to not take my child to a party

[StorminaBcup]

He’s 4. His behaviour has been shocking all week and he was warned that he if he didn’t behave nicely in the home he wouldn’t be going anywhere. This morning he has continuously snatched toys away from his little brother and hit him a few times, as well as scream in my face when he hasn’t had is own way. I’m aware that he’s really tired and needs the Easter break.
He’s now crying that he isn’t going but his brother is going. Am I right to stick my guns on this one?

If mine behave badly because they're overtired, they just go to bed earlier that night. They also have enforced relaxation time, watching a DVD, playing on their tablets, reading.

My ds and circle of friends (and parent friends iyswim?) D.C. are all teens now.

I'm seeing the results of the kids who "are just 4" "are just little" "are behaving that way because overtired" and who didn't have parents who followed through.

1 has to move schools because she wouldn't cope with a school who expected obedience and followed through.

1 is currently holding her parents to ransom because she's changed her mind on the secondary school she got allocated - which is the one she wanted.Because she's changed her mind.

1 is on final warning at school, thinks bad behaviour is hilariously funny and has such anxiety due to lack of boundaries actually says she misbehaves because if she doesn't she'll be a loner. Her and her mum can't understand why school have said enough. Mum has been saying for years she has anxiety and hasn't yet taken her to GP. School have said it's a condition of her continued remaining.

It's not cruel and unkind to set a consequence. It's a life skill children need.

As long as it won't disappoint the party boy, or financially impact the parents, then YANBU.

Otherwise you would be.

Never threaten anything you are not prepared to carry out.

quite right youarenotkiddingme

all this hand-wringing is ridiculous - OP I've had children not come to parties for that reason and I feel as a fellow parent I should be supporting that parent in their decision. Hopefully the punishment will work.

I have never used 'not going to a kids party' as a punishment for any of my kids and I have 4. And then to take his little brother just to make sure he is truly punished, he is 4 for goodness sake. Star chart and naughty step tends to do the trick tbh. Your little one is tired and needs help to cope with his frustration and tiredness not punishment. Problem you have now is how to resolve this without seeming to go back on your threats.

@FullMetalRabbit 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼Agreed.

YANBU

You’ve set an age inappropriate consequence. He’s not old enough for this.

He should be not going because he’s too tired. And his little brother shouldn’t be going either.

Taking his brother is cruel to both of the children and setting your ds2 up for a potential bullying situation.

All your ds1 will have learnt from this experience is his little brother got to go and he didn’t and that it’s unfair.

youarenotkiddingme.

I totally agree with what you’re saying about following through on consequences. However, they must be age appropriate in the first place to be effective.

I had similar recently- my dp was hell bent that my ds not go to the party as a result as that’s what would happen with his own dc.
I, on the other hand, totally disagreed. I refuse to let someone else’s child lose out or be sad because of the actions of my child. My ds got a separate punishment and party was loved by all.

Big difference in this case is that my ds was one of few invited. He would absolutely have been missed at his close friends party. In your case op I don’t think it’s an unsuitable consequence provided the party child won’t only have invited a few kids

All your ds1 will have learnt from this experience is his little brother got to go and he didn’t and that it’s unfair.

Alternatively, what ds2 learns is that he misses out because of what his brother did. How is that fair?

As someone with a 17 yr old, 5 dn's and decades of experience looking after other people's children - I find these threads are excellent for spotting the parents of children who will not be INVITED to parties in the near future.

Abuse is wrong but discipline is a necessary part of parenting and that seems to be getting forgotten imo in recent years. It does children NO favours not to discipline them. Not to teach them boundaries and what is acceptable behaviour.

Op yanbu to follow through.

1 a party is the last thing he needs if he's tired and on edge

2 kids - yep even 4 year olds - are not stupid. You back out of a threat they will smell blood 😂 it weakens your position in the future.

3 he absolutely IS old enough to understand this is a consequence of his poor behaviour

4 it would be unfair on the birthday child and their family to have to tolerate a poorly behaved child possibly upsetting others.

Graduated discipline (which the op has ALREADY DONE) is completely sensible, but at some point as a parent you have to say enough is enough or else you're going to be raising a child who doesn't understand boundaries and that is going to impact on friendships and achievements.

I've seen long term the effects of soft parenting, it doesn't serve the children well.

"I'm seeing the results of the kids who "are just 4" "are just little" "are behaving that way because overtired" and who didn't have parents who followed through." Exactly!

I've seen it particularly with a girl my dd was friends with from primary but her mum NEVER followed through. As a result she's very entitled and has lost all her close friends now, the "friends" she has now are only friends with her because of what she can provide them (single mum and nrp dad both ridiculous on material stuff to assuage their "guilt" on her not having a traditional family)

My sisters children the same is happening. We're Nc but small locale so stuff gets back to me. Her eldest (a very bright, confident child) is repeatedly getting in trouble at school, middle child is struggling to make friends, youngest is still tantrum central aged 5.

