Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate the fact that dh doesn’t understand the relationship I have with my family?

128 replies

Jasperparker · 23/03/2018 14:30

I am very close to my family (it’s only me, mum, dad and brother) and I go and stay with my parents a few nights a week as dh works away for 2 weeks at a time, obviously when he is home I don’t go to stay and spend all my time with him, I don’t like being alone so don’t see why I shouldn’t stay with them but if he phones me while he is away and I’m at my parents he gets so annoyed as if I’m betraying him. Dh hates his own family and never really sees them, he finds it really odd that mine and my brothers bedrooms still have our stuff in - not like a shrine or anything but when we moved out into our own houses we both wanted to buy all new stuff so they kept our beds and wardrobes and stuff for when we visit, they have 2 other spare rooms so don’t need the space, I think its sweet they’ve kept it for us and let us know we always have a place to go. All my friends say their parents got rid of their rooms as soon as they left so maybe we are a bit unusual, I didn’t leave home until 4 years ago when I was 24 and would probably still live there now if I thought I could get away with it and hadn’t met dh.

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 23/03/2018 18:55

Agree with fruitbrew, one minute you say you have no friends, but then you say you were a party girl. What happened to your old friends then? Why don't you keep in touch with them instead of just your parents?

Also feel sorry for your husband

Sevendown · 23/03/2018 18:56

The relationship wasn’t and isn’t right for you.

Leave and go back home and go back to being the happy party girl you were. You are only 28.

wtffgs · 23/03/2018 19:12

It sounds lovely to me OP

I think your H is jealous and this is something you and he need to sort out.

Anyway, it's not up to him what you do with your free time Hmm

SilverySurfer · 23/03/2018 19:20

wtf indeed - have you even read beyond the first post and the enormous drip feed?

TuffTuff · 23/03/2018 19:39

Honestly OP, I think you'd benefit from talking things through with someone in real life. You have a slightly odd view of relationships- married to someone you admit you don't love, few friends, but seem to have your parents and brother in place of friends?

It's nice to be close to your family, but it's also important to have friends outside your family circle. There's nothing wrong with staying with your parents per se- plenty of married people do it - but it sounds like this is your main social outlet (I may have picked that up wrong).

I have a DH who's a bit too close to his family (like the poster someone mentioned above, they have joint calendars, do loads of stuff together etc). Part of the problem is that he comes back from seeing them and I can see that all his opinions have shifted to suit theirs. What they say, goes. We've had to work really hard to get to the point we're at now, and he has realised that actually his family is a bit disfunctional - the "closeness" actually covers up quite a lot of unpleasantness.

My advice would be for you to take a step back, look at your attitude to relationships (maybe read a few books on forming healthy family bonds and good friendships, and see if any of it resonates with you), even get counselling if you think it would help. Long term you need to decide about your marriage - it may be that you realise that you DO love your DH, or you may realise you don't. Then decide what to do.

Try not to get too worked up about the depression coming back. See what support your GP can give you, and start working on building friendships with people who'll be there for you if anything happens. Hopefully it won't return, but if it does, you'll have things in place to cope.

user1499333856 · 23/03/2018 19:52

Wow!

Please do the decent thing and pack your bags and go back to your family.

quizqueen · 23/03/2018 20:15

My daughters, who both have their own places, often come home to stay when their partners are away; the grandchildren come too. That's what family is all about, surely. How a man treats his own birth family would be an indicator to me of what sort of partner he's likely to be and yours fails that test! Good luck for the future.

scaryteacher · 23/03/2018 20:42

Quiz RTFT.

OP You have some serious thinking to do, along with some serious growing up as well. You husband deserves better in terms of your honesty and commitment.

GetoutofthatGarden · 23/03/2018 21:07

Your parents are doing you a disservice. Are they actually encouraging you to come home? Do they know there's a problem with your marriage?

Utter nonsense^

Pastaforlunch · 23/03/2018 21:41

Wow. You are being beyond unreasonable staying with a man that you don't love, but say is a "kind, caring and lovely man". Leave him so he can find someone who loves and appreciates him, deserves someone who genuinely loves him rather than you, who seem to view your marriage as plan b. You're still so young, get out now and be happy.

speakout · 23/03/2018 21:52

I find it odd and a little creepy.

As an adult woman I don't need my parents when OH is away- I have lots to do - enjoy my own space, pursue my own activities.

