Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

[HarrietKettle]

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

Yanbu, as I think you’re right that it’s unrealistic to expect young children to be totally silent and you are clear that is what you want; total silence when you and your dp say your vows.

It might be causing raised eyebrows, because I suppose people might think it’s a bit pompous to say you “ must have complete silence for your moment” iyswim.

Unfortunately, people, (especially brides tbh), unfairly have a reputation for morphing from perfectly nice, reasonable people to attention-hungry, foot stamping, huffy divas stomping about and shouting about MY DAY, when they get married. So, people are quick to assume that’s what’s happened, and any request, which is seen as a little too exacting is always met with a . It’s hard, as you then have to either compromise and appear more relaxed than you actually are about certain things or just deal with the faces and accept that’s just what people are going to think.

Fwiw, we had dcs at our wedding, but it was a lot easier, as we were quite young and hardly anyone we knew had young children. Also, we had to be fairly relaxed about our wedding as we didn’t really organise much of it ourselves; we lived overseas, so we had to just say “here’s some money. Feed us please”! The only bride and groomzilla element was that we insisted on having a band we liked from where we were living, so we paid for them to come with us to play at the reception. Other than that, we didn’t really organise anything ourselves. And you know what? It was totally fine and totally stress free for us. I’ve seen couples in major stresses about the finer details of their weddings and I just feel like saying, “it’s meant to be fun you know”? Not the vows admittedly, but the party bit is meant to be fun, not cause the couple to end up overstressed and burnt out over it.

Aaaaanyway, sorry for ramble there^^.

Basically, it wouldn’t bother me at all if I was your guest, as I’d either make use of the nanny service you’re providing or, if I wasn’t comfortable, either Dh or I would miss the ceremony or speeches and we’d be fine with that.

As it goes, we hardly ever attend weddings together anymore, (since dcs), as we haven’t been invited to any where both of us know the B&G well enough that we are really keen to go. We now just split and dh goes to his friends’ weddings while I watch dcs and vice versa. Much less stressful than bringing the dcs along. We have a wedding coming up, where we both have to be there, as do the dcs, (family wedding), and, as much as I’m looking forward to it, I know it’s going to be a military operation from start to finish, with both Dh and me running round after the toddler / feeding the baby.

My best friend wanted a child-free wedding. She made an exception for my daughter, who was one of her bridesmaids (and the goddaughter of my friend and her husband), but that was it.

When another school-friend turned up, having RSVP'd for himself only, with his wife and their 10 month old son in tow, and she clocked him as they walked down the aisle... I watched her face fall. During the ceremony, the mutual friend's son babbled, cried, screamed... and his doting parents did absolutely nothing. They didn't take him outside, they just sat there and allowed him to disrupt the one day which should have been about my best friend and her husband.

Not to mention the chaos when it came to the reception/wedding breakfast, when the bride and her mother were running around trying to negotiate a high-chair for the baby and food for his mother (who wasn't supposed to have been there, despite having been initially invited - the mutual friend RSVP'd for himself only!). Mutual friend's (now ex-) wife was clearly embarrassed, but he? Was cock-of-the-hoop.

Or simply a cock.

In my opinion, if the bride and groom stress child-free, irrespective of whether they make exceptions (if they hadn't have insisted that my daughter be their bridesmaid, I would have understood their desire for a child-free wedding, sent them my love and best wishes, and stayed home!) for young members of their wedding party, then that needs to be respected. It's their day/about them, after all.

My DH and I were amazed when we were sent some phone videos of our wedding ceremony to find that there were a could of really loud kids throughout!

Honestly we didn’t hear a thing. Without wanting to sound like a twat, I was just so wrapped up in the ceremony that I didn’t hear anything but the vicar and my DH.

I think what you’ve provided is lovely but I wouldn’t overthink it if people bring their kids in. You’d be amazed what you won’t notice.

*couple of

While you're taking the piss out of people not wanting to leave their kids with strangers, better make provision for other people who might make a noise during your special day, like people with coughs. Have you got wedding programmes? Hopefully nobody will distract from your wedding vows by turning a page at the wrong time. Or dropping something.

I really didn't consider some people would be horrified at leaving their kids with a qualified childcare practitioner for 20 mins in the same building

It does seem very strange - do people not use childcare, get babysitting or put children to nursery anymore?

Yeah, it's not really the same thing.

Oh forgot the actual question! Yes I would take mine out because I’d worry about what other people were thinking and be embarrassed!

I attended a wedding where the young nieces and nephews of the bride decided this was the time to run races up and down the aisles of the church - running, laughing, screaming while the parents did absolutely nothing but look at them indulgently. No-one could hear a thing, we all may as well have been in Piccadilly Circus and it completely ruined the event.

