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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not take my child to a party

143 replies

StorminaBcup · 24/03/2018 09:22

He’s 4. His behaviour has been shocking all week and he was warned that he if he didn’t behave nicely in the home he wouldn’t be going anywhere. This morning he has continuously snatched toys away from his little brother and hit him a few times, as well as scream in my face when he hasn’t had is own way. I’m aware that he’s really tired and needs the Easter break.
He’s now crying that he isn’t going but his brother is going. Am I right to stick my guns on this one?

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 24/03/2018 18:50

I would've done exactly as you did, Stormin.

Did DS1 notice/feel bad that he hadn't gone to the party?

TittyGolightly · 24/03/2018 19:00

The NHS recognises the term “negative parenting”.

www.nhs.uk/news/mental-health/negative-parenting-linked-with-kids-being-bullied/

cestlavielife · 24/03/2018 19:01

....while Dad and brother are at the party. In fact - it's an ideal time for him to get some downtime, 1:1 Mum time and get total control and choice of toys."

Seriously? So he gets attention and 1 on 1 time for misbehaving ?

Sounds like a great reason to play up again miss a party and get mum to himself

Lizzie48 · 24/03/2018 19:10

You did the right thing following through, OP. At that age you do need to be consistent. If it was a child from his class at nursery it wouldn't have been right to threaten that, but as the birthday boy's grandparents are friends of yours, it's something you can explain to them easily.

FWIW, I've organised a lot of children's parties now, and I would have completely understood that decision.

Original poster

StorminaBcup · 24/03/2018 19:33

He did notice and there were tears when dh and ds2 went. When he calmed down we had a chat about it and he understood the reasons (I checked what behaviour he thought didn’t show kindness and why he thought he wasn’t going to the party). He didn’t want to go swimming as he was tired and he wanted to play with Lego instead so we did that.

Thanks for link TittyGolightly. Have you actually read it? (I mean it politely, I’ve taken a different message from the research it cites).

Thanks for the support . I’m off to pour myself a well deserved Gin (just the one before I open up a whole new debate ).

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 24/03/2018 19:36

Seriously? So he gets attention and 1 on 1 time for misbehaving?

No. He got 1 to 1 time because he's not in a good way and needed to reconnect with his mum.

cestlavielife · 24/03/2018 20:03

...which is maybe why he misbehaved in the first place... so key is teaching him a good way to get attention.
What should he do.

Not just about punishment...

PorkFlute · 24/03/2018 20:13

All siblings bicker but a 4 year old regularly hitting a younger sibling isn’t typical ime and I wouldn’t be leaving them alone (ie I’d be between them or taking the older one with me to do jobs etc so it can’t happen) until your 4 yr old could be trusted. I imagine he’d soon get sick of watching you fold clothes. How old is his younger sibling? 2 or 3?

emmyrose2000 · 25/03/2018 04:50

Taking his brother is cruel to both of the children and setting your ds2 up for a potential bullying situation

So not only should the birthday person be punished by the four year old's bad behaviour, but his (well behaved in this instance) brother should be too?

Skittlesandbeer · 25/03/2018 05:03

100% follow through.

I did, and I don’t regret it. I see plenty of parents who throw threats around like confetti, with no follow through. A waste of breath, annoying to witnesses and harmful to the kid (for mine). I come from a culture that defaults to little follow through, but then massive venting OTT blowups that aren’t pretty (or useful).

Your position isn’t taken in anger, it actually makes life harder for you, so you can be confident that it is in your child’s best interests.

givemesteel · 25/03/2018 05:07

I'm not sure a 4 year old can equate their behaviour now with a punishment later on. My dc is 3 but I can only really incentivise good behaviour with something immediate and not massive, eg a TV programme or biscuit. A party in the future may be too nebulous and I think she may end up saying she didn't want to go anyway.

I wouldn't make this sort of threat again but since you have this time, to save face do what pp have done and give him an easy wash of winning back the right to go.

xmb53 · 25/03/2018 17:32

Talk to him. Tell him that he needs to be told off and that he must lose out on something. Ask him what that should be if not the party. Enforce that poor behaviour has consequences. If he can't chose anything reasonable, then yes, he'll have to miss the party as you MUST follow through on an action that you have promised to take.

MrsWhatToDo · 25/03/2018 17:37

I hate threats like this. Ive been on the 'party child' recieving end of 'x child isn't coming because they were naughty' . I was really unfair to child who had done nothing wrong and was supposed to be celebrating.

Dont punish the party kid by taking away one of his/her guests. Threaten with something that you can follow through with that only punishes the child!

manicmij · 25/03/2018 17:56

Do a trade with him ie if he does something you ask him to do and you know he isn't usually keen to do whatever it is tell him he can go to the party. There is usually a way to get round your declaration of No!

lolalola19 · 25/03/2018 18:00

Don't take him - you made the rules and he constantly broke them!

greeneyedlulu · 25/03/2018 18:34

As a fellow mum of a 4 year old i say stick to your guns!!!
Every time we receive a party invite I draw a grid on it explaining that every time he is naughty I will take away 1 square and if there are no squares left by the time of the party then no party!
Yes it's a tad mean but it bloody works!

Nousernamefound · 25/03/2018 18:44

Stick to your guns. Don’t threaten a punishment you are not prepared to carry out or the only lesson he’ll learn is he can do what he likes and there is no consequence.

smilingontheinside · 25/03/2018 19:06

I did this to my dd when she was a similar age and a family party and she has never forgotten (now in 20's ). She says that she realised that I meant what I said. I was upset as I missed out on the party as I stayed home with her and told her so. Not saying she didn't /hasn't tried it on since bit if I threaten she knows I mean it

DamnThatOnesTakenTryAnother · 25/03/2018 19:07

OP you absolutely did the right thing and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

A lot of the comments on this thread show exactly why we have a generation of kids that have no concept of what the word no means as they have never been punished for poor behaviour.

Ylvamoon · 25/03/2018 19:18

Well done! I'm glad you did it.
I'm sure he learned his lesson...

TittyGolightly · 25/03/2018 19:51

As a fellow mum of a 4 year old i say stick to your guns!!!
Every time we receive a party invite I draw a grid on it explaining that every time he is naughty I will take away 1 square and if there are no squares left by the time of the party then no party!
Yes it's a tad mean but it bloody works!*

It’s a step away from how circuses get animals to do what they’re told, I suppose.

thehairyhog · 25/03/2018 19:52

You shouldn’t have made the threat in the first place. Behaviour is 4yo communication and needs to be dealt with in the moment.

NoKnickerElastic · 25/03/2018 20:09

I have done this many years ago when my daughter was 6. Child's party was at home so no cost implications and my daughter behaved appallingly at school on the Friday (bullying). She didn't go to the party and I have never been called back to school for bullying since - she's now 10. I wonder if all the parents on here that don't follow through with punishments or think the party ban is too harsh are the parents of the so called snow flake generation who have no concept of actions having consequences.

thehairyhog · 25/03/2018 20:24

Automatically tune out from anyone who uses the term snowflake...

Sparklyglitter · 25/03/2018 20:42

Maybe not the best threat in the world but do not back down as kids have the memories of elephants and never forget!! Xx

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