I've seen the difference with children I've minded/nannied too.

there will be plenty more parties and it would be a shame if he misbehaved and spoiled this one for himself too.

since you threatened the punishment you do need to follow through

Thanks for all of the replies, appreciate the different views! It’s hard knowing where to draw the line and my son is definitely someone who likes and uses rules, routines and clear boundaries and consequences (not just noticed by me but also commented on by his teachers, although I appreciate all kids need this!). The punishment for missing the party, I feel, fairly reflected the seriousness of his behaviour. He was given lots of chances and warnings and final warnings and the consequence was clear.

He is exhausted and he’s given lots of time for rest (we don’t have after school clubs or cram lots of activities in every weekend). He gets plenty of praise for good behaviour and we talk through why his behaviour was not ‘good’ and what we could do differently next time. We rarely get any problems when we’re out and I think he explores (pushes!!), his boundaries at home because it’s a safe space for him. I’m also an advocate of apologising to children when adults cock up and I think it’s important to model this behaviour at home. For brevity I put ‘nice behaviour’ but he understands what it is to be kind to others and what happens if someone’s behaviour isn’t kind (he’s at a school nursery in the afternoons so the concept of kindness is spoken about a lot).

Anyway, he didn’t go. GP’s of the birthday boy were fine about it (we know them really well). We’ve had a chat, a cuddle and a nap. He has a party bag that he’s allowed to choose something from after dinner provided he tries his hardest to be kind for the rest of the day.

It’s hard this parenting malarkey! Thanks again for the different points of view.

Sounds like a good choice.

Is the party at someone's house? If so then YANBU at all.

YANBU, and I think it was entirely age-appropriate. A 4 year old should be perfectly able to understand that if they hit their younger sibling and snatch their toys, they will lose out on doing fun things. It is not rocket science. My 3 year old (being assessed for ASD) fully grasps the same concept.

I also think it was right to bring the younger sibling who had not misbehaved. Clear messages all round.

If he’s hitting his brother and snatching he needs more supervision not unrelated punishment

He's 4 not 2.

OP I think you're right to go ahead with this and not allow him to the party.

youarenot - I'm with you on this one - my two are older now but like you can see those who had no boundaries, where punishments of no party etc weren't followed through - as they grow older they are self invested and have no thought for others and really don't know how to behave properly or where the boundaries are. It's very sad. Unfortunately these children grow up to be the ones no parents want to have round to visit.

Age appropriate he's 4yo! Old enough for school. Old enough for school where snatching toys, pushing and shoving is not acceptable. Old enough for school where he's expected to behave in the playground as a civilised member of school community.

Yet apparently not old enough not apply those same behaviours at home - even when given a chance to behave appropriately and threatened with a consequence.

I'm glad lots of you agree with me. Children need boundaries young to feel safe and loved. No one is suggesting hanging drawing and quartering him which Dad and brother are at the party. In fact - it's an ideal time for him to get some downtime, 1:1 Mum time and get total control and choice of toys. He will learn though his behaviour has to be acceptable in society.

He’s not 2 but he’s not behaving like a 4 yr old who can be left unattended either. The op has said e behaves well when out so I don’t think keeping him from the party was in order to spare other children from his behaviour as pps have said. This is an issue between him and his brother. I would sit down between the children and do an activities with them and any snatching or hitting could be prevented and other solutions found for the triggers to that kind of behaviour. Only when it has stopped would I think they could be left to play alone. If I had something to do the 4yr old would be coming with me until I could trust them to behave appropriately and I would make it clear that was the reason.
Out of interest op did the party host accept your offer of paying for the wasted place?

Age appropriate hmm he's 4yo! Old enough for school.

Not in a lot of countries!

School and home are not and should not be comparable. The need for certain behaviour at school does not need to be mirrored at home.

Just as workplace conditions don’t need to be replicated at home.

No they didn’t (unsurprisingly), but DH did buy the coffees as a gesture.

I agree there is a trigger (tiredness in this case), plus the boys are 2 and 4. When they are at home and I expect a bit of rivalry / bickering as they both learn to play with each other and explore relationships and boundaries. I’ve yet to speak to anyone who has children who never argue at this age. The boys aren’t left unattended for hours on end and the snatching / hitting also happens in front of us, when we’ll intervene or remove the toy if it continues (same rule for both of them).

This morning was another level and a line was crossed.

It’s clearly a devisive topic though and it just goes to show how opinions on parenting differ. Thanks again for the replies and support.

You did the right thing op - well done!

Just laughed at ‘negative parenting’ 😂😂😂 well done OP sounds like you handled it perfectly.