Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

Of course it matters what your name came from originally. Names are passed down the patriarchal line, so whether you like it or not, you do in fact have a patriarchal name. It's just your father's and the men before him, rather than you husband and the men before him.

I was putting feminist in inverted commas because it means different things to different people, especially in this issue.

To be feminist in the sense I think you understand it, you could choose a new name, take your mother's name or you and your DH could use his mother's name and pass this on to the children.

If you got "your" name from a male line, it's delusional to think that keeping it, as opposed to changing it for a name that came from a different male line, is somehow more liberating.

So, a man can inherit something from his father and it becomes his own; a woman cannot inherit something from her father in a way that it becomes her own, rather than still her father’s.

Quite a logical leap. Fits quite nicely with your views on double-barrelling though.

The problem with your suggestions saf is that they all still involve a woman changing her name on marriage. Which is a chattel custom. You cannot say that of course it matters where a woman's name comes from whilst then suggesting ideas that involve an adult woman changing her name on marriage, ie by extension saying the origins of the custom of name changing don't matter.

Names are passed down the patriarchal line, so whether you like it or not, you do in fact have a patriarchal name.

Yes. But I decided to make it mine, rather than treating it as borrowed and as a ‘man’s name’. I made it mine, permanently, in the same way as my brothers did. I broke the cycle of sexism.

My name is part of my identity. Particularly as an immigrant, the ties to my family and my roots are particularly important to me. I saw no reason to change it simply because I had inherited it from my father.

And as a result, my children have a name, ‘naff’ though you may think it, passed down through both the matriarchal and patriarchal lines.

They can make their own choices in the future, hopefully unfettered by sexist notions that men’s names can only go to men and that to be feminist, women can only have names that come from women.

And people call feminists ‘man-haters’. Weird old world.

I'm not saying it's fair or equal fgs! It's clearly not. It is what it is - for now at least. It just irritates me when women berate other women for taking their husband's name when the fact of the matter is, they probably have a patriarchal name anyway. So changing it or not changing it is not the issue.

I have not made any comments about double-barrelling Jenny. You must mean someone else.

Gennz18 - maybe you are 18.

Where did I say anything was "naff?"

You're allowed to be irritated if you like saf, but women abandoning their own names in favour of a man's is absolutely the issue and is less feminist than keeping their own names.

I'm not taking my fiance's name.

I have never needed the same name as someone before to be family. My half brother and sister had a different surname, so did my maternal grandparents, cousins etc. My fiance has a different name to his mum, stepdad and half brother. It never made us less of a family.

I just have no inclination to change it.

I'm 36 actually.

I don't know if you're bright or not, obviously, I haven't met you. All I have to go on is the dim comments you post on the Internet.

I couldn't legally (or at least easily) take my husband's name as I live abroad where you can't change your name from whatever is on your birth certificate. Despite explaining this and telling people repeatedly that I haven't changed my name, I still get cards addressed to Mrs Husband's surname. I think they are trying to make a point!

Your comments make you appear as rude and do yourself no favours. You don't have to agree with me, but you could show some basic respect. Most people manage it.

I was happy to change my name to my husband's because I had a complicated relationship with my own father and, in many ways, it felt liberating to leave that name behind. So yes I did associate my previous name with him.

You reLly see no difference between a woman keeping the name she was born with, and which has identified her all her life and a woman changing her name on marrying because both names come from a patriarchal tradition??

“was happy to change my name to my husband's because I had a complicated relationship with my own father and, in many ways, it felt liberating to leave that name behind. So yes I did associate my previous name with him.”

So why did you wait til you married to change it?

In my case Bertrand, no, I don't see the difference. I clearly associate my previous name with my father. Nobody chooses their father. I did choose my husband. I did choose to take his name.

Unless you married on your 18th birthday, you chose to keep your own name as an adult pre marriage. It was a decision you made just as much as your decision to then change it.

How many people actually think or bother to change their surname by deed-poll at 18 though? Unless they are going undercover or something very drastic has happened.

I'm only speaking for myself here. If other people have kept their surnames and this means something to them, that's absolutely fine. I would not have felt that way.

saf marriage appears to have given you a convenient way to disassociate with something which wasn’t positive for you and that’s understandable but was that your only motivation for taking your husband’s name?

I think it's a personal decision and completely up to the individual. However on the internet i see so many women who are against it but in real life I don't know a single woman who hasn't taken her husband's name.

I'm aware that it could just be the area I live in though.

Sorry, saf, I confused you with Pufffycat on the ‘naff’ comment because your ideas of heritability seem so very similar.

I apologise, I should have checked.

When can a woman say she has her own name?

Probably is fearful - figure I heard was 30% of British women keep their own name on marriage (although I don’t remember where I heard that!)

American - I felt as if I wanted to have his name. Call it social-conditioning, call it anti-feminist or whatever, but I'm being honest and that's how I felt.

Neither of our names are British and they wouldn't have fitted together. Double-barrelling works great for some but was not an option for us as his name has three parts to it anyway and it would be ridiculous.

I know of 2 women who kept their name on marriage and db’d the kids names and 1 who db’d her own name with her husband’s. There is a correlation to high intellect with these women.

How many people actually think or bother to change their surname by deed-poll at 18 though? Unless they are going undercover or something very drastic has happened.

I wasn't going undercover and nothing drastic had happened My surname was boring and my first and middle names were typical ten a penny 70's names.

Ok, not quite the same but this is a YouGov poll done recently.

61% of men would prefer their partner to take their name. Which is interesting because most women I know who changed their names say their DHs weren’t bothered at all, oh gosh no. Maybe more of them start getting bothered when it looks like there choice could have gone the other way?

THE choice even.