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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She called me a bad mum

154 replies

upsideup · 24/03/2018 16:35

We took DS2's friend (5) swimming today and are keeping him until 7 because his mum had an emergency with childcare, absolutely fine as we were going swimming anyway, and I like DS having play dates and the boy is well behaved and no real bother.

But I have just been told by him that I am a ''bad mummy'' because DH does all the cooking and the school run for the older children and I do ''nothing''. Also because I make my kids share food, presumably this is from a few weeks ago when we were all at a cafe and I got my 3 and 4 year old a (huge) slice of cake to share as this kids mum did at the time say 'aw, why cant they have a piece each?' And I also don't let my DS cut his hair, I do it gets cut every 6-8 weeks he just prefers to keep it reasonably long and that it has to be 'tied up like a girl sometimes', he was prepared to carry on listing reasons why but I changed the subject.

The 5 year old definately heard all that from his mum right?
Part of me is like sure we all have had a bitch about other parents before but if I was that much of a 'bad mummy' why would I be your second choice of childcare and I also would never make those comments in front of my children to repeat.

WWYD?
AIBU to ask the mum about this(jokingly or not)?
AIBU to distance myself from her?
Or AIBU to just let this go?

OP posts:
bonnyshide · 24/03/2018 17:03

Yes, he's heard it from his mother.

I'd be saying 'I believe you think
I'm a bad mother because of xyz' and watch her squirm.

Of course, it'll be a no for any more favours in the future.

BlankTimes · 24/03/2018 17:03

I reckon she's said the bad mummy stuff because after seeing how different your homelife is, her son's said things to her like
Upside's DH does all the cooking
Upside's DH does the school run
Upside's kids share food
and whatever else he's observed at yours. Because kids do.

She's been ticked off because her lazy arse DH does nothing, so instead of telling him the truth, she has told her DS that you're a bad mummy for not doing the things she has to do.

Original poster
upsideup · 24/03/2018 17:03

Maybe I will wait untill shes taken him home and then text her to avoid any confrontation?

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 24/03/2018 17:05

Well no more childcare for her then.

Knittedfairies · 24/03/2018 17:06

No, don’t text her when she’s taken him home; speak to her when she comes to collect her son... so you can see her squirm.

TomRavenscroft · 24/03/2018 17:07

Well no more childcare for her then.

This.

MammaTJ · 24/03/2018 17:07

It won't be a confrontation. You say what was said, she will be mortified. End of.

Coyoacan · 24/03/2018 17:08

So you are a bad mummy because you are not a stepford wife and you do not let your children eats vast amounts of sugar?

More than the bad mummy comment (and I personally never ask a favour off someone I badmouth), I would be concerned about her horrible sexism and what she is teaching her son.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 24/03/2018 17:08

I'm Shock! And then she uses you for childcare? Cheeky cow!

CombineBananaFister · 24/03/2018 17:09

Eek, bit embarrassing but I suppose everybody talks about other people's parenting now and then so that wouldn't bother me too much. It's the calling you a 'bad mummy' for doing those things thats the issue. Different parenting to her shouldn't = bad parenting in a friends eyes and definitely cheeky to then think you're good enough for childcare.
Unless the 5yr old added that bit himself based on his mums criticisms of you that he overheard? Bit of a stretch but possible?
Think I'd remind her she might need to be a little bit more careful what she says infront of her child in future Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 24/03/2018 17:11

TBH I probably would have said in a very neutral tone "Oh? Who did you hear that from?". I mean, I'm pretty sure it was from his mother, but it could have been said in his hearing by a grandparent or even the parent of another child.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/03/2018 17:11

'Hi X, just checking you're still ok for pickup at xx? All good here, we've had a great time, has enjoyed it - even though I now know that I'm a ''bad mummy'' because DH does all the cooking and the school run for the older children and I do ''nothing'', I make the kids share food, and don't let cut his hair. Grin You'll be pleased to know I stopped him listing even more reasons why our family is a pile of crap and changed the subject! LITTLE EARS, eh?! My henpecked husband is creased laughing. Anway, see you later'

:)

FizzyGreenWater · 24/03/2018 17:14

Sorry posted too soon!

