Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

No I didn't say that did I?

Well no, but you’re not changing your name to hers, so...?

Although now that you ask, no I wouldn't be feeling at all proud due to that family's treatment of her.
A loving, welcoming family? I'd be okay at a dble barrel and suggested this but that was firmly rejected by herself.

So.....because I said she would be proud of my name you had to ask why am I not 'proud' to have her name.
Weird thinking there.

Why be okay at a double barrel though? (Assuming her family were decent, they do sound pretty awful.) Why not be happy and proud to change your name entirely?

It’s because women are brought up to think our names are temporary and it’s a sign of loving commitment and family unity to change them to our husband’s, and men are not.

MrPan, my question is really around why you think her name is a reflection of her family, rather than her?

I assume you think she’s lovely. So if she had asked you, why wouldn’t you be proud to take her name because it is reflective of such a lovely person, regardless of her family?

Ah, you've decided on motivation and outcome for her and me already. Many thanks.

Well okay then, what’s your theory for why so many women are proud to become Mrs Hisname but so few men are proud to become Mr Hername? If it’s not socialisation, what is it?

You are all just reiterating the point I was trying to make. Do you think I'm not aware that everyone is socially conditioned? This is unavoidable. Life can never be a vacuum and it pointless to pretend otherwise.

The point is, I know I am conditioned. I know my husband is conditioned. However, I have to be honest with myself about what I want - to the best of my knowledge and self-awareness. If I have to deny what feels natural to me or DH has to deny what comes naturally to him (not in terms of the name changing issue particularly, but in all kinds of areas in our relationship that people may call sexist), then it's just replacing one set of restrictions with another.

Fuck me, it's fairly simple. She wishes to rid herself of her family name - adores my sisters ( and me a bit, hopefully....) and that makes her happy. I would have been happy with no change or a mix. She didn;'t wish that.

Taking her name wouldn't be reflective of what a lovely person she is - it would be reflective of her family. And they are categorically not lovely. Neither of us would wish that identification.

Again, I concede her family specifically sound pretty awful, I’m not asking why you wouldn’t have changed your name to their specific one. I’m more curious about why you said you’d only go as far as double-barrelling.

This is a genuine question: I know loads of men who say they weren’t at all bothered about what name their wife took, but zero men who changed their name to their wife’s.(Two double-barrelled). Why aren’t more men doing this?

People can make whatever choices they want to. Some of those are feminist. Some of them aren’t. A woman changing her name on marriage could be doing it for clear sighted reasons that make it the best possible choice for her as an individual. But it cannot ever be a feminist choice.

People can make whatever choices they want to. Some of those are feminist. Some of them aren’t. A woman changing her name on marriage could be doing it for clear sighted reasons that make it the best possible choice for her as an individual. But it cannot ever be a feminist choice

YOU don't get to decide what choices are feminist and what aren't, and you certainly don't get to tell other women that their motivations are not good enough or not feminist enough.

But it cannot ever be a feminist choice.

Oooooh I'm not totally sure about that. Esp IF that concludes it MUST be an anti-feminst choice.

Nah, “feminist” means more than just “a woman is choosing to do this”. Some things aren’t ever feminist choices to make.

That may or may not be true but its not for you to say.

Jesus, how fucking arrogant can some people be?

Yes it is. “Feminism” has an actual objective meaning, it isn’t just “whatever you want it to be.”

I’ve made plenty of non-feminist choices myself.

Some things are by definition anti feminist. Perpetuating a patriarchal tradition where a woman symbolically subsumes her identity into that of her husband is one of them.

I am sorry if you don’t like it. Doesn’t make it any less true.

Yes it is. “Feminism” has an actual objective meaning

Does it now? And has anyone ever agreed on what that is? Because you really should have a press conference and tell everyone that a hundred years of talking about it was a waste because you know it all.

I am sorry if you don’t like it. Doesn’t make it any less true

It's just your OPINION. It's not a fact.
Sorry of you don't like that, but it doesn't make it any less true.

Does it now?

yes. Feminism actually means something. You can claim “Feminism means large stripy animals, therefore this is a feminist zebra!” if you want to, but it’s still going to be nonsense.

Like I said, I’ve made plenty of non-feminist decisions myself - we all make compromises living under patriarchy, for whatever reasons. I find it odd that you’re simultaneously defending the act of women changing their names on marriage, while also getting a lot angrier than I am about the idea that it’s okay for people to make non-feminist decisions.

I'm fine to not be a feminist then by your definition, Bertrand. It's too restrictive. Life doesn't just happen on a theoretical or intellectual level as far as I'm concerned. Humans are driven by emotional, sexual and psychological factors that it seems to me your feminist theory can't relate to. Human nature is contradictory and so if feminism is about rigid definitions and intellectual dogma, then it's not for me.

Feminism actually means something

go on then, if you're so sure that you know exactly what feminism means and what is and is not feminist, please define precisely what it means for us all.

You must be able to easily if you feel qualified to tell the rest of us that we are not feminist?