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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take my child to a party

143 replies

StorminaBcup · 24/03/2018 09:22

He’s 4. His behaviour has been shocking all week and he was warned that he if he didn’t behave nicely in the home he wouldn’t be going anywhere. This morning he has continuously snatched toys away from his little brother and hit him a few times, as well as scream in my face when he hasn’t had is own way. I’m aware that he’s really tired and needs the Easter break.
He’s now crying that he isn’t going but his brother is going. Am I right to stick my guns on this one?

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 24/03/2018 10:43

In future I'd say the swimming would have been the thing to cancel. That affects just him and doesn't penalise anyone else financially.

But I also agree stuck to your guns now!

CheerfulMuddler · 24/03/2018 10:46

I think parties are highly emotionally charged at the best of times, and if your kid is already overtired and wound up, you'd be doing the family and birthday boy a kindness by leaving him at home. Yes, it's disappointing not to have him there, but the last thing anyone wants at a birthday party is an overwrought four year old hitting other kids and throwing a tantrum because he's lost pass the parcel.
Sounds like a quiet morning at home without his brother and some one-on-one time with Mummy might be just what he needs. Don't over-egg the punishment angle - he's already been punished by not going to the party. Just do something quiet and loving together like spending a morning reading picture books or baking together. I think expecting him to cope with a party on top of everything else might be a recipe for disaster!

Allfednonedead · 24/03/2018 10:51

Yes, I’m with CheerfulMuddler. If my DC were misbehaving because of being overtired, no way would I take them to a party.
Not just to punish them, but to prevent them misbehaving at the party, and also to give them some downtime to recover. That’s also how I would explain it to them - not as a punishment but a consequence.

bonnyshide · 24/03/2018 10:52

I think you chose the wrong punishment, but now that you have you'll ave to follow through as if your threats are empty you will lose all the power for future negotiations with him (and kids can immediately sense when they have the upper hand...little beggars!)

Good luck

YoucancallmeVal · 24/03/2018 10:55

Not harsh at all! Perfectly reasonable consequence for very unreasonable behaviour. And if he's already That, a party will exacerbate the behaviour.

reallybadidea · 24/03/2018 10:58

Sorry but this 'you have to follow through' thing is nonsense. I agree that as a general rule you should be consistent, particularly with the little things IMO, but I strongly feel that it's ok to admit that you've overreacted. I've done this on several occasions with my children who are now in their teens and are really great children who respect what I say. 4 years old is way too young to really understand 'behave nicely or you won't go to the party'. It's a meaningless punishment that doesn't deal with the cause of his behaviour.

Happymummy1991 · 24/03/2018 10:59

Oh for goodness sake why are people so opposed to disciplining children's bad behaviour?
It is your responsibility to discipline your children and teach them how to be decent human beings. Not just for your own benefit, but for the childs and everyone else that ever comes into contact with them.
And I'm not some abusive parent. I'm not talking about violence or emotional abuse or that sort of vile thing. Just basic cause and effect. Consequences for bad behaviour.
Not having a go at you OP just my response to some of the replies.

SoupDragon · 24/03/2018 10:59

As an adult if you cannot model "Im sorry I overreacted when I said that, shall we talk about what we should do instead"

If a 4 year old is incapable of understanding consequences, they sure as hell won’t undestand that!

Idontevencareanymore · 24/03/2018 10:59

I'm torn. 4 is still so little and it seems a big punishment as opposed to a 8 year old who fully understands.
Saying that, going back on what you've said sends the wrong message.

Personally I'd give them a chance to "earn" the party back. And then a natural consequence for more unwanted behaviour would be no party for not sticking to their end of the deal.

I'm in solidarity with you at the "end of term, tired and knarky" child. I have a 6yo version who's extremely challenging for just this reason. It's a big world for smalls.

BlueSkyBurningBright · 24/03/2018 11:16

I did this with DD. She would not behave, I told her that if she persisted she would not be going to the party. She did not listen so did not go to the party. I texted the Mum to let her know, she understood.

Stick to your guns, no point in saying there will be a punishment and not following through.

