It's too restrictive”

I haven’t given a definition. Or said that anyone who makes an anti feminist choice is not a feminist. She might not be. But she might also be a feminist who on this occasion has made an anti feminist choice.

53rdWay · 27/03/2018 15:00

You must be able to easily if you feel qualified to tell the rest of us that we are not feminist?

I have not ever done this. I have said about fifteen times that I, myself have made a lot of non-feminist decisions, that every woman does.

You’re getting worked up over stuff I didn’t say and don’t think.

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:03

Is that a no? You think its ok to say that feminism is an objective thing, easily defined so that you can tell people when they are not feminist, yet you can't actually define it for us at all?

Any of you? Should be easy, if you think its something that is objective and obvious.

No thought not.

saf1ya5 · 27/03/2018 15:09

In my life I've done quite a lot of things that are women-orientated. I've worked with sex trafficked women, sexually abused girls, taught in Northern Pakistan and tried to get girls to come to school and participate. I just don't appreciate being told how I should feel in my personal life.

If being a MN feminist means (whether I like it or not), I must by definition strive to have non-differing roles with my husband in all areas of life; keep my own name; not depend on him financially; be working to earn money at all costs in order to be a good role model for my children; tell all women they should aspire to the same values as me; etc etc - then I have to say it sounds like hard work and a fairly hollow existence.

53rdWay · 27/03/2018 15:10

Christ, NFATR.

Feminism is a movement for the liberation of women and girls from patriarchy.

Now, care to address the point where you’re berating me for things I didn’t say, or is that getting in the way of your righteous fury?

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:11

Feminism is a movement for the liberation of women and girls from patriarchy

There's an awful lot more to it than that, I think thats rather a poor definition.

Now, care to address the point where you’re berating me for things I didn’t say, or is that getting in the way of your righteous fury?

Arrogance showing again, who said I was only talking to you? There were a few of you talking similar bullshit at the same time, you were only one of them.

ItsuAddict · 27/03/2018 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:17

I would imagine you don't want to engage further since you can't answer a simple question and don't understand some basic things that you still feel qualified to comment on.

How about you stop telling women they are not feminists and I won't say another word? Seems fair.

ItsuAddict · 27/03/2018 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/03/2018 15:19

feminism
ˈfɛmɪnɪz(ə)m/Submit
noun
noun: feminism
the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.

BertrandRussell · 27/03/2018 15:21

You do seem to be doing a lot of extrapolating from the statement "A woman who changes her name on marriage is making an anti feminist choice"!

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:21

the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes

Ok, and how is changing ones name on marriage not advocating for womens rights on the grounds of the equality of the sexes?

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:22

You do seem to be doing a lot of extrapolating from the statement "A woman who changes her name on marriage is making an anti feminist choice"!

Since all I have extrapolated is that you are not in charge of what is an anti feminist choice, I have no idea what you are referring to.

JassyRadlett · 27/03/2018 15:28

NFTAR, you seem to be struggling with this, and it is a little nuanced, I’ll agree.

A non-feminist action or choice does not mean someone isn’t a feminist - that is, that they are not committed to achieving equality between the sexes (which is the goal of feminism).

We live in a society where socialisation, culture, expectations are not equal, and we make our choices in that context. I think it’s a pretty rare feminist who hasn’t made anti-feminist choices.

53rdWay · 27/03/2018 15:29

Arrogance showing again, who said I was only talking to you?

Well I mean, you directly quoted me and then told me to answer your question, but okay?

For the twentieth time:

  • Feminism has an actual real meaning;
  • All women, feminists or not, make non-feminist choices to exist in this world;
  • Changing your name to your husband’s on marriage is one of those non-feminist choices.

You’re determined to see this as a bunch of mean women screaming at you, personally, that you’re not a feminist and we are. I don’t know why you wish to see it that way.

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:29

No, I'm not struggling in the slightest, its very simple.

none of you eejits are qualified to tell the rest of us what definitively is or is not a feminist decision.

Why are you struggling so much with that?

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:31

You’re determined to see this as a bunch of mean women screaming at you, personally, that you’re not a feminist and we are. I don’t know why you wish to see it that way

I don't see it that way at all. Why would I think it says anything about my feminism, when as I said already I did not change my name on marriage?

As I said, you do not understand anything you speak of, even the motivations of the person you are arguing with!

53rdWay · 27/03/2018 15:32

In what way is changing your name to your husband’s, in line with patriarchal tradition, a feminist choice?

It isn’t.

It might be the right choice for you personally, it might be something you really want to do and love the idea of, but what it can’t be is a feminist decision. Not by any useful definition of feminism.

You seem to be seeing “not a feminist decision” as some sort of insult or attack.

53rdWay · 27/03/2018 15:34

As I said, you do not understand anything you speak of, even the motivations of the person you are arguing with!

You’re repeatedly yelling at me for, and I quote, feeling “qualified to tell the rest of us that we are not feminist“.

I haven’t done any such thing.

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:37

You seem to be seeing “not a feminist decision” as some sort of insult or attack

No, I'm seeing "I decide what is and is not feminist" as an attack on all women who don't agree with you. No one died and made you and your ilk here gods of feminism.

YOU. DO.NOT.GET.TO.DECIDE.WHAT. IS.FEMINIST.AND.WHAT.IS NOT.

Are you still confused by my point?

53rdWay · 27/03/2018 15:39

Plenty of things are not feminist. Why does this thought make you so angry? Do you think everything in the world can be feminist as long as somebody feels it is?

BertrandRussell · 27/03/2018 15:40

Feminism is the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

A standard definition which I think covers it.

It is very important to differentiate between “this woman is not a feminist” and “this woman has on this occasion decided to make a non feminist choice”. The two statements are often conflated. Particularly on Mumsnet, in retrospect.

Americantan · 27/03/2018 16:12

Ok, and how is changing ones name on marriage not advocating for womens rights on the grounds of the equality of the sexes

It promulgates the notion that women belong to men. It’s insidious. And even Saf agrees a woman changing her name of marriage is a sexist tradition.

Cuppaqueen · 27/03/2018 16:21

I'm dipping back into this debate rather warily but...

Ok, and how is changing ones name on marriage not advocating for womens rights on the grounds of the equality of the sexes?

Surely performing an act which is overwhelmingly done by only one sex (ie name changing, by women) is not grounded in equality of the sexes; in fact is promoting sex difference in society. It creates a situation where, of two supposedly equal individuals, only one has a name that is worthy of being held from cradle to grave, only one can pass that name on to equally shared children, only one will bear the inconvenience and in some cases sadness of surrendering their name (and perhaps reclaiming it later if the marriage fails), and only one will be repeatedly asked whether and when they intend to do it. (Clue: it's not the man!)

I accept that people can have varying interpretations of certain aspects of feminism but I really struggle to see how name changing could ever be called a feminist or even a neutral (neither feminist nor anti-feminist) act. Those who are defending it, please explain why - I am genuinely mystified.

(As pp have said, choosing to do it anyway doesn't necessarily negate you being a feminist!)