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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She called me a bad mum

154 replies

upsideup · 24/03/2018 16:35

We took DS2's friend (5) swimming today and are keeping him until 7 because his mum had an emergency with childcare, absolutely fine as we were going swimming anyway, and I like DS having play dates and the boy is well behaved and no real bother.

But I have just been told by him that I am a ''bad mummy'' because DH does all the cooking and the school run for the older children and I do ''nothing''. Also because I make my kids share food, presumably this is from a few weeks ago when we were all at a cafe and I got my 3 and 4 year old a (huge) slice of cake to share as this kids mum did at the time say 'aw, why cant they have a piece each?' And I also don't let my DS cut his hair, I do it gets cut every 6-8 weeks he just prefers to keep it reasonably long and that it has to be 'tied up like a girl sometimes', he was prepared to carry on listing reasons why but I changed the subject.

The 5 year old definately heard all that from his mum right?
Part of me is like sure we all have had a bitch about other parents before but if I was that much of a 'bad mummy' why would I be your second choice of childcare and I also would never make those comments in front of my children to repeat.

WWYD?
AIBU to ask the mum about this(jokingly or not)?
AIBU to distance myself from her?
Or AIBU to just let this go?

OP posts:
OVienna · 24/03/2018 18:03

tyranno ShockShockShock

lostjanni · 24/03/2018 18:04

is it possible the son heard it from elsewhere?
or she never said you were a bad mummy, and was just commenting about stuff that you do differently to husband, and then the son heard and feels it meant you were a bad mum?

Just tell her nicely, that her son said you were a bad mum, and let it know it hurt you but ask her to have a word with her son that you don't say that.

WeAllHaveWings · 24/03/2018 18:06

If I ask she is going to deny though isnt she?

Oh course she will and blame her son, which is why it is better done in a light-hearted manner in front of the son so he can dig her into an even bigger hole. Even if she doesn't admit it at least she will know you know and will be mortified.

GeekyWombat · 24/03/2018 18:10

I’m not sure I’d be brave enough to mention it even jokingly, but I’d definitely not be babysitting again!

roundaboutthetown · 24/03/2018 18:16

So you think she has actually said she thinks you are a bad mother, upsideup?! I doubt she would have asked you to look after her child if she actually thought that, let alone had said it in so many words to her child. He's probably accused his own mother of being a "bad mother" from time to time, too. I would be careful of accusing her if I were you - you have no idea how he mangles what you have said in front of him when you are not around either.

SandAndSea · 24/03/2018 18:29

I would tread carefully. Being a 'good or bad mummy' sounds to me more like a 5 year old's concept than that of a grown woman.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2018 18:38

It definitely sounds as though he is relying what is said at home by his parents. I would step back, do no more childcare or favours for them, they can see each other at the club.

VivaKondo · 24/03/2018 18:42

Ok I would be very careful too.
Yes it’s clearly coming from the parents (remember that it might well be from the dad too! Esp the comments about you not doing anything etc...)
But I suspect this was from a general conversation or an argument between them. It doesn’t have to be about you iyswim.

Big issue here is that if it was the father having a go at the mum for being lazy because he is doing it all and she is doing f**all in the house, can you see how you are going to open the pandora box??

ShiftyMcGifty · 24/03/2018 18:43

I also think something as simple as “bad mummy” is something a 5 year ild has summarised rather than repeated. Especially if a parent has tried to explain in roundabout way or the child just didn’t grasp it and decided it must mean “bad” because it’s not what we do, which is the right way.

You will look like a loon if you accuse her of saying that and believing a 5 year old.

chequeplease · 24/03/2018 18:48

When I was very little, i remember telling my grandma that my mum didn't like her- as id clearly overheard my mum saying this to my dad.
But I ended up being told off and carrying so much guilt because of it (I still^^ feel bad thinking about it!!)

Maybe just let it go & avoid offering childcare/play dates in the future?

Orangecake123 · 24/03/2018 18:52

I would stop being available for any future emergencies.

MissEliza · 24/03/2018 18:52

Don't drop the little boy in it but definitely don't help her out with childcare in future.

BalloonSlayer · 24/03/2018 18:53

I am not sure he is necessarily repeating what his Mum has said. You'll look a right twat if you accuse her of badmouthing you to him.

It's far more likely that in response to him whingeing about wanting McDonald's rather than home cooked food she's said "no I am trying to be a good Mummy by cooking you food." And if he's never had to share a bit of cake you would feel it was awfully sad if you saw others "having to."

If I were you I think I've just say that he'd been quite rude about the way you run your family do obviously not happy spendin time with you.

MirriVan · 24/03/2018 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotTakenUsername · 24/03/2018 19:09

Oh I like that MirriVan!

MirriVan · 24/03/2018 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Welliejellie · 24/03/2018 19:16

I would say when she comes to collect him. So and so has been fine today apart from being rude and saying I am a bad mum and list his reason. Would love to see the mother reaction.

Skatingfastonthinice · 24/03/2018 19:26

Sounds like something a dad might say, and his son pick up on.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 24/03/2018 19:27

How embarrassing for her!

Oldraver · 24/03/2018 19:41

You could have fun with this..

When she picks him say you've been such a bad Mum as DH made the food..You've been such a bad Mum as you have doen nothing with them etc...see if she squirms

Liara · 24/03/2018 19:42

I would let it go. Children do have a way of turning everything that is said into its worst possible light, and then repeating it as if it was the truth.

He may have asked his mother about some of these things and cast his own light on it. To children their own parents are perfect, anyone who does anything differently would be considered 'bad'.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 24/03/2018 19:42

Has he been picked up yet op?

DairyisClosed · 24/03/2018 19:47

He may not have heard it from his mummy. What he may have heard was a bunch of rubbish about how mummies must do all the cooking and the childcare. And then drawn an inference. It was very off for her to make the cake comment. I would have just responded with 'because I do not want them to get fat' out of irritation.

chocolatesun · 24/03/2018 19:52

Don’t jump to conclusions you can’t back up. Let it go. Kids say weird things. Life is too short!

MysweetAudrina · 24/03/2018 19:57

I had a child over for a play date recently. He told me my car was filthy ( It was), asked me why I was giving him unhealthy food ( cocktail sausages in a bread roll), asked me where were my wipes ( we use toilet roll to wipe our butts), asked me to make him eggs ( told him i didn't think we had any he started opening my cupboards to check) and so on... Kids can be weird.