Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

No idea saf, but the fact remains that you also chose to use your own name when you were an adult. That and taking a mans name are both choices you made.

It's not the same level of choice and you know it.

I would really like to see a study of those 61% of men who expect their partner to take their name and how misogynistic they are. When one of my friends was getting married I asked her if she was changing her name and she said yes, when I asked her why she said her fiance's family were misogynistic. No surprise her DH doesn't do any housework and rarely looks after the DC alone.

What's depressing about this thread is it is ingrained in alot of women that their name is only a tranistory thing that is given away so easily. It also depresses me that so many people can't understand the wider implications of their choice and how it negatively impacts on how women are viewed within society, effectively reducing us to chattel. How can we seriously want to be equal if we don't recognise the importance of our own identity?

I find it strange that it's become such a big deal about changing your name when you marry.
I could wait to change my name when I married my husband because then I had the same name as my son, I was also bullied because of my last name so there was no way I wanted to keep it

curious I’m sure people felt it strange that the suffragettes made such a big deal about women’s rights, at the time.

True NFATR, there remains a significant degree of societal expectation that a woman will cease using her birth name on marriage. Nonetheless, every adult has the right, in the UK at least, to change their name. That so many women with difficult relationships with their fathers see no reason not to keep the same name as them when they're not married, that this desire only kicks in on marriage, is worthy of comment and analysis. If that's what you were getting at you're quite right.

Not all 18 year olds know that though. Or how to go about it. Or could afford all costs involved.

My wife kept her name when we married, and the only people who batted an eyelid were her parents, who weren't happy about it.

Keeping your own name should become the norm - I'm fed up hunting our internal email directory for someone, only to remember after half-an-hour that they've just gotten married and are under a different name...

I changed my name. I don't care what anyone else does!

The costs involved are zero NFATR. A change of name deed template, which isn't even compulsory though it is very useful, can be downloaded free from the internet. Which can also teach people about their legal right to change their name when they're an adult. And even if you choose to use a solicitor, it's still much cheaper than a wedding. I should know, I did enough of the things as a trainee.

Though it's true that people didn't always used to know. I recall an interesting discussion with an older woman on here, I think perhaps sixty something, who genuinely didn't know that she had a choice about keeping her own name on marriage. The pre-google days were such a different world. But it goes back to the point about societal expectations that women will change their names on marriage.

The costs involved are zero NFATR. A change of name deed template, which isn't even compulsory though it is very useful, can be downloaded free from the internet

But they aren't. If I change my name I may need a new passport, new drivers license etc. Of course there are costs involved.

NFATR
Or how to go about it. Or could afford all costs involved.

It's not rocket science, a quick google. It's very simple and really does not cost very much at all.

did you know that when you were 18? And do you think every person in the world knows that? And do you know if its that easy in other countries?

There's no of course about it. Plenty of adults have neither passport nor licence. There have been periods in my adult life when I've had neither.

Additionally, you're attempting to make a point that changing one's name before marriage is less of a choice than changing it after marriage. But any cost that might be attached to changing documents following a name change, passport etc, will be no cheaper after the individual marries. Thus, if changing your name isn't a choice when unmarried because you can't afford a new passport, it's an identical non-choice when you are married for the same reason.

I did want to change my name when I was young (Snow Le Bon, Snow Rhodes etc) and I wonder if having had my own name for years made it easier to hold on to it.
Didn't women in the past become the class of the man they married too (hence "marrying up"), really we are just blank canvases waiting for a man to appear and turn us into something.

We seem suddenly to be widening the scope of the thread. The discussion so far has clearly been broadly about the UK and our history and customs. After all, there are societies where the concept of a woman changing her surname on marriage doesn't exist. There are cultures where surnames don't exist. So those people probably aren't familiar with the UK rules on name changing, but then it's unlikely to be of particular importance to them.

"I know of 2 women who kept their name on marriage and db’d the kids names and 1 who db’d her own name with her husband’s. There is a correlation to high intellect with these women"

Surely nobody would argue that name changing on marriage has anything to do with intellect

Do those of the most superior of intellects shun engagement rings as well?

There are a multitude of dynamics - emotional and intellectual - in all relationships and nobody can presume to judge anyone else based on a name.

Also, I admit that my DH probably expected me to take his name. I don't recall ever discussing it tbh - this was 17 years ago. Even if someone is more traditional, it doesn't necessarily equate to them being a chauvinist. All sorts of aspects come to bear on the decisions we make and intellect is just one of them.

I didn't take my DH surname because i didn't like my maiden name, i took it because i think its a nice tradition and totally look past the historic reasoning behind it. When we have children I like the idea of having the same surname and i like being a Mrs. Double barrelling wasn't for me as both maiden name and married name are long, and i think when our children get married what would they do? triple barrel the name?

My bridal hair business includes my maiden name which i thought was quite a nice thing to keep.

I think people are too sensitive when it comes to these things, some people like getting married and changing there name, some people dont - its everybodies personal choice whether its the girl or the guy - each to there own.

No, you're not getting it. You said that if you choose to keep your own name as an adult that is just the same kind of choice as changing it on marriage.

It is categorically not, but if you don't know that there is no explaining such an obvious thing to you.

did you know that when you were 18?

Yep. Used google.

It really sounds like you want to believe it's expensive or difficult, maybe to make yourself feel better? I don't know. I've done two deedpolls now, neither was difficult or a lot of money.

I'll be happier when we stop referring to 'maiden' names unless we start referring to what, 'bachelor' names (not sure what the equivalent would be for men.....mainly cos history hasn't bothered). I hate being asked for my 'maiden' name as I don't recall being a maiden. I was just born and named, as was DH. He's never been asked about what he was called before he was married.

I do feel a bit sad for women who change their name who say it's entirely their decision when actually the idea of it is most likely something ingrained in society/upbringing that has given them the idea that a family should all have the same name and that one should be the man's name.

In some countries the woman does not change her name diplomatie.belgium.be/en/services/services_abroad/registry/giving_a_name so it really is just something odd in the UK that we think it's the 'right' thing to do. I do think it smacks of submissiveness in the relationship yet I'm sure many relationships are not like that in reality and are equal, despite being under the banner of the husband. Most couples I know, the woman didn't change her name and wouldn't have considered doing so. But, recently I met someone who said I was the first person she had met. Weirdly, they wanted to see a marriage certificate if I had changed my name, but were happy for me to tick 'married' status with no proof because I hadn't changed it.

Yep. Used google

If you didn't know it was a thing you could do, how would you even know to google. Plus Google didn't exist when a lot of us were 18!

What is it with people on here who can't grasp that other people might know different things from them and have different experiences? It's both stupid and arrogant at the same time, a winning combination for sure.

saf what has a bearing on understanding the impacts that decisions made by individual women have on the class of women is intellect if you were blessed with it and then education if you weren’t. The feminist boards on mn have been extremely educational for me. My 3 friends happened to be blessed so worked it out for themselves.

We're generally talking about people in the UK though aren't we, as most people presumably on this thread are from the UK. How many people in the UK don't know how to google?
When I did my first one it was dial up internet. A search engine is pretty basic isn't it.
It's like you're looking for problems.