I find it a bit childish running home to Mummy.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 23/03/2018 22:00

If it makes you feel better I do the same! I see my parents every weekend and often stay overnight with my DC, I have my own room there although it has been redecorated as more of a ‘guest’ room. I don’t have many friends so maybe that’s a reason? I am just incredibly close to my family and my OH is used to it. People may think you are ‘odd’ but you probably think they have odd ways about them to. Each to their own!

mancmummy1414 · 23/03/2018 22:05

I am one of three adult children in a close knit family exactly like yours.
We don’t have our own rooms so to speak st their house but there’s always a bed for us if we want to kip over.
When DH is working nights, I sometimes take DS and stay at theirs for a night (and enjoy having tea and toast brought up to me before bed Blush)
I’m the same age as you - it’s lovely to have a family like this and not BU at all. Lots of adults still live at home at our age (which tbf I find a bit Hmm) but nothing up with this at all!

mancmummy1414 · 23/03/2018 22:07

OH I just RTFT... nvm!

Excited101 · 23/03/2018 22:10

He probably feels like when he's back he's keeping you from where you'd rather be, since you dash off there when he goes away. And I totally agree with the poster who said he'll be picking up your feels and trying to keep you happy suggesting you both go to your parents on a Sunday.

Would it be different if he was living at home full time? Either way, you need to have a proper open chat with him.

dkb15164 · 23/03/2018 22:20

See on the one hand if my partner went and stayed at his parents even once a month while I'm at home I'd find it really bloody weird. I moved out age 17 to uni and never went back even for the summer - I do two trips (usually one in summer and bonfire night roughly) and then Christmas I go for a week and usually end up sleeping on the floor in the study for a week as my old room (renovated within a month of me moving out into a 3rd guest bedroom) is given to the older guests.
On the other hand sleeping alone in a house can be quite scary for a single female who is obviously quite used to other people being in the house having stayed with her family till age 24 especially if partner is away for 2 weeks at a time. It is a little weird that they kept your rooms the exact same way - I'm picturing my teenage room that I moved out of and it would creep me out to stay in it even only 3 years later.

hotsouple · 23/03/2018 22:44

I'm 23 right now and living in a city about an hour from my family, although I work with my dad. We are all very close and I go home for a night or 2 about every 2-3 weeks. I think it's nice to have a family you love and get along with, and I don't see anything wrong with visiting overnight.

Love51 · 23/03/2018 23:03

I think the fact that he took a job which involves working away 2 weeks at time despite his new wife asking him not to, suggests that OP isn't the only one with one foot out of the door...

toffee1000 · 23/03/2018 23:20

“Now I’ve married him I can’t exactly leave him” err, yes you can. People divorce all the time.
You clearly did not want to get married. You did it because “everyone else was” (I seriously doubt it at 25, that’s still very young!!) and grabbed the first guy you met. You clearly feel trapped, having realised that this isn’t what you want, and so whenever your DH leaves you go back to your parents’, where you feel secure.
I think you need to leave your DH and seriously reevaluate what you want out of life. Just because everyone else is doing something doesn’t mean you have to.

Roussette · 23/03/2018 23:42

Getout why is my question utter nonsense?

I just asked if her parents knew she was unhappy in her marriage and were they encouraging her to come home.

Confused why that would be nonsense.

Idobelieveinfairies2018 · 24/03/2018 09:37

wow completely missed the massive drip feed somehow.
Forget what I said leave the poor bastards and let him find a woman that actually wants to be with him!

S0ph1a · 24/03/2018 09:46

I don’t know why you are all saying poor bastard.

I feel sorry for both of them. The OP clearly feels trapped in a marriage with a man she doesn’t love but doesn’t think she can leave.

OP, are you from a culture that particularly frowns on divorce? I know that can make it harder. But you need to work out what you want - you can’t go on like this , it’s not fair on either of you.

I suggest you book some couselling just for yourself and talk this over with someone who has no agenda. Then if you decide you want to make a go of your marriage, you can ask your husband if he would go for marriage couselling with you.

Whatever you decide DONT GET PREGNANT. It will fix nothing and make everything a lot worse.

Biker47 · 24/03/2018 09:52

Sounds weird to me.

DrEustaciaBenson · 24/03/2018 11:23

I don’t know why you are all saying poor bastard.

Presumably because the relationship he thinks he has is a lie, and has been from the start.

S0ph1a · 24/03/2018 11:33

The op doesn’t say it was a lie. And you don’t know how he feels. He doesn’t exactly sound madly in love if he works away for 2 weeks at a time. Maybe he married for the same reasons as the OP, we don’t know.

In lots of cultures it’s not about being madly in love.