Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

[HarrietKettle]

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

But to answer your question, DH or I would definitely remove them immediately if they were causing a disturbance.

I'd take mine out. Have never been to a child free wedding but they're not uncommon. I wouldn't leave mine with a stranger, I would sooner miss the ceremony and would do so happily.

Yes. If we feel child can't be trusted to be quite we leave the church before the ceremony and do circuits of the church yard.

We had a lot of under 5's at our wedding. I was worried about noise, and felt that any noise would be a distraction. So we did the following :

• the invitations (bumf that went along with them), asked parents to take children out if there was noise
• the vicar asked them to take children out if there was any noise before I came in

-each child had a pack to keep them entertained, with a colouring and puzzle book we made for our wedding.

• a room dedicated at the reception venue with toys and big cushions for them to conk out at

-a colouring competition from the colouring books, with a prize, announced after the speeches.

Basically, carrot and stick approach. Let the parents know that quiet is important to you, but help the kids be quiet. Our don't have them in, which is what you want. Be prepared for some parents to be upset about that though.

As it happened, I think one kid made noise at one stage, but I didn't really notice, or whether it continued. For all my worry, aliens could have been staging am attack on earth and all I would have been aware of is my husband and the vicar.

Yanbu. Your wedding, your rules and your guests (family included) should accept that. However, equally if people aren't comfortable with leaving kids with nanny etc (my children at that age would not have stayed with someone they had never met without hysterics and I wouldn't have been happy either) and they choose to miss the ceremony to stay with the children that is equally their choice. sure you will have a fab day whatever you decide

I spent more time outside than seeing people exchange vows when mine were small, including their aunties wedding where I managed a whole five minutes before leaving to deal with a rapidly increasing noise level . What kid will remember wedding vows at two? They will have a great time in the other room and will appreciate the party more. YANBU. I would have loved to have had this provision over the years rather than standing outside trying to entertain a toddler in the rain.

I would absolutely take rhem outside. I wouldn't be happy leaving then with a stranger and my 2 year old would be ipset to be left so i would stay outside with him.

Child free weddings are fine as long as the bride/groom are happy that some parents may miss the wedding if they can't /won't get childcare.

It's your wedding and your decision. We got a bit of flak for saying no children at ours but we weathered the storm.

100% agree YANBU. Its your wedding ffs. Just about every one ive been to has been ruined by free range children making a racket.

Paying for suitable care is perfectly reasonable. My sister ia getting married when dc1 will be 9 months old, she is going for the same option as you and im fine with it.

My DDs would have been ok with this at that age, despite one of them being very clingy. (She wouldn't have been before she turned 2 but that's another story.) That's probably because we went to different churches when away and we left them in the crèche, so they were used to that.

I would have wanted to know who the nanny was. If she was someone the bride knew and trusted I would be ok with that. Or if she was DBS checked.

It wouldn't be for all that long anyway.

I didn't consider that some people might actually be more offended at the notion of leaving their child with someone they didn't know than just saying no children at all....I thought it was a nice option but it's also been good to consider that not all children would be comfortable with that anyway.

Upshot is, we've said child-free and the SHIT has hit the fan, so we're public enemies no 1 today.

Sorry people have reacted badly @harrietkettle. Fuck them. You only get one chance at your wedding ceremony.

YANBU. I'd leave but many wouldn't and it's really rude.

If kids completely banned I'd choose to miss ceremony or tag-team (sitting near door!) rather than leave child with a stranger, but the nanny room gesture would be appreciated.

Sorry it's all kicked off for you Harriet i suspect the kicking off was always on the cards child free or nanny room. Hope you get through it in one piece

Is it the sort of situation that you could diffuse with a bit of silly humour and say "well DN will be older for my next wedding, he can come to that"? Tongue very firmly in cheek, of course.

I told DH to tell his friends that if they were upset about the idea of missing out on a party because we had a tiny wedding.

I am assuming that your brother is upset. Out of interest how many children did he have at his wedding?

