Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

DW and I went double barreled on getting married. My suggestion, we'd been together years before getting married so in some ways it felt natural to keep both names. For me I've a complicated family and there were several surnames that I had some claim to and doing it felt like I was setting out to make my own history. I think DW was happy to keep her surname as she saw it as more unusual than mine. I love the fact that there are only 3 of us in the world, it was 4 but we had to have the dog put down.

Deed poll costs nothing. Find the words on line, stick your details in the appropriate bits and get someone to witness. Remarkably easy. I'd recommend printing on nice paper as people take it more seriously, you can even buy stickers in the style of an official seal. Not necessary but people take it more seriously than on plain white printer paper.

I have kept my name throughout my life with DP, who eventually became DH. Had the children before marriage, all with my name (and DH's name as one of their middle names.) DH not at all concerned.

What did surprise me was one of his friends who said but what will it look like at school when they have different names from you? Implying he won't be thought to be their father.

Hmm, just as odd as it would if I had taken his name, we divorced, I reverted back to my name , and I had a different name from my children?

Anyway, each to their own I suppose, but I do admit I find it a bit discouraging that both my nieces took their husbands' names.

Does anyone know a groom that decided to take his wife's name on the basis he didn't like his DF's name? Or it that just a bride thing?

I think the whole concept of marriage is very out dated now.
I really don't think there needs to be such a hoo haar when you meet someone with whom you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
The whole debacle is strange.
An experiment in control if ever there was one,
Let's be honest the majority of children by the age of 14 are not living in a nuclear family unit with their biological mother and father.
If they are, then there is a good chance that one or both of their biological parents will have children to at least one other person.
So to give child the mans surname is risky as there is a good chance that the mother will not be with the father even that child has a child.
I've seen lots of instances where half brothers and sisters, step sisters step brothers all live together but have different names.
At least if a woman keeps her name and gives all her children that name, then all siblings share a name.

I can’t change my name in my native country. I have to ask permission from the king. Yep. So I didn’t change my name in the UK either in case we ever move there. Women keep their name. Quite a few times DH has been referred to as MR Prettymess but he doesn’t mind at all.

My husband automatically answers to Mr Bluelady now, says it's far easier than explaining.

“I like DH's surname better than DF's surname (which I was given at birth).“

How did DH get his surname?

Officially I have been married for almost three months, and I haven’t decided whether or not to change my name yet. These threads make me feel more confused than ever.

My maiden name was my father’s name; my married name is my husband’s name. My children know that they are from a secure family unit.

My children know they are from a secure family unit.

Your point about names is?

my married name is my husband’s name

So not his father's name? Boys get their own from birth, girls are just temporarily borrowing a man's?

My maiden name was my father’s name; my married name is my husband’s name.

Your husband's name was also his father's. Your maiden name has always been yours as well, it's not something you simply borrowed.

Actually if your own name was your father's, then your married name isn't your husband's. It's your FILs. You've taken your FILs name.

We both wanted the same name as our children and his name was nicer so we went with his. He was happy either way re names. I dislike double barrelled names as not seen one that doesn't sound pretentious or make me think one of them didn't want to get married.

“make me think one of them didn't want to get married”

My children have a hyphenated name.

I don’t want to get married.

These two facts are unconnected.

People are bore bags. I gladly took my husbands name when I got married (even though it meant the end of my fathers surname) me, hubby and DD all have the same name which is lovely.

We are a family and can be recognised as so! It was one of the main reasons I wanted to get married.

Me taking my husbands surname in no way reverses all the work done by feminists through the ages . Telling a woman she is wrong for something that she wanted to do as her choice does however 🙄

Also coming from a family where my Mum and I had different names I hated it, I once (when I was 6) told someone we weren't a real family. So everyone saying it's not important to kids the family not having the same name are talking nonsense because clearly it does in some cases!!

Well, if my DC grow up asking why we don't all have the same name I'll tell them to ask their Dad why he didn't want to change his.

Just do it or don’t. There’s no need to have a debate about it.

I entirely disagree. I think every couple about to get married should debate it, and have a discussion with their friends and family as well if they express an opinion on the matter. Something as essential to your identity as changing your name shouldn't be a default, especially when there is a strong historical sexist bias. The reasons women do it deserve to be cross-examined.

If after looking at all the options, a woman decides of her own free will that she wants to change her name to her husband's, then fair enough, I respect that individual choice. But I suspect the more it is talked about and questioned, the faster other choices will be accepted in society.

I have enjoyed reading this debate. Shout out to @JassyRadlett for being a calm and eloquent voice of reason and also to @TittyGolightly for that moving comment that your DD is the only person to have heard your heart beat from the inside - what is a name compared to that?

Personally, I kept my name (and Ms - but that's a whole other thread) and DS is double-barrelled. He can pick a preferred name when he's older if he finds it long-winded. No issues encountered so far. We are most definitely a family unit despite each having different names From my late-30s group of uni mates, about half changed, a quarter kept their name and a quarter are in a half-way house of using one name for work, another at kids' school etc. We have often discussed (respectfully) why we each did what we did. All still friends!

For me, I’d like to get married because I want the same surname as my OH and my son (amongst other reasons obviously). Perhaps if I wasn’t a Mum I wouldn’t feel as strongly about it, but I feel like it would cement our family as the slippynips family, rather than slippynips and her OH. Obviously people have their reasons to keep their maiden names (which in itself is a very old fashioned phrase - does that make me a maiden???) but for me it’s part and parcel of getting married, and is an exciting prospect. I will not lose any of my personality by becoming Mrs so I don’t really understand the issue.

At six my ds informed his teacher that his mummy had a different name to him because "she is a person in her own right".

It depends how you bring them up. Mine are secure, loved but each of us is very proud of who we are and we are all independent.

If you need a name to provide love and security you are missing out on some other really important stuff.

I changed my name by deed poll 20 yrs ago so when I got married last year no way was I changing it. My DH considered changing his to mine but it didn’t sound right (his brother changed to his wife’s name when he got married though).

He did propose (huge shock as no way was I expecting it), I do have an engagement ring (but so does he), I do have a wedding ring (but so does he). I wore an ivory dress (only because I couldn’t find a purple one I liked, he was expecting a purple dress right up to seeing me walk down the aisle). A friend walked me down the aisle (only to stop me falling over as I didn’t want to do it in my wheelchair) and no one gave me away.

My 20yr old niece asked who was giving me away and couldn’t understand when I said no one as I don’t belong to anyone for them to give me away.

Since the wedding all my friends refer to me as Ms Myname and all his friends and family call me Mrs Hisname no matter how many times I tell them that’s not my name. On honeymoon he spent the time being called Mr Myname as I had booked it, he’ll get the same when we go on holiday in July too

I changed my name as I didn't like my previous surname (my Dad's name). And had considered legally changing it several times. This way was cheaper (sort of!)