'Hi X, just checking you're still ok for pickup at xx? All good here, we've had a great time, has enjoyed it - even though I now know that I'm a ''bad mummy'' because DH does all the cooking and the school run for the older children and I do ''nothing'', I make the kids share food, and don't let cut his hair. Grin You'll be pleased to know I stopped him listing even more reasons why our family is a pile of crap and changed the subject! LITTLE EARS, eh?! My henpecked husband is creased laughing. Anway, see you later'

:)

Send her that in advance.

Then when she picks up, you can open the door with a BEAMING smile that ohhhh really doesn't reach your eyes. And listen to any blathering she comes out with and wave it away with a 'Oh, I wouldn't worry, you've got to be sooo careful, they're always listening in, aren't they?

She will be Blush

Applesandpears23 · 24/03/2018 17:16

Don’t have a go. Just repeat what he said pleasantly. If you have a go you will lose the moral high ground. It is possible he heard someone else say it not her.

quizqueen · 24/03/2018 17:17

When she picks up or asks for free childcare again then just say, 'We all had a funny conversation while your son was with us and he called me a bad mummy because of........ That's doesn't sound like something a young child wouldn't say themselves, I wonder where he heard that expression first?' Then just stand there and watch her face.

If she asks again for favours then say, 'Sorry, bad mummies don't do favours. It's a shame because your son is a nice boy and our children enjoy each other 's company.' Hopefully, she may apologise or say it was just a joke to cover her embarrassment and maybe she will have learnt a lesson and you can all start again on a new and more respectful footing or maybe not!!

happymumof4crazykids · 24/03/2018 17:19

I would have to say something. To slag off another adult to a child is a bit silly chances are she's jealous of the help you get from your OH. I think face to face is better than a text.

jasjas1973 · 24/03/2018 17:19

He is what 5yo and you are taking notice of what he says based on what he "thinks" his mum said about you? you dont know the context, whether she was joking or not, even if she said it or another parent or even an older child spoke ill of you or whether he was read a childhood story and has transferred stuff onto you.

She trusts you to look after him, so clearly does not think you are a "bad mum"

I d have a bit more confidence in your own abilities as a good decent parent and not take a blind bit of notice of tittle tattle from a small child.

quizqueen · 24/03/2018 17:19

correction...'would say themselves' not 'wouldn't'

Bluntness100 · 24/03/2018 17:20

How do they know your husband does all the cooking?

The odds are yes, it's becayse he heard it at home. But it could have been in the context of her own relationship. So for example

His dad could say " your mums a bad mummy as she's making daddy cook". Or your mums a bad mummy as she won't pick you up from school" or your mums a bad mummy, she says you can't have your own cake"

And if he's then witnessed the same dynamic in uour home, he may then translate that in his five year old head to you too are a bad mummy. I'd also say kids talk. Could your child have said it to him? And he's repeating it?

Kids say the damndest things and I would not go rushing in here, becayse there is a chance you may get it wrong, or you may tread on something that's very sensitive in her own relationship. You just don't know.

I also think it's really off to say it's the mum. Even if it comes from thr family, it could easily come from the dad.

Peeetle · 24/03/2018 17:20

Seriously? I think 5-year-olds are easily capable of coming up with bad mummy stuff themselves. Don’t talk yourself into believing that she has said all this. If you have to say something be lighthearted - because this really is very minor stuff!

Pidlan · 24/03/2018 17:21

I'm with MamaTJ. Tell her what her son said and don't ask anything. No confrontation. She will probably go, "Oh God, how awful, he shouldn't have been rude" etc- Don't comfort her. Be strong.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/03/2018 17:21

Of course everyone talks in their own home, combine. Im not going to Pretend I've never done it. You're not bugged. mind you with this Government, I wouldn't be too sure
What was said in private within the confine of their four walls is one thing. However to say it and then ask the person who you have just slagged off to mind your child, regardless of how desperate you are, is a bit hard faced. She cant care much about the wellbeing of her son. If she is willing to leave him with a "bad mother", after all. If shes such a "bad mum" why is she going to fawn all over someone else's child.

GayAllen · 24/03/2018 17:22

Exactly what Fizzy suggests.

BertrandRussell · 24/03/2018 17:23

My ds could certainly have come out with all that off his own bat at 5..........

disappearingninepatch · 24/03/2018 17:24

I'd say something at pick up or, better still, do what Fizzy says and watch her squirm. To text her afterwards makes it seem like you have an issue which, of course, you do.