to not take my child to a party

[StorminaBcup]

He’s 4. His behaviour has been shocking all week and he was warned that he if he didn’t behave nicely in the home he wouldn’t be going anywhere. This morning he has continuously snatched toys away from his little brother and hit him a few times, as well as scream in my face when he hasn’t had is own way. I’m aware that he’s really tired and needs the Easter break.
He’s now crying that he isn’t going but his brother is going. Am I right to stick my guns on this one?

If that's what you've threatened and he carried on behaving badly then you need to follow through. Next time he'll know you're serious and at 4 I don't think it's harsh at all.

Never tell a small child you'll do something if you're not prepared to actually do it. My sil used to do that all the time and my niece now behaves horribly because she knows her mother will never actually carry out the 'punishments'. They can't take her anywhere without a massive fuss or tatruns or her just being awkward.

I've always stuck to my guns however mean I've felt or however hard it is. But it means now I only have to say stop doing that or this will happen and they stop. No fuss, no arguing or tantrums. It is really worth the effort early on and I think makes for much happier children in the long run.

So he'll have time without his brother, swimming & a friend visiting?

Will he iss the party at all??

Think you are right to do this.

I would follow through on that knowing you won't inconvenience the party givers. I have a close friend who constantly threatens her child with this type of thing and never follows through. The child knows its hollow.

Cognitively children don't have the ability to understand consequences properly until they are 7.
I think at that age punishments need to be immediate.
Agree with others who suggest giving a chance to win back - and make it something achievable!

Yes, you should not take him.

I did this with dd when she was 5, she'd been awful all week and I told her that if her behaviour didn't improve, she couldn't go to her friends donutting party. She hit me and then her dad, I told her she couldn't go and then made her call her friends mum (also my friend) and made her apologise and explain why she wouldn't be going.

It was tough but it worked. Luckily my friend was very understanding and I sent her a text apologising too.

There's no point putting punishments in place if you don't stick with them.

On a plus side, we've worked out an effective reward system and her behaviour has improved and we've not had to do it again!

I agree about following through and Just remember to think through the consequences before you say them although in this instance I think it's not a big deal for the party child tbh.

crabbitstick that's rubbish. My 3 yo understood consequences!

My 4 yo wouldn't understand that consequence. Yes they'd react to the immediate impact of the punishment but wouldn't comprehend it as a lesson for the future.

I think as you've already said he's tired and needs the easter break then it would be fair enough to think he's acting up due to that, and therefore be harsh not to take him.

I agree it’s a bit harsh but the toy confiscation hasn’t really worked

Negative parenting rarely does. Look up positive parenting discipline techniques as an alternative way of dealing with issues. Eg lovebombing.

You need to 100% stick to your guns on this. He's old enough to understand consequences.

Yanbu stick to it. They need to learn about consequences and doing it sooner is easier than later

I’d give a chance to make it better perhaps if he tidied up his toys and said sorry he could go but if the bad persisted then I’d follow through with the threat. I’ve avtuslly driven home from a theme park after only one ride in a similar situation

Harsh for a 4 year old at the end of term. I would choose a different punishment that someone elses parents hadnt paid out for

Why are you punishing the birthday child?

The 4YO seems distressed, I would try to get to the bottom of that.

At 4 years old he is too young to associate missing the party with hitting his brother hours before.
You'd be better off using a time out or naughty step or something immediate

Tricky, now you’ve threatened it you probably have to carry it through, or as others have suggested, let him earn it back.
At 4 I’d have thought that immediate logical consequences were likely to be more effective. You throw a toy, it’s taken away, you hit your brother you can’t play with him so you have to go to your room / time out etc. That said, DS hasn’t reached 4 yet, so who knows, by the time I get there my high and mighty ideals may have collapsed!!

It's my dd's 4th bday party today...I wonder if it's to hers! obviously no other parties happening this weekend

But if it is to hers just FYI my pal is coming who does crazy things with giant bubbles...and there's cocktail sausages (chucking them in the oven now) what's life without a cocktail sausage??

It sounds like he is overtired or frustrated and the punishments aren't working so you need a different angle. Personally I would give him a big hug and encourage him to tell you how he is feeling but keep it all calm and loving while making sure he knows he isn't getting away with it. Given that it isn't a party of someone important to him I'd send dad and sibling and do something nice and bonding with your ds. Make sure he feels safe and loved with you and then you have a good forum to talk about what's going wrong. I've watched parents who have come down really hard on children from a young age and it just seems to get everyone wound up and continue the bad behaviour.

Tricky, now you’ve threatened it you probably have to carry it through

No you dont!
As an adult if you cannot model "Im sorry I overreacted when I said that, shall we talk about what we should do instead"
Then you are a hypocrite to expect your child to recognise when theyve taken something too far, back down, and fix it!

Whether he goes to this party or not, he will have swimming and a playdate this weekend and then ‘several other parties he won’t want to miss’. It makes me feel tired to contemplate that, let alone a 4 year old, in his first year at school (?) at the end of term. Some ‘mummy’ time seems the way to go, or stick him in his bed and hope he wakes up in a better mood.
And I would not ‘sell’ it as punishment, but as a treat that he is allowed to stay at home and have a rest, since that is obviously what he needs.

I would take him. It’s highly unlikely your friend will accept money for his place. If he’s hitting his brother and snatching he needs more supervision not unrelated punishment.

I don't think YABU. You did give him fair warning and he continued to misbehave. Therefore you have to adhere to it.

What's the point of empty threats.

Too many people seem to have a problem with discipline. It does them no harm, though.

Learn from this to keep your threats realistic.

If he isn't behaving at home use the normal time out or whatever. Saying we won't do x/y/z doesn't really compute in their heads at 4

A child of that age should understand that consequences of being mean to other people are that they are sad, upset, hurt. Not something made up, like not going to a party. I would go to the party with both kids and DH so one of us can take an 'exited child' not 'away from a party' but 'for a walk' or 'to a coffee shop for some hot chocolate and a cake' and a nice, calm, over a cake, child appropriate short talk about other people feelings. Get hypervigilant looking for any moment where he is not mean (rather than positively nice) to another person and comment on it in a positive way. Pay in attention for not behaving bad. Try to avoid too much outward reaction when bahaving bad.