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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the fact that dh doesn’t understand the relationship I have with my family?

128 replies

Jasperparker · 23/03/2018 14:30

I am very close to my family (it’s only me, mum, dad and brother) and I go and stay with my parents a few nights a week as dh works away for 2 weeks at a time, obviously when he is home I don’t go to stay and spend all my time with him, I don’t like being alone so don’t see why I shouldn’t stay with them but if he phones me while he is away and I’m at my parents he gets so annoyed as if I’m betraying him. Dh hates his own family and never really sees them, he finds it really odd that mine and my brothers bedrooms still have our stuff in - not like a shrine or anything but when we moved out into our own houses we both wanted to buy all new stuff so they kept our beds and wardrobes and stuff for when we visit, they have 2 other spare rooms so don’t need the space, I think its sweet they’ve kept it for us and let us know we always have a place to go. All my friends say their parents got rid of their rooms as soon as they left so maybe we are a bit unusual, I didn’t leave home until 4 years ago when I was 24 and would probably still live there now if I thought I could get away with it and hadn’t met dh.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2018 15:49

My BFF and her DH have a similar problem. She's extremely close with her family. He grew up with his grandmother as his only family. I think the main problem is a combination of him not understanding how close family relationships work AND a bit of jealousy. BUT, I will say that her family does criticize him a bit about his lack of closeness to them and I'm sure that doesn't help things! They also (the grandparents) tend to ignore his feelings about 'house rules' when it comes to the grandchildren and BFF doesn't really back him up.

Just be sure your DH doesn't have any reasons to resent your family.

Laiste · 23/03/2018 15:54

Having banged on about my adult DDs coming back home for cosy sleep-overs - I can see this from the DHs side a little bit i think too.

DH is a lot closer to his parents and siblings than i am to my DM, who is very hard work to be around, and i have NO siblings. Sometimes when they PILs are wanting to arrange whole weekend get togethers i feel a bit ... i don't know ... not jealous exactly because i'm warmly included, just a bit eye rolly. It's totally unreasonable of me and I'd never admit it to DH or say anything. And double standards.

I think you need to have a frank chat with him about what you've noticed and how he feels OP.

ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2018 15:55

OP I don't think your dp should get to dictate how you spend your time when he is away.

I don't think that your family are odd, it sounds really nice. I am estranged from my own abusive family and would love a family like that!

I agree with tawdry however that your good relationship with your family possibly shines a light on his poor one with his. I know from experience it can be quite lonely when your partner is surrounded by loving family
and you have no one - even if your in laws are lovely to you and you get on well with them, it's not quite the same.

Does your DP get on well with your family?

Please talk to your dp and ask him how you can support him in this - maybe he could do with some counselling/therapy, or perhaps you could both contact the charity Stand Alone (who support people who are estranged from family members) for advice.

user1499333856 · 23/03/2018 15:55

I really can't see why this is a problem when the DH is away working and she is just going to her parents. It's not really any of his business when he is away and it has no impact on him. Could you be at home doing something else? Is that the issue? Or perhaps he thinks you could be widening your circle of friends or doing a hobby? Not sure what his problem is so you need to ask him.

If you had children, and you were regularly decamping them there every two weeks for two or three days then I'd have a problem with it as the other partner. I'm a big believer in clear boundaries once children arrive on the scene as to where their home is and who are their care givers.

But otw, she should be able to go where she likes and see who she wants, right?

ChaosNeverRains · 23/03/2018 15:55

I think that going to stay with your parents who it appears live in the same town? For days at a time when you do have a home of your own to go to is a bit odd. I don’t think it’s odd to visit on a regular basis or to have regular contact with them but the staying over is strange given you have a house, and a husband who must feel a bit as if you are running straight back to your parents when he goes away for work. I can imagine that might make him feel a bit insecure tbh.

When me and now eXH were first living together he had to go away a number of times for work. At the time I was commuting back to my home town while I found work in the town we had moved to, it was a 1.2 hour commute either way, so on those occasions I did used to go and stay with my parents during the week as it saved me the commute.

Fast forward a couple of years and eXH changed jobs and again, the commute meant he had to stay away during the week and again, he stayed with his parents who lived closer to his new job than we did, so he stayed there during the week.

But if they’d lived in the same town it wouldn’t even have occurred to me to go and stay there as I had a house of my own with h.

Laiste · 23/03/2018 15:59

''I know from experience it can be quite lonely when your partner is surrounded by loving family and you have no one - even if your in laws are lovely to you and you get on well with them, it's not quite the same''

You've summed that up nicely lampoon.

Bundlesmads · 23/03/2018 16:04

Read your update OP. That’s perfectly normal. He’s being really mean if he knows you need support too.

GnotherGnu · 23/03/2018 16:23

Your posts are inconsistent. A "few nights a week" have suddenly become "1-2 nights a couple of times within the 2 weeks".

I must say, I kind of see his point. When most people get married, it's effectively a declaration that they've grown up and their future is with their spouse in the matrimonial home; not that they'll keep a home with their parents part of the time and go running back there regularly. Although they still love their family, they only stay in their house if they live some distance away. Going there regularly purely because the spouse isn't around for short periods looks suspiciously like a problem in letting go. The fact that the parents provide a bolthole also tends to look as if they think the marriage won't last, which is bound to make him feel insecure.

I assume you would cope with being alone if your parents lived a long way away or weren't around?

Charolais · 23/03/2018 16:24

I love my own company and never get bored alone, but I understand not everyone is like me and well, whatever floats your boat.