It's your wedding OP, you do as you want. Of course noisy children should be removed from the church but there are so many children being raised with zero discipline these days that you can't rely on the parents to do the right thing.

I’m so in the middle of this! I provided a similar room at the venue with nannies and travel cots at my wedding but it was totally up to the parents if they wanted to use it, not required. We had a outdoor wedding and there was plenty of background noise anyway.
We are at a wedding next weekend with our 18 month old. He is one of very few children being allowed, the bride and groom have basically invited him because otherwise logistics would mean that we couldn’t make it. I know they are a bit worried and at the slightest hint of chatting or other disruption in a quiet bit I will either stuff a quiet snack in his mouth or DH will whisk him out. He is happy to sit with a book for example but is likely to start telling that he’s found the teddy or whatever in the picture.

My daughter, incidentally, was 8 at the time and silent throughout the ceremony itself. She did let loose a little on the dancefloor at the reception, though... she and the groom's (adult, primary school teacher) sister had a lovely time dancing and giggling!

Mutual friend's baby screamed throughout, because he wouldn't allow his then-wife to take him back to their hotel until he was done partying. Best friend has never forgiven him.

My nephew and niece kicked off at one point in my wedding, the wailing echoed all round the church. I barely noticed - and tbh was just very pleased to see them. My brother couldn’t come and my lovely SIL got herself and the kids 200 miles away to an unfamiliar town on public transport for the weekend. She was so apologetic afterwards, but imho she deserved a medal for trying to wrangle a toddler while simultaneously breastfeeding a newborn and still looking fabulous.

To be fair though, as a regular churchgoer, I am used to filtering out child noises during services - it does take practice to not let it bother you.

Of the 80ish guests at our wedding, 15 were children, and 12 were under 3.

I naively thought that the parents would Sit near the exit and use it if any of the babies or children played up. They didn’t. A friend videoed us making our vows and you can’t hear anything for squalking, crying, shouting, screaming and general noise.

I was more upset at the parents being such fucking selfish idiots, but to be honest, it wasn’t the end of the world.

My comment was to Mookatron by the way. And no of course it's not compulsory to leave your kid with a stranger at my wedding. It's an option. And they're not going to be the child-snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Literally dying here at a pp's interpretation of child wedding noise being a whispered "how pretty".

YANBU. I've been to so many ceremonies that have been ruined by squawking and parents who just carry on standing there ruining it for everyone else.

Just enjoy your day, and focus on what you're there for !

I think some babies did kick off during our ceremony too actually, now that I think of it. I think it was fine as I just thought, “not my baby, not my problem”!

See, by the time you've taken them out it's too late - they've already made a noise and disturbed proceedings. Even a little chatter or small yell. It's not appropriate at a wedding at all. I don't mind children at the reception, that's nice, but for me the service is an important, serious occasion when the bride and groom want to be fully in the moment and not pretending they can't hear little one screaming at the back of the church.

Why can't some people accept that no children means NO CHILDREN? It's your wedding, you don't have to explain it to anyone. If they don't like it they're not obligated to attend.

Mookatron, that's very unfair. I have a pretty low tolerance for people who turn into rabid dictators when planning their wedding, and as much as it's their 'special day', some people seem to lose sight of the importance of being a good host and making sure that guests are comfortable. The OP is guilty of none of this as far as I can see. Children don't have to be accommodated at absolutely every event. So many parents are deaf to the noise of their own children and like OP, I would not want to take the risk of having the ceremony interrupted by someone's little darling. It's unfair to suggest that she's being a brat by wanting to have peace and quiet for her own wedding ceremony

Mine did this at my SiL's wedding. I made to take him out v promptly, but not before the person officiating effectively stopped the wedding to order him (and me) out. I was mortified.

YANBU.

I think you’re being quite generous letting children even come to be quite honest; the parents should count themselves lucky their kids are even invited.

We had a child-free wedding for this exact reason (although we were quite lucky that none of our friends had children and there weren’t many children in the family anyway, so it was only about three excluded).

I would and I have. Missed the whole ceremony

*It does seem very strange - do people not use childcare, get babysitting or put children to nursery anymore?"

At age two? Yes to nursery - but we spent two weeks settling him in, as the nursery requested - coming and staying, dropping him off and coming back quite soon, until he had a relationship with his key worker. Babysitting? At age two, not with an unknown person, just with family members.

YANBU. My dd was a baby when my db and bil got married (not to each other! ). As soon as she made a squeak at my db's wedding ceremony, dh whisked her out. Why would I want to disrupt someone's big day?! I used her as an excuse to dodge a lot of bil's wedding as I really don't like him or sil! However my sons were pageboys and as they were walking behind the bride, two boys from sil's side started walking beside them! Their parents didn't stop them and it ruined the moment a bit for my boys. I'd kill my dcs if they weren't on their best behaviour in a wedding.