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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Taking husbands name

720 replies

luelle · 24/03/2018 18:59

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

OP posts:

babydreamer1 · 25/03/2018 19:51

Do what ever is right for you. I'm massively attached to my name and don't want to give it up but also want my partners name so we are going to take each other's and both have the same double barrelled name.

Not for everyone but right for us!

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 25/03/2018 19:59

It's completely your choice and just as I wouldn't impose my views on you not should others on those who keep their maiden name. Hopefully in today's society we have a choice. I've kept my name as it was important to me. I don't believe women should automatically take a mans name but it's fine if women want to. The more contentious issue in my eyes is what surname the children get (when you don't double barrel). That seems to creat uproar still!

DaenerysismyQueen · 25/03/2018 21:05

I've tried to have the best of both worlds, I'm known as Mrs Otherhalf outside of work and Ms MyDadsname at work.

Nobody can have my feminism card back because I've licked it and hid it down my trousers.

saf1ya5 · 25/03/2018 22:13

Traditions evolve and the meaning of them can adapt over time. For instance, how many people eat pancakes on Pancake Tuesday without knowing why? Or why do we celebrate Halloween? What is the point of Boxing Day? Easter just represents chocolate to most people.

Name-changing has its roots in patriarchal traditions and women know this (I certainly did) but, guess what? It's ok if it's something you still feel you want to do. I loved taking DH's name and it meant a lot to both of us.

At the risk of setting some heads spinning, he also asked for my dad's permission before he proposed. How you react to that depends - patriarchal or simply that he wanted to introduce himself to my family properly so they wouldn't worry (he hadn't known them long)? In any case, it was done with the best intentions and that is ultimately what matters. I would rather know that he'd put serious thought into proposing, than the kind of, "meh I suppose we could get married if you want," kind of proposals that seem fairly common these days.

When brides wear a white dress nowadays we all know what that symbolises, but nobody makes presumptions about virginity any more. White can also represent a fresh start or whatever you want it to represent.

Same with name-changing. If women didn't want to do it or maybe derive a sense of security / bond through doing so, it would have become extinct way before now. Women are half of the planet and keep traditions going as much as men.

ItsuAddict · 25/03/2018 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Puffycat · 25/03/2018 22:45

Depends what it is, if his surname is Dingleberry or Arsewipe I’d stick to my maiden name, otherwise I see no problem. It also makes life a lot easier when dealing with forms and legal shite

ItsuAddict · 25/03/2018 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowjoker · 25/03/2018 22:50

It's much easier from a legal pov not to change your name, fewer forms to complete too.

runningoutofjuice · 25/03/2018 23:12

I really can't think what those best intentions were saffy! Did neither man think it was right to allow you to make a big decision on your own? Please don't say you were living together and he still asked permission, that would be even more insulting. And before people jump in, I do judge people who do this, along with being 'given away', I can't help it.

BasiliskStare · 25/03/2018 23:18

Thanks Itsu - so my DS is officially DH last name ( see above post ) - I am myname - just once in a while I might have to explain but it has never been a massive problem at all. The only one I have ever been irritated by is when someone will send a cheque to Mrs DH name - I do not have a bank account in DH name at all. That is the one time it is irritating - other than that - school etc never been a problem. I simply say I am Ms Basilisk , DH name Basilisk Jnr's mother , Dh wife - no-one cares.

BasiliskStare · 25/03/2018 23:23

And Itsu yes

Basilisk surely the point is not to castigate ourselves for things we did in the past, but to debate it openly and consider whether or not we might do things differently if we had the choice again?

Cuppaqueen · 26/03/2018 00:33

None of those traditions are sexist, though. Men and women both take part in them equally (ok, my DH probably eats more pancakes and chocolate!). It's hard to think of sexist traditions where women really derive a benefit from following them.

JassyRadlett · 26/03/2018 00:40

Intrigued as I've been married several years without changing my name and I haven't yet encountered any problems with 'forms and legal shite'.

Me neither, and I’ve got one kid in the state education system and one who has had some health issues resulting in hospital stays and surgery. I travel internationally with them an awful lot. I don’t think I’ve ever had any issues not sharing a last name with DH, and our kids having different names again. Certainly no problems with forms (and I’m an immigrant, I’ve had to do my fair share of those....)

The only ‘problems’ I’ve encountered are bigots who think all good women who are committed to their marriages should change their names, and those who look down on my kids for having a double-barrelled name.

Puffycat · 26/03/2018 00:57

Itsu I mean things like filling out visa forms, easier if you all have the same surname. You know when you’re on a plane? If you have kids who have a different last name it can get tricky with some things, recently had to get a visa for DD for a school trip and because her birth certificate had my maiden name on it it was a nightmare!

Puffycat · 26/03/2018 01:04

Just wanted to throw double barrelled surnames into the mix. Your choice all the way but I think it’s a bit naff to make one up. The original doubles were heritable and we’re generally taken to preserve a family name due to a lack of sons all to do with inheritance and estates.

ItsuAddict · 26/03/2018 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LellyMcKelly · 26/03/2018 02:26

Never changed my name, never encountered a problem with it. Do regret giving my kids my ex’s surname though, mainly because it’s horrible. Wouldn’t consider changing my name if I married again.

TittyGolightly · 26/03/2018 06:37

recently had to get a visa for DD for a school trip and because her birth certificate had my maiden name on it it was a nightmare!

Presumably because you have since changed your name, not because it was different to your child’s name!

JassyRadlett · 26/03/2018 07:01

Your choice all the way but I think it’s a bit naff to make one up. The original doubles were heritable and we’re generally taken to preserve a family name due to a lack of sons all to do with inheritance and estates.

So... double barrelled names are respectable when used to gain/retain cash, but ‘naff’ (dreadful word) when used for non-mercenary reasons?

Interesting values.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 26/03/2018 07:56

Surely most women the age of those currently getting married have their dad’s surname as their maiden name anyway, so to me it’s the same thing.

No, they have their own surnames.

If you're taking the view that a surname doesn't belong to a person if their dad had it first, then unless a woman's father took an entirely new surname, it's not his name either. Apply consistency. It's no more or less logical, using your approach, to say that the woman is swapping her own name for her FILs.

saf1ya5 · 26/03/2018 08:14

Well the woman is swapping her name for the FIL's in theory - because names are traditionally passed down the male line .

53rdWay · 26/03/2018 08:38

But then it’s not his FIL’s either, because FIL got it from his dad. Who got it from his, who got it from his...

Either the names we grow up with are our own names, or nobody’s had their own surname since about 1374.

saf1ya5 · 26/03/2018 08:46

A name is "yours" while you have it, of course. But that's a separate issue to where it came from. In most cases your name is inherited via a male line - so whether it's your father's line or husband's - what's the difference?
So yes, men do indeed have "their father's name." The only difference is that they tend to hold on to it after marriage.

TittyGolightly · 26/03/2018 08:50

The only difference is that they tend to hold on to it after marriage.

THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT!!!!!

squoosh · 26/03/2018 08:52

The difference is that none of us have any say in what our birth name is but only women are the ones to adopt another person's name upon marriage.

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