Keep doing it if it makes you happy and I know your parents love it.

panetonnebraxton · 23/03/2018 16:35

I don't see the issue at all tbh. He's away working and you have 3 days off, why would spending time with your family during that time be a problem for anyone?? Ridiculous. Nothing weird about it all IMO.

panetonnebraxton · 23/03/2018 16:36

As a non-Brit I have to say it's always surprising how anti-family the British are.

Like if you have a close family that you want to spend time with you're immature or a freak. Strange culture to me.

Roussette · 23/03/2018 16:42

I remember there being a thread on here a while back when a poster's DH was so immersed in his family, it was beyond a joke. He used to spend so much time with them, it was all in jokes, hilarity, loads of them getting together every other evening, meals at all of their houses etc. I think they even had some sort of online diary they all adhered to.
Personally it would drive me a bit potty but there you go.

It's not that I wouldn't welcome my kids visiting, but they have sooo much on, they just wouldn't do it because they're too busy enjoying themselves with all their out of work activities. Having said that we speak sometimes every day, if not Whatsapp lots. If they were coming home all the time I just would know there is a problem.

BackforGood · 23/03/2018 16:43

I was sort of with you until the bit about yours and DB's bedroom being left the same as when you lived there. I think that is a bit strange tbh.

This ^

I mean, it is a bit odd when you are local, to be going for a sleepover at your parents house every week. I would be raising my eyebrows if dh did that, so I think your dh has a point.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 16:46

I would think this was odd - if you go back to Mum every time you are on your own, sounds like you are not ready for an adult relationship

What a horrible and judgmental comment, why does it mean that? Maybe she's just occupying her time and spending time with people she loves, instead of being on her own :/

Original poster
Jasperparker · 23/03/2018 16:47

Thanks Bundle. Having read everything written down maybe I am a little odd but I just can’t be alone at the moment.
To everyone else just for the record I don’t go to my parents to be ‘fussed over’, I don’t go to have my dinner cooked or take my washing to be done, I simply just like being with them and to be honest if you don’t have that kind or relationship with your parents I feel sorry for you. Also my parents only keep our rooms as they don’t need the space for anything else.
I don’t think dh has a problem with my family he will quite often ask me on a Sunday afternoon if we have nothing to do if we should both pop round to my parents he just doesn’t seem to want me to be there without him. Everyone that has said I don’t like my house your probably right there it’s a super modern 2 bed terrace which is not what I was used to but all we could afford and just doesn’t feel like a home, I’ve tried decorating and buying new things but it just hasn’t worked.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 16:50

I simply just like being with them and to be honest if you don’t have that kind or relationship with your parents I feel sorry for you

Exactly. Seriously people are really odd that they would try to make a good relationship with your family into something weird or sinister.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 23/03/2018 16:50

I’d find it really babyish sorry. I would not want to be with someone who couldn’t be by themselves for a few nights. It would really annoy me too.

Prtf1345 · 23/03/2018 16:51

People on here will have their opinions. Do what is right for you- I don’t think it’s strange. I would love to be able to do that a few times a year, just go back to my family home and spend time with my family.

Things will change so why not enjoy what you have right?

Roussette · 23/03/2018 16:53

My kids have a very close relationship with us, we are in contact very frequently, they just don't come home all the time and I think that's normal personally.

Your last post tells me things aren't perfect with your DH. You should be loving your home with your DH, are there problems in the relationship? Do you put your parents above him?

When I first got married we lived in a tip of a house, I didn't care because I was with the person I wanted to be with.

RedSkyAtNight · 23/03/2018 16:54

just doesn't feel like a home

.. could that be DH's main issue? You love being at your parents' house which you still call home, but the place you actually live in with DH "doesn't feel like a home" It does sounds like you prefer being at your parents' house than in your own!!

(And dare I say, having your old room as a regular bolthole, is not going to help with the making your own house feel like your home)

Chattymummyhere · 23/03/2018 17:04

I find it odd to go for sleep overs if your in the same city. My sil is like that though decided she was old enough to live with her bf, but everytime he works away is back in her childhood bedroom and now she has a baby mil has to go sleep at her house. The second mil isn’t home from work she’s already there waiting as she just can take be alone. I avoid as I just can’t deal with that leave of immaturity.

Lizzie48 · 23/03/2018 17:08

I confess I find this a bit odd as well, I lived over 200 miles away from my family when I met my DH. Spending 2 nights at home with my DM every week would literally be my idea of hell.

If you don't want to be alone, you should try and invest more time in building friendships, maybe take on a hobby. Or possibly a pet, if you like animals? Dogs and cats can be very good company, I got myself a cat as soon as I moved into my flat and I was completely content on my own by the time I met my DH.

DrEustaciaBenson · 23/03/2018 17:08

You actually need to spend time in a place for it to feel like home. Cringe at the phrase 'making memories', but that's essentially what you have to do.

Buying new things doesn't help because they're new and don't (yet) have personal associations. Why not bring some of your own things from your parents' house and arrange them in your new home?

Original poster
Jasperparker · 23/03/2018 17:08

Some of you have made very valid points and if I’m being totally honest here it is: I don’t love my husband.He is kind, caring and a lovely man but when I married him 3 years ago it was because I had turned 25 and didn’t feel like I had got anywhere in life - up until a year earlier I was a party girl living with my parents with a care free life doing what ever I wanted drifting from job to job but I was so happy. He was my first relationship that lasted longer than a few months and I panicked and agreed to marry him. I don’t like the house we live in, I don’t like that he works away for 2 weeks at a time. When we are together it’s more like 2 friends there is just no spark. But I made the decision to marry him so I can’t exactly just leave him can I? And even if I did I would probably just end up back with my parents 🙄

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 17:12

Oh just read the update poor him