Serialweightwatcher · 24/03/2018 11:17

I couldn't stick to it - I always think losing out on parties etc is so harsh especially at that age where they act so quickly on instinct - I always think if you're going to punish for any bad behaviour, do it that day and get it over with - either no tv for half an hour, losing a toy for the day (and another and another if no improvement) but not something where other kids are going to be

DarkRoomDarren · 24/03/2018 11:21

I think it was a bit of a silly punishment to come up with tbh, for reasons already mentioned. But I also agree that now you’ve said that’s what’s happening you kind of have to follow through with it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 24/03/2018 11:30

It’s my DS’s birthday party today. I’d be gutted if kids we’ve paid for bailed this morning. He’s 4 you are totally overreacting.

emmyrose2000 · 24/03/2018 11:40

these things can be bloody expensive, the birthday child’s parents are usually charged per head (and would not be able to get their money back at such short notice) so if a parent had cancelled at the last minute for a PUNISHMENT I would be royally pissed off. Illness, fair enough.

Hate this kind of punishment, it doesn't punish your child as much as it punishes the poor child whose party it is. Especially rude if you've already said you are going as the party child's parents will have already paid for your child's place, food, party bag etc

I agree with these two (separate) previous posts.

What would you do if there wasn't a party to use as a threat/punishment?

SpringHen · 24/03/2018 11:42

It’s my DS’s birthday party today. I’d be gutted if kids we’ve paid for bailed this morning. He’s 4 you are totally overreacting.
This, but its not even about the money, the birthday kid'll be all excited about the friends they think are coming Sad
Sickness etc is unaviudable, but its UR to use someone elses day as your discipline technique and bad form to decline last minute if its avoidable

M2321 · 24/03/2018 11:45

Stick to your guns, you made it clear he had to behave, he has other plans so weekend won't be so bad for him. Sometimes you have to be a mum only and not a friend ❤️💐

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/03/2018 11:48

I don’t think it was silly I think it was sensible, he’d probably have carried on the bad behaviour at the party. The money isn’t relevant as op is going to pay.

Tringley · 24/03/2018 11:52

He's 4, he won't understand that kind of consequence at that age. Consequences have to be immediate and very logical at that age, otherwise it just seems totally arbitrary and unconnected. The posters who have suggested that you give him a chance to earn his invite back have the best idea. Sit down with him, give him a hug, talk to him gently, ask him to show you how he can improve his behaviour now so that you can take him after all. Then give him a chance to earn back his invite.

It will be a far better learning experience for him than not going because it is positive reenforcement of good behaviour which we all know is a much more effective learning tool than punitive consequences.

M2321 · 24/03/2018 11:53

Some of you are horrible, wtf! She's not a bad person for punishing her son, she's also stated she'd pay her son's place! Why should the boy behave unacceptably then get treated to a party?? That's like saying it's ok to behave naughty you'll always get what you want anyway!! Honestly some ppl on here are absolute nothing but nasty.
We all bring our kids up different I'm sure some of your decisions we wouldn't all agree on. Making this woman sound like a bad mother for following through on her punishment, I think she's opposite, it's hard to punish your child esp making they miss out on fun things, however this is life and your teaching him correctly!! Well done Flowers

Your doing absolutely nothing wrong at all.

Tringley · 24/03/2018 11:54

The money isn’t relevant as op is going to pay.

That's a totally empty gesture though as we've all lived life and we all know that however sincere an offer that is from the OP, the odds of the birthday child's parents accepting it are just about nil. They would feel far too awkward to take that money and so they will be out of pocket for the OP's DS.

SpringHen · 24/03/2018 11:55

she's also stated she'd pay her son's place! Why should the boy behave unacceptably then get treated to a party??

"Why didnt my friends come to my party?"
"But darling, they paid! So who cares?"
"Not me mummy!"

Yeah right.

SecretlyChartreuse · 24/03/2018 12:02

My question would be whether you could trust him to behave at the party if you do go.

Saracen · 24/03/2018 12:03

I think you should keep him home, but as a solution rather than a punishment. You know he's overtired and out of control at this moment. A party isn't what he needs. He needs a rest with a parent, a cuddle, a chat or a quiet game, some peaceful time away from siblings, an opportunity to break the negative cycle of misbehaving and making family members angry and feeling angry himself and misbehaving even more.

M2321 · 24/03/2018 12:05

@SpringHen get a grip! Sometimes we have to cancel due to health or other commitments that come up, If was my kids party I would understand.

Defo take his wayyyy to far

M2321 · 24/03/2018 12:06

@Saracen you've put that perfectly! "As a solution" Then hopefully it's a lesson learnt 👍🏼

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