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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the fact that dh doesn’t understand the relationship I have with my family?

128 replies

Jasperparker · 23/03/2018 14:30

I am very close to my family (it’s only me, mum, dad and brother) and I go and stay with my parents a few nights a week as dh works away for 2 weeks at a time, obviously when he is home I don’t go to stay and spend all my time with him, I don’t like being alone so don’t see why I shouldn’t stay with them but if he phones me while he is away and I’m at my parents he gets so annoyed as if I’m betraying him. Dh hates his own family and never really sees them, he finds it really odd that mine and my brothers bedrooms still have our stuff in - not like a shrine or anything but when we moved out into our own houses we both wanted to buy all new stuff so they kept our beds and wardrobes and stuff for when we visit, they have 2 other spare rooms so don’t need the space, I think its sweet they’ve kept it for us and let us know we always have a place to go. All my friends say their parents got rid of their rooms as soon as they left so maybe we are a bit unusual, I didn’t leave home until 4 years ago when I was 24 and would probably still live there now if I thought I could get away with it and hadn’t met dh.

OP posts:
Bundlesmads · 23/03/2018 17:12

Yes you can leave him. It’s unfair to string him along like this if you don’t love him.

GetoutofthatGarden · 23/03/2018 17:12

I don't think it's odd that you stay at your parents when he's away. His reaction is what's odd.

It's lovely that you're so close to your family and want to spend time with them. It makes a nice change reading a thread like this rather than one about a family tearing at each others throats.

Roussette · 23/03/2018 17:13

Oh deary me. Poor bloke. Does he know any of this?

I just knew without fail there was more to this than him not liking you seeing your parents when he was away working. He's probably desperately trying to make the marriage work and that might be why he suggests seeing your parents on a Sunday. To please you.

For god's sake, don't lead him up the garden path. It sounds like marriage was just an interesting experiment for you.

So what if you end up back with your parents, that's what you want deep down isn't it?

OnionKnight · 23/03/2018 17:14

Poor bastard.

Lizzie48 · 23/03/2018 17:15

I'm sorry, you do sound like a teenager, to put it bluntly. I had a friend like that once, she was still living at home in her 50s. You need to think about the fact that your parents won't be around forever, what will you do when they've passed away?

But they also have their own lives. They will retire and may well want to downsize, and spend money on themselves, like going on holidays as a couple. They won't always be in good health and you may end up being their carer.

You need to stand on your own 2 feet.

SilentBob · 23/03/2018 17:17

I simply just like being with them and to be honest if you don’t have that kind or relationship with your parents I feel sorry for you

I’ve prickled a little at that, tbh. You may have received answers here that you find patronising but you, crucially, asked for opinions. I can’t see where anyone who does not have the same relationship as you has asked, but you felt compelled to patronise them and send them your pity anyway. Which is kind of hypocritical.

FWIW I would not do the same as you and would wonder if my partner truly felt our home was ‘his home’ if he did it BUT I do not judge you or feel sorry for you.

Chattymummyhere · 23/03/2018 17:21

From your update you should leave him let him find someone who actually loves him and is ready to settle down with him rather than one foot in and one out.

BackforGood · 23/03/2018 17:22

I simply just like being with them and to be honest if you don’t have that kind or relationship with your parents I feel sorry for you

I had a very close relationship with my Mum and Dad, and I also do with my own dc, thank you very much - no need to feel sorry for me, or for my dc - but that doesn't mean we need to sleep under the same roof every night. Hmm

wow ! Massive drip feed there!!
so this is really nothing to do with what you asked in your op !!

Original poster
Jasperparker · 23/03/2018 17:24

I didn’t marry him as an experiment I genuinely though I could change and settle down it’s what everyone else my age was doing so I went. I changed jobs and myself for him then 6 months later he got offered his new job, I begged him not to take it so he wasn’t away so much but he did anyway, he left me in a house I didn’t like and then resented me for seeing my own family, in reality I guess I should have left then but I didn’t.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 17:24

wow ! Massive drip feed there!!
so this is really nothing to do with what you asked in your op !!

Just goes to show how people can twist things to get sympathy though, I was really feeling bad for her but turns out the DH is obviously just sensing she doesn't love him anymore, poor guy

GoldfishCrackers · 23/03/2018 17:25

"if he phones me while he is away and I’m at my parents he gets so annoyed as if I’m betraying him"
This is worrying, especially in the context of you having not many friends. He's not just thinking it's odd (and not the sort of thing he'd do, which is simply a matter of personal choice) he's getting so annoyed, therefore putting pressure on you to change what you do when he's not even there.

