Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

“So yes, men do indeed have "their father's name." The only difference is that they tend to hold on to it after marriage.”

Yes. That’s what the thread is about!

Exactly 53rd. Either a name doesn't belong to a person if they got it from their father, in which case it doesn't belong to men either and women don't take their husband's name on marriage. Or it does belong to a person when they get it from their father, in which case a woman's name is hers, not her father's. It's one or the other. The old line about swapping one man's name for another's is an absolute logic fail.

The decisions that we take as women do have an impact on women's position within society more broadly

Itsu has it nailed. Whilst individual women hold on to their choices and preferences and what works for them on issues such as this, women as a class will be held back.

Indeed, and this is why the women who claim their choice doesn't affect anyone else are incorrect. Other women having their choice stops me from having mine, because my choice is for me keeping my own name not to be remarkable or the source of comment. Adults need to be free to do as they wish of course, but there can be no gainsaying that you do not make your choices in a vacuum. And I have the right to comment on things that affect me.

I got married a couple of years ago and I was really looking forward to taking my husband's last name! We've been together since we were teenagers, married in our early thirties, completely bonkers in love all that time (and still are!), and I couldn't wait to be a little family all of our own. I thought it was really romantic, and for me was one way of marking out that we are a little family all of our own now. (- We don't have children and might never have. Unfortunately some people seem to think this means we aren't a real "family" - but we consider ourselves to be!).
As an aside, and not sure if it matters, but my oh had no opinion on whether I took his name or not - he certainly didn't expect me to.
On the other hand, I am 100% supportive of those who choose not to take their husband's name. There are lots of extremely valid reasons not to want to do it for some, and I think it's sad that some feel they "have to" do it under duress. It's nobody else's place to make the choice for you. In fact, most women I know have not changed their name after marriage, and I applaud them for following their gut - hopefully this means a new era of women doing whatever the hell they want either way!

hopefully this means a new era of women doing whatever the hell they want either way!

No, let’s hope it doesn’t mean that. Look at the bigger picture.

I remember listening to the radio, maybe about a year ago and a woman who was due to get married had called in to say that she didn't want to take her husbands name on marriage as she loved her own name and it meant a lot to her, but that her husband to be wasn't happy about this and said there was no point in getting married if she didn't take his name. She'd agreed to put it to a listeners vote. The vast majority said she should change her name. The poor woman sounded gutted, and I hope she didn't go through with it.

That's awful. Imagine marrying someone who felt like that. It's a massive red flag.

Well the woman is swapping her name for the FIL's in theory - because names are traditionally passed down the male line

Yes. It’s a tradition. A very sexist one, don’t you think?

I'm not taking my dp's, my kids are my last name and I'm keeping it purely for that reason

I silently judge but would never say it out loud. If my daughter ever gets married and dI codes to change her name I would smile on the outside but inside would be crying rivers.

When I married 20 years ago I took my husband’s name for 2 reasons. The first was it’s foreign and I thought it sounded cool. The second was as a boost to my low self esteem so I could be “valued” for having landed a man. Maturity, knowledge and CBT have long since disabused me of both notions. I reverted to my former name on divorce and that’s the name I’ll have on my obituary regardless if I marry again.

I do completely understand the desire to advertise one's value in having hooked a man americantan. Society does a very good job of telling women we're nothing unless we've got a bloke. No great shock that some women would internalise this and wish to convey it to as many people as possible by the use of name and title.

PaulDacre it reminds me of the scene in Martin Chuzzlewit where the younger Pecksniff sister usurps her sister’s place near the head of the dinner table as she’s now married and therefore of higher status than the older sister!

I married my DH 29 years ago and I didn't take his name. I suggested he take mine as he changed his to his ex-wife's. His ex-partner also took that name by deedpoll, the week he left her.

He didn't want to change his name again-he changed in the first place because he didn't like his father or his father's name.

All good until the children came along and he really REALLY wanted them to have his ex-wife's name. So my children would use the surname of his ex-wife, his ex-partner and his child with his ex-wife.

Cold day in hell. Hyphenating sounded stupid so after much bickering they have my name. On paper his is actually a nicer name but fuck off with that noise. He occasionally gets called my surname but he survives.

A name is "yours" while you have it, of course. But that's a separate issue to where it came from. In most cases your name is inherited via a male line - so whether it's your father's line or husband's - what's the difference?

Sorry to repost my earlier comment. Yes I know this is the whole point of the thread.

My point was, even if you keep your own name, it is no more "feminist" decision than changing it because chances are, you only have that name because it was passed to you via your father and the male line preceding him.

Yes, it's just that your point is wrong.

It's unequivocally a more feminist decision to keep the name that is yours, not a man's but yours, than it is to swap your woman's name for a man's.

saf short of everyone creating a new name for themselves, we can’t move away from the fact names have been passed down from the male. But we can start to break that cycle.

If you got "your" name from a male line, it's delusional to think that keeping it, as opposed to changing it for a name that came from a different male line, is somehow more liberating.
The only "feminist" stance would be to take your mother's name (though that probably came via a male line too) or choose a new name altogether.

No, it is delusional to think that swapping your woman's name for a man's is no less feminist than keeping it. And it is delusional to think that keeping your woman's name isn't feminist. Women name changing on marriage has sexist connotations, thus a woman keeping her name is by definition feminist.

saf you're not very bright are you