Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

Two feminist points of view and both are understandable and valid.

One is that feminism means free choices to do what you want, so if you want to follow traditions now deemed sexist - taking your husbands name, wearing engagement rings, wearing a burka etc then you should be allowed to.

The other view is that these perpetuate sexism through outdated traditions because of how we have been brought up.

Its good we can talk about it, and in generations to come our children will continue to question these traditions and do things differently from us.

“One is that feminism means free choices to do what you want, so if you want to follow traditions now deemed sexist - taking your husbands name, wearing engagement rings, wearing a burka etc then you should be allowed to“

Feminism means free choices- but also the acknowledgement that not all choices are feminist ones.

I dislike double barrelled names as not seen one that doesn't sound pretentious or make me think one of them didn't want to get married.

The latter is a very odd prejudice. Why does it make you think that?

(Cheers Cuppa - I tried very hard!)

@ItsuAddict

Are you questioning the point of marriage in that case? Like I said, there are lots of reasons I’d like to be married, the same name just being one of those reasons, not the ONLY reason to get married.

I would take my husbands name because that is traditional. I am sure there are some who would say “so that makes it ok because it’s traditional?!?”. To me, yes, that does make it ok. I don’t have an issue with taking my partners name so why would I not follow tradition? Don’t get me wrong, if his name was Mr Butkiss or something equally terrible I probably wouldn’t take it, but I have no issue with the principle of taking the mans name.

Surely most women the age of those currently getting married have their dad’s surname as their maiden name anyway, so to me it’s the same thing. They should take an entirely new surname if they are against the ‘women as property’ aspect of it.

heh, I'm in Scotland where historically women kept their names to a degree after marriage - you might be Jane Husbandsname on the census but you'd still probably be Jane Yourname on your gravestone. So, traditionally...

(Women also had more legal rights on e.g. property ownership after marriage in Scotland than they did in England. This may not be unrelated.)

@ItsuAddict I think you are massively over thinking this. Taking his name does not make me his property anymore. I appreciate the historical facts you have listed - thank goodness all of those laws are no longer in place. If the biggest issue you can find to take offence to is a surname then we as a society are probably in a good place. After all, whichever surname you choose to have is legal, and your choice so really no feminist issues that I can see. And no, I don’t think changing my name will be taking away from my identity at all. I don’t actually think my surname has anything to do with my identity. In my personal circumstances it may be beneficial due to actions of my father (who’s surname I have) and no longer being associated publicly with him (if that makes sense). AND my whole identity according to your argument is based on my father, as I have his surname. So do I have an identity of my own or am I just going from Xs daughter to Ys wife? Nope. In me and my surname really doesn’t affect that.

After all, whichever surname you choose to have is legal, and your choice so really no feminist issues that I can see.

The feminist issue part comes in when it's almost always women choosing this, and almost never men.

It's like that chart that was passed around a while ago about how little women spoke in this year's Oscar-nominated films. In almost all of them, the female characters spoke much much less than the men did. Does that mean an individual film is wrong? Well no, plenty of good reasons why a film would have mostly male characters talking. But when all the films are like that, can you really blame people for pointing at the broader pattern and having a problem with it?

Your children know they are from a secure family unit because you changed your name CraftyGin?

Explain that one will you?

How tightly we clutch the chains that bind us.

(Rhett Butler, unlikely feminist)

I've had my name for 38 years. At what point can I start calling it my name, or will it always be my father's? And I gave my kids my surname, or is it really their grandfather's? When are women allowed to own their names in the way that men do?

"My children have a hyphenated name.

I don’t want to get married.

These two facts are unconnected."

Bertrand - Ha ha - I like this.

My Ds has my Dh's last name. When I look back ( 20 odd years ago) - it was a considered ( but probably unfeminist choice) - Guess what ? I am not perfect. I am happy if I get 80 / 20 right. (Or think I do - I know - a different thing )

Oh and also which is probably quite unusual -I studied Anglo Saxon at University. Women at that time were allowed property and inheritance . the idea of being a "chattel" of your husband only came in with the Normans ( I think ) Is this the maddest reason ever for thinking letting your children having their fathers last name is actually not such a big deal.

@ItsuAddict I am starting to regret ever commenting on this thread! The long and short of it is that I want the same surname as my OH and son as I originally stated. I do not believe that taking my partners surname will affect my identity, it is just a personal preference to not have a different “family name” to my son, as to me that feels a bit wrong. I also think it may give connotations that my son is from a broken home which he is not.

I’m sorry I can’t reply to each of your comments as I am using my phone and am just replying from memory.

Surely the main point here is that women can choose to have whatever surname they like. I should not be attacked (but strong, can’t think of the right word) for my opinion, and neither should anyone else. It is not wrong to want to take your husbands name, and it is not wrong to NOT want to take your husbands name. I thought this thread was just asking for opinions???

@slippynips if changing your name is right or wrong is up to you.

What I can say is it is NOT a feminist choice.

You decide, your choice, your responsibility.

My children know where they are from, what our family stands for, what we believe in. If other people think they are from a 'broken home' I hope my children would hold them in the contempt they deserve.