Would he be ok with you going to stay with friends/nights out with colleagues? Does he support and encourage your social life with other people? I'm a bit worried he's just being controlling.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 17:27

GoldfishCrackers

She just updated saying she doesn't love him and doesn't want to be married so it's probably that he's sensing tbf

Roussette · 23/03/2018 17:27

I simply just like being with them and to be honest if you don’t have that kind or relationship with your parents I feel sorry for you

That's a red rag to a bull to me. I'm just proud that I'm close to my kids but they don't feel the need to traipse home all the time because they're independent. BTW two of them are older than you and none of them are married.

Just let your husband go.

Your parents are doing you a disservice. Are they actually encouraging you to come home? Do they know there's a problem with your marriage?

Roussette · 23/03/2018 17:29

So in relation to 'everyone your age' no, they're not all getting married. I thought those days were gone when there was pressure to 'settle down'

Can't see my lot getting married for a while!

GoldfishCrackers · 23/03/2018 17:29

Oh. X post. That's a big thing.
Do you think he senses the distance between you? And has decided the problem is the relationship with your parents?

Can you really see yourself spending the next 60-odd years with him?

RedSkyAtNight · 23/03/2018 17:32

So you're not happy and your DH isn't happy. You don't love him. Best to cut your losses now and separate. Please whatever you do, don't decide to have DC "because everyone is doing it".

And perhaps, just perhaps, you might consider getting a place on your own, or moving into a house share and gaining a little independence, rather than moving straight back into your childhood room?

SilverySurfer · 23/03/2018 17:34

Wow - massive drip feed there. Why don't you leave the poor guy so he can find someone who does love him? You could then move back in with Mummy and Daddy - win/win for both of you.

LimonViola · 23/03/2018 17:38

Biggest drip feed ever.

Your marriage is broken and it won't last. Whether you choose to end it as kindly and maturely as possible now or let it limp along for another few years and disintegrate horrible is up to you.

Your poor husband.

I was going to say that your behaviour staying at your parents home several times per week is extremely odd and would make me think you hadn't matured, sorry. If my OH went to stay with his parents every time I was away I'd think he didn't like living with me much and would prefer to back in the bosom of his family. It's very babyish and would be a real turn off tbh.

ChaosNeverRains · 23/03/2018 17:39

No wonder your DH feels insecure that you go running back to your parents every time he leaves the house. He probably realises that one of these days you won’t come back.

Poor bloke.

And sorry, marrying out of a sense of convenience is about as selfish and self centred not to mention immature as it gets.

FGS leave the poor bloke so he can find someone better and don’t have any more relationships for a while until you’ve grown up and learned to live independently.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 17:45

Hmm so you're visiting them so often because you don't love him NOT because you're lonely when he's at work.

Time to move back home full time OP and let your H find someone who does love him.

ChaosNeverRains · 23/03/2018 17:47

Interesting isn’t though how easily people can be manipulated by an OP

Idobelieveinfairies2018 · 23/03/2018 18:05

Sorry but I find this massively weird. And I'm some1 who has never lived on my own and would struggle massively if anything ever happened 2 my dh. I certainly wouldn't go back to my family's house thou.
If I was ur dh I'd be thinking u were ready to leave the relationship and run back 'home' at a moments notice, that or something was horribly wrong with the home u have set up together.
Also have u considered that the reason u feel sad when it parents leave is because it depression has already come back and by staying with them wen dh is away might be fuelling it?
x

NFATR · 23/03/2018 18:20

Leave him for his own sake and move back to your parents which is where you actually want to be.
Give him the worlds biggest apology. MArrying someone you don't love for such selfish reasons is an appalling thing to do!

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2018 18:36

Well my goodness, that came out of left field!!!

You are being massively unfair to the poor man. Certainly you can leave the marriage if you don't love him. In fact, you owe it to him. You made a mistake, rectify it. Give the man a chance to find a woman who will love him and create a life together with him.

Yes, it will hurt him. But he'll get over it and realize that you actually did him a favour.

fruitbrewhaha · 23/03/2018 18:44

ah, oh dear, I think there's a lot going on here. I would post on the relationships board if I were you, I've seen some very wise responses on there.

Do you think you have depression? Could that be altering the way you feel about your DH?

The spark in a relationship is hard to maintain when you spend a lot of time apart. It works ok for some relationships but not for everyone. Could that be fueling the problem?

Do you want to try and save your marriage? Or is it over for you?

Not everyone loves their home, especially the first one, it can be a stepping stone for something you love later.

You mentioned you were a party girl, but that somehow you felt you had to settle down at 25? But now you don't have friends. What happened? You can still party and be in a relationship. Just maybe party a bit less. Where are those friends now?

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