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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the fact that dh doesn’t understand the relationship I have with my family?

128 replies

Jasperparker · 23/03/2018 14:30

I am very close to my family (it’s only me, mum, dad and brother) and I go and stay with my parents a few nights a week as dh works away for 2 weeks at a time, obviously when he is home I don’t go to stay and spend all my time with him, I don’t like being alone so don’t see why I shouldn’t stay with them but if he phones me while he is away and I’m at my parents he gets so annoyed as if I’m betraying him. Dh hates his own family and never really sees them, he finds it really odd that mine and my brothers bedrooms still have our stuff in - not like a shrine or anything but when we moved out into our own houses we both wanted to buy all new stuff so they kept our beds and wardrobes and stuff for when we visit, they have 2 other spare rooms so don’t need the space, I think its sweet they’ve kept it for us and let us know we always have a place to go. All my friends say their parents got rid of their rooms as soon as they left so maybe we are a bit unusual, I didn’t leave home until 4 years ago when I was 24 and would probably still live there now if I thought I could get away with it and hadn’t met dh.

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 23/03/2018 15:25

The fact that you would still live there if it wasn't for meeting DH does make you sound immature and unable to cope on your own - sorry. However I'm assuming that staying at your parents' house means that you get fussed over, meals cooked for and don't have to worry about anything ... if you pitch in and help with all the cooking and housework equally, then I take it back.

Also very telling that you call your parents' house "home" - I think if my partner still referred to their parents' house as "home" I'd be pretty upset.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/03/2018 15:27

It probably makes him uncomfortable because it highlights his own poor relation with his parents, and suggests he is more dependent on you than you are on him.

It's great that you like to spend time with your parents - I would make absolutely clear to him that this will not change. The idea that he is free to bugger off for 2 weeks and insist on you sitting home alone waiting for him is ridiculous.

YoloSwaggins · 23/03/2018 15:28

@RedSky, agree. When you start calling it "my parents's house" instead of "home" is when you're truly an adult.

YoloSwaggins · 23/03/2018 15:29

*parents'

Cath2907 · 23/03/2018 15:30

My husband is taking DD to his inlaws next week and I am at home working. It had crossed my mind to go stay with my mum (half an hour down the road) so we could have a couple of glasses of wine and a chin wag. My room is now the spare but it is decked out with a double and single bed and the only people who sleep in it are us and our daughter (we stay over at Xmas). My duaghter refers to it as her room. The other two spares are done out as kids rooms for my niece and nephew (my sister and BIL live next door so they don't need bedrooms!) Now I write it down it all sounds rather odd perhaps I'll stay home!

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2018 15:30

RedSky when I'm in my own house I call my mom's house "home" When I'm at my mom's I call my own house "home".

No, I don't understand either!

I'd like to think my adult kids would like to come and stay with me if they are lonely / miss me / want to spend time with me

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2018 15:31

Cath go and see your mom!

becca93 · 23/03/2018 15:31

don't stop doing something that makes you happy just because your husband has an unjustified problem with it. if it doesn't impact him in any way then there's no reason for him to comment and make you feel like you're in the wrong.

Excited101 · 23/03/2018 15:32

My bedroom is exactly how I left it when I moved out which was sort of gradual from about 19. I've always been a bit of a hoarder so there's a lot of childhood/teenage things in but my parents tend to accumulate 'stuff' a fair bit too so the room is pretty packed full of bits of mine and my parents. DSis is the opposite so although all her old furniture and decor is in her room all her 'stuff' is gone. She doesn't keep anything!

It's really nice you've got that home to go back to and that you get on with your family so well but I would find it a bit weird that you go back so much so often. But then I really like my own space, obviously many other don't. If you're all happy then I don't see a problem!

Roussette · 23/03/2018 15:33

The husband hardly 'buggers off'. He's working! He isn't off on a jolly with his mates!

The fact you'd jump at the chance of living back with your parents must mean there's more to this. And I bet that's why your DH gets upset about it.

Does your brother decamp back home too? (I just have this vision of everyone watching the telly in the lounge like gogglebox!)

Laiste · 23/03/2018 15:36

OP didn't call her parents house home though Confused

She said ''obviously when he is home I don’t go to stay, and spend all my time with him'' - meaning her own house,

and

''I didn't leave home till 4 years ago''. That's just a phrase.

I say l 'left home' at 18 and that was 30 years ago. (I was bloody glad to!)

givemesteel · 23/03/2018 15:37

It's something I'd keep an eye on. I'm not saying yes being abusive but abusive partners tend to dislike any other close relationships (family, friends) and slowly try and distance their partner from other people.