That’s ok OP, the shit can hit the fan all it wants, once they regain control of their emotions it might occur to them that someone else’s wedding is not, in fact, a children’s entertainment event or any of their business. People act like proper entitled wankers when it comes to their relatives weddings, it’s pathetic. Even low key weddings cost a fortune, you can and should invite whomever you want and have the day the way you and your groom (who are legally becoming a family) want. The tantrummers can have their on weddings the way they want.

YANBU. Your wedding, your rules.

Personally I think you sound either highly strung or super distractable though if you think baby/toddler babble will melt your mind. We had an open invite for babies/kids of all ages. I thought that if one had a massive screaming tanty a parent would remove them until they had settled. Was happy with normal baby noises, toddler babble, happy squealing and shouting out in excitement (obviously if due to boredom I assumed a parent would go for a walk with them). I’m sure all of that occurred during the ceremony, reception, speeches etc but neither of us requires intense silence to concentrate on the task at hand so was all good.

I do remember that at some point very soon after our vows and while signing the book, documents etc my DH went over to a friends toddler who was pushing herself up on her hands trying to stand but not managing it. It was after he had signed while we were waiting for the wedding party to finish signing. He helped her upright and walked a little with her holding her hands. The whole place oohh’d and arrhh’d. I didn’t crack it. It was sweet.

Different strokes, different strokes though and if you need absolute silence during your ceremony, reception, speeches and all eyes on you then that’s what you need. It’s your wedding and you will not get the day again so it needs to be what you need.

Yes I would, it's their special day and I wod not want to ruin it for them, and for my child's loud noises to be on video I stead of the vowes in years to come.

DS1 was 18 months when hubby was groomsman in s wedding... i sat at the back and sprinted out with him as soon as the bride walked in as he started screaming to be out! Missed the whole ceremony and spent the majority of the day running after him in 6 inch heels... i was also 3 months pregnant so couldn't even have a glass of wine! DH had also forgot the change bag.. cue ds borrowing nappies and being squeezed into spare clothes 2 sizes too small when he poured a drink over himself! Stress!

Anyway any future weddings we've decided we are just going to leavr thr kids with family/friends and enjoy it together!

Id leave my 2 year old with a nanny and others jn the room next door, i think its a great compromise OP! Congratulations and enjoy your day!

Hopping I don't require intense silence but I don't wish for the ceremony to be puntuated by baby squeals, either. It's not one or the other.

Also, I don't think my guests would descend into raptures if my DH or I merely interacted with a child but maybe yours are more easily moved

To be fair to my brother, although he didn't then have his own, he did have young kids at his. But my cousin did clap and chat throughout the ceremony which some found seeet but most found annoying. He also got married in the middle of bloody nowhere so they had loads of space to be outside, which is where they all spent most of their time.

The child free wedding dilemma must be the most posted about topic on here, I haven't RTFT but it's entirely up to the B and G who they do or don't invite.

It really doesn't matter what anyone else did, make you own decision

One of the candles exploded during my wedding. It was at the back of the (very small) church. I had no idea until months later. .

I think you've done the right thing for you - now you just need to weather the storm whilst people sort out their childcare. It will all be fine

Always would. Always have. DH and I would always make sure one of us was at the end of a pew/row of seats, to make a quick exit, should we need to. In fact, we still do that, as our youngest two are 4 and 7, so can still be prone to a tantrum/getting bored every now and then, so we don't take any chances.

I see that you've now decided to go for a child free day, and I really don't blame you, because every couple deserves to be able to enjoy their day.

I'll be completely honest with you, as a mum of six, I do a little dance of joy when I get a 'no children' wedding invitation!!!

That wasn't a very kind thing to say to @HoppingPavlova , OP. Moments like that are sweet. We allowed children to come to our wedding, as it would have been hard for families travelling long distance if we hadn't. Some found childcare for the reception, one couple arranged childcare for their toddler and just brought their baby.

A friend had come with his then wife (they're divorced now) and their tiny newborn baby boy. They gave him to me to cuddle and took a photo. Totally unplanned but a lot of fun. It's the sort of thing that contributes to making the day memorable.

There's no need to mock.