People are different. I'm very close to my parents and at the moment see them most days (am on maternity leave, they live close by and help with childcare),but dh only sees his maybe 4 or 5 times a year. He doesn't begrudge the time I spend with them and with our own dc he is much more in favour of us having the sort of relationship I have with my parents than he has with his.

If depends on whether your goals are aligned long term eg if he wanted to move to a different part of the country or abroad I suspect you wouldn't want to.

Original poster
Jasperparker · 23/03/2018 15:39

Maybe I didn’t explain very well. I don’t go and stay for the whole 2 weeks 1-2 nights a couple of times within the 2 weeks. Yes I have my parents round to mine for dinner at mine but as soon as they leave I feel sad. I used to suffer with depression and even though I don’t have it anymore it terrifies me that it will return. I work 4 days on and 3 days off so it s usually when I’m off that I go and stay with them. If we had children or dh wasn’t away for 2 weeks no I wouldn’t go and stay but would still visit at least once a week as I could never imagine not seeing them for long periods of time. I don’t really have many friends tbh so don’t have many people to talk to.i don’t think my maturity should be questioned just because I love my family.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 23/03/2018 15:39

Anyone not liking being alone to the extent that they go and stay at their parents' house every time the OH is away might need to work on themselves a bit. What if the parents want to go on holiday? Would you go with them? Or stay at home alone?

Presumably OP would just stay in her own home if her parents are on holiday? She doesn't say that she needs to stay at her parents.

It's lovely that OP has a great relationship with her parents and wants to stay with them.

And as her brother has his room at his parents, then it's lilely he also stays over sometimes.

Really not a big deal. Don't be put off, OP. I love staying over at mum's sometimes. It's a completely different dynamic to just going over for dinner. I get breakfast ready for her, we watch tv together, have a gossip, pop out to the shops.

troodiedoo · 23/03/2018 15:39

My mum is very close to her family. My dad's is dysfunctional and disjointed.

He spent 25 years of marriage trying to convince her that her normal loving parents were abusive and she should reduce contact.

I think your relationships with your parents should be a big factor in long term compatibility. This is going to get a whole lot more complex if you have children.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 15:40

I was sort of with you until the bit about yours and DB's bedroom being left the same as when you lived there. I think that is a bit strange tbh.

wizzywig · 23/03/2018 15:40

Id think you dont like your home.

Laiste · 23/03/2018 15:41

She said she'd happily live back home if she hadn't met her DH.

If you enjoy the company of your parents and they treat you with respect and as an adult and have a nice big house (as it sounds in OPs case) why wouldn't you?

Maybe i'm biased My eldest is 24 and she's a returner and we love having her home and she's really enjoying her time back with us (and her sisters).

DailyMailFail101 · 23/03/2018 15:41

I don’t think it’s odd you go anD stay for a few days when your husband is away for a bit of company, but I do think it’s unusual for your parents to have kept your bedroom.

Roussette · 23/03/2018 15:42

There's nothing wrong with 1 or 2 nights over a two week period, of course there isn't.

Does your DH get on with them?

I love it when mine come home but I'm not the priority any more and that's just the way it should be (sad emoticon lol)

Crispbutty · 23/03/2018 15:42

Do you cut short his phone call to you if you are at your parents when he rings? Could that be the reason?

Lacucuracha · 23/03/2018 15:43

I was sort of with you until the bit about yours and DB's bedroom being left the same as when you lived there. I think that is a bit strange tbh.

Why would you throw out perfectky good furniture like a bed, wardrobe, etc?

And if OP has some clothes at her parents that really is not odd either.

I imagine she has taken the bulk of her stuff from her parents to her own home.

Lacucuracha · 23/03/2018 15:46

It sounds like DH is feeling threatened but this his insecurity based on his own dysfunctional family.

OP, you need to make it clear he is BU. If he doesn"t that, then I would seriously rconsider having children with someone like him, as he has the potential to become controlling, like troodiedoo's dad.

Jaxhog · 23/03/2018 15:48

Does he think you should sit home like a good little wifie waiting for her master's call?

What's the issue? You would otherwise be alone for 15 days, so why should he be concerned that you choose to spend a day or two at your parents.?At least you're not out carousing with friends. Then he would have reason to worry. I'm also guessing that you wouldn't feel the need if he was there every day.

DrEustaciaBenson · 23/03/2018 15:49

The idea that he is free to bugger off for 2 weeks and insist on you sitting home alone waiting for him is ridiculous.

Where does the op say he 'insists on her sitting at home alone waiting for him'?

Sitting at home alone or going to her parents aren't the only two options available to the op. She could meet up with friends, go to the theatre, cinema, or a concert, join a club or a class or a gym, volunteer, study for a new qualification, pursue a hobby or interest that her dh doesn't share and she might not have time for when he's home... all sorts of opportunities